A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well. Where do I start? Six years ago I met my husband and he inspired me to stop doing the party girl thing. Overtime i realized I had been shallow and never given men like him a chance before. (He is not physically what I was use to dating) I decided, sexual attraction will come, just love him and everything will work. Fast forward two years and he uncovers iam still sexting an ex from hs, and i found out he is offender. We made it past it, but the trust I think was gone. He then changed, he became more controlling, especially after the birth of our child. I have put my life on hold for him. I was supose tonreturn to school and each time i save enough he finds something else the money has to go to. It was fine until he lost his job last year. Now i feel the distance between us growing. I can not feel us growing together like we use to. I'm ready to finish school and build a life for us but I cant tell if he is scared of me having freedom or doesn't want to lose financial dominance in the relationship.The more he pushes me, the more I want to go back to partying, and I want to talk to my Male friends, and move forward in life. I thought I could make myself love him but the more this goes on the more I want to leave him. So my question is, did I make a mistake here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): Everyone is focusing here on the fact that you cheated and that you never really were attracted to him.
I don't care about that right now. If he's controlling you then leave. You're hanging on because you hope it's going to go back to something you had before but it isn't. How much of your life are you going to waste wishing your marraige was something that it isn't.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 July 2019):
 Op, it seems you wrote your response before I wrote mine, but it did not appear until afterwards.
You question why someone mentions cheating. That comment refers to your sexting your ex. Do you not think of that as cheating? Would you be comfortable with it if your husband was doing the same to you?
I think the title of your post threw people off track. It seemed that was the question you were asking. (I appreciate that you may not have actually written the title, that admin do it sometimes and may have misunderstood the crux of your post.)
No idea what the "offender" bit is about. (I assumed you meant "offended" in your first post, i.e. when he found out you were cheating). Assuming you mean he has been to prison and not that he is a sexual offender or anything like that? In that case you need to explain to your daughter that daddy made some mistakes in the past, went to prison to pay for them, learned his lesson and will not be making those mistakes again. It is obviously better YOU tell her than it comes as a shock from someone else who will put their own slant on it.
So, if I understand your response correctly, you actually want to stay with your husband but are struggling because he will not get a job or allow you to finish school so you can get a better job? Does your husband want to stay married? You need to sit him down and spell out why you are not happy and make a plan you can both agree on and both stick to. Compromise of some sort may be required (as in most relationships). I do wonder if your husband is finding it difficult to get another job because he is an offender? Do you have any organizations in your country which assist offenders to find work? I ask because we have such help in the UK.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 July 2019):
 "Do not know where "pity" and "cheater" are coming from but sexual attraction is not love."
To quote "iam still sexting an ex from hs" You weren't faithful to this man for a single day. No one does that to a person they Love. They do do it to a person they despise and use.
Of course you married him without sexual attraction, you were getting all your sex on the side. You only needed him as a ? ? ? provider? Too bad that didn't work out.
The reason I'm advising you against your resistance is that if you can't understand and own what you have done here you will just do it again. You think you were not cheating because it was not physical sex. The fact is you gave your heart and your love to someone else.
I'm not advising your soon to be ex husband. Certainly I would advise him to get a job. But I would never advise him to trust you after what he discovered.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 July 2019):
There are two distinctly different parts to your post: the part about your husband and the part about what you want to do with your life.
To answer your question, no, I don't believe you can MAKE yourself love someone. You can GROW to love someone through shared experiences and realizing what a wonderful person they are, but you cannot MAKE yourself love them. Why did you marry someone you did not love and, more importantly, go on to have a child with them? If you do not love your husband, then you need to end the marriage and let him find someone who will love him in the way he deserves.
Regarding this: "The more he pushes me, the more I want to go back to partying, and I want to talk to my Male friends, and move forward in life" - you need to grow up. You are a MOTHER. Regardless of whether you stay married or not, your first responsibility is to your child. You've already done all the partying scene BEFORE you became a wife and a mother. While I can totally understand your desire to finish school, what has moving forward in life got to do with talking to your male friends? You sound to just be hankering back to a time when you were younger and free and without responsibilities or ties. That ship has sailed. Partying and talking to other men will not bring it back.
In your shoes I would be sitting my husband down and telling him the relationship is just not working for you. Then find a way of finishing school and work out how you are going to co-parent your child, as their well-being is the most important factor in all this. And next time don't settle for someone you don't love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo not know where "pity" and "cheater" are coming from but sexual attraction is not love.
That was the only part in the beginning i had an issue with. My problem now is the refusal to get a job and the refusal for me to get a better job. I want to pay off our house, and grow old together. But I can not do that when he acts like he doesnt want it!?! Not to mention in about 3 years our daughter is gonna find out he is an offender and i dont know how to explain it to her.
Thanks for your words of encouragement i guess
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 July 2019):
 No I don't think you can make yourself love someone. You can grow to respect someone, to care for someone, but bottom line is that you either love someone or you don't. You can't force feelings to come. They are either there or they are not. Pretending to love someone is a lie to both yourself and them. You can go through all the emotions but the love just won't be there and the longer that the charade goes on, the more you are likely to grow angry and resentful towards that person that you don't love.
I'm guessing that your husband senses that you don't love him the way that you should and perhaps that is why is keeps a tight rein on you and you feel like the noose is tightening. Things will only get worse not better.
It sounds cruel right now but the kindest thing you can do long term is to end your marriage. You aren't suddenly going to wake up and be madly in love with him. He deserves to be with someone who can love him.
Sticky mess but the two of you would be happier free.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 July 2019):
You really should not have married a person with only pity as a motivation.
This is the first time I have met a cheater who really never did love her spouse.
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