A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, so I'll try to make this as simple as I can. I have a problem I'd like to talk about here and get advice, but also have a few questions. My questions basically has to do with friendships and people.How important is friendship? What do you do when you don't have any friends? What can I do when I've been hurt a lot and have trust issues with people?They may sound like stupid questions but basically I have been through a lot of bad experiences with a lot of people in my life. In high school I was bullied a lot and I had people who I thought were my friends stab me in the back and really end up hurting me. Even after I've tried to make things right with them and tried talking with them about it, we never ended up being friends again and I haven't heard from any of them since. I've lost a lot of my friends. I've been in 3 relationships before with men who I really cared about and trusted. I was cheated on and lied to a lot and hurt by all of them. I know not all men do this, but this has caused me to have a lot of trust issues. There's more to say but I don't want to make this too long, this is just the general idea of what has happened with me. Through out the last year or so I guess I've just given up on most people. I'm not nearly as social and outgoing as I used to be. I've lost a lot of people in my life. I feel like I give people my all and I just get hurt in the end. I've been lied to and hurt quite a bit. I know what I'm doing here can't be a good thing. I hope this doesn't come off as me being a drama queen because I am a young woman, but I try to avoid drama and I'm not like that, I just wish I could have some true friends but at the same time I don't know if it would be worth it again to try. That's where my question comes in on how important you think friendship is. Can people do just fine with out friends or should I try to make some friends again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Well, you don't have to have friends, I guess, but, life would sure be boring. what would you do if you got your heart broken in anyway? surely not sit alone. that can cause depression. "what do you do if you have no friends?" you become an outsider to the world, and you spend the rest of your life rotting away alone. or you manage to still be standing on your two feet, but life would still be empty, and you won't have anyone to lean on. sounds to me like you're gullible and people are taking advantage of you. Don't let them, you'll end up getting hurt even more.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 I asked this question to a therapist at age 16. She gave me a one size fit all answer, yes of course you need friends. Being young and trusting of adult figures that answer destroyed me and I broke down crying. If you have four people here telling you that it's okay to do fine without friends. It is. The pressure to fit in a mold and be the same as everyone else brings untold sadness to those who prefer a solitary experience. There is a beauty to just studying things from a distance and not be a part of it. My recluse way of living has nothing to do with cheating partners and backstabbing. I just have no interest in participating and mingling with people. If I thought I had a need to reach out to people it would be because of conditioning and a need to feel normal. I would appreciate physical intimacy but as far as sharing private information it's too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): I empathize with you SO much and I feel your pain because I feel the same exact way about friends. I used to have a circle of good female friends in high school and once college came around the corner they all completely changed and treated me like shit. I have literally lost 8 friends that I can count on my hands right now. I can list them by name. EIGHT good friends. How horrible is that ? I started to tell myself that, since I was hurt in the past, I could deal fine without people. Which is completely true, I'm fine as an introvert. But once I started to actually "practice" it I realized that I was lonely and wanted at least one friend to talk to, a friend that wasn't also a bf because guys often cannot give us the attention that female friends can, although it appears that way in the beginning of all relationships. I developed ONE friend at work. I can call her a good friend, I can trust her and she doesn't bully me at all or make me feel insecure. For four years after high school I looked down upon people and didn't trust anyone enough to let them into my life. But think about it, when (if) something happens with your boyfriend, who will you go to ? You can choose to not have friends, its totally your business and you are 100 percent normal. But do you not want friends because youre tired of trying and getting hurt over and over or do you not want friends because you've truly given up on people? If you're just protecting yourself it might take a while to trust again but, you know what, take the time you need to heal. My mother is the same way, never had a close friend, until she was about 50 and met her best female friend. You don't have to rush finding friends now. Focus on yourself and improving on your insecurities. Don't force yourself to have a friend just yet, learn to open up to people and trust them. From this question, I can tell you will do fine but actually truly want a friend. One last thing. Those high school friends ? Forget about them. They're shit. They're nit friends as you can tell since they left you feeling like that. Let them go. I hope this helped a little. I'm 22 and STILL finding it hard to trust people as friends. It takes time.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 You can do fine without friends. But that is only if you are the type of person who does not like the company of others, and are at your happiest when alone. Such people do exist, I used to be like that myself. I honestly did not enjoy the company of others, found other people bothersome, and had a much better time being on my own.
But that was different. It seems to me, you want friends. You reach out over and over, and you get hurt and walked all over, or your feelings get hurt, or you get too involved and thus get hurt/feel back stabbed. It's not that you do not want people in your life. If you didn't, I'd say it is fine. Why push for friendships if you don't actually want it, and do well on your own. But in your case, you don't do well on your own. You sound miserable in this condition of being friendless. You sound like you are not happy at all. You sound like you want to get help in learning to be okay with it, because you aren't okay with it.
So no, I do not believe you will be fine without friends. I think you are the type of person who needs friends. The trick is to NOT dive in with your all and everything. Friends, like boyfriends, are NOT supposed to be your all and everything. If you give too much, then have a close look at why you do this. Why give more than you can afford to throw away? That's not right, and no one else will do this. It's not the way to get friends, or keep friends. Friendships need to be mutual, and balanced. That means, if you give your all and everything, NO ONE will be able to balance it out. Because no one else will give you their all and everything, it's not healthy. It is a co-dependent type of behaviour that isn't healthy.
You need to learn to value friendships that are less intense. Friendships that are nice and balanced, comfortable, and not extreme. Such as, a friend that you can go to the movies with, rather than a friend that you will have sleep-overs with every night. See the difference?
Learn to make friends without the extreme involvement, and without demanding this extreme involvement in return. Value these friendships too, because you need friends of all sorts. Not just "best friends" who you can have in your life forever and ever and do absolutely everything with as if you were Siamese twins. That is not the goal of friendship.
Have friends that you hang out with and care for without the deep emotional attachment. I think that is what you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Certainly, people can go through life without friends. I have no friends and I have no interest in having friends. I don't really see the point, I get that other people like having friends, but it doesnt do anything for me. I'm much happier when I'm alone.
But it doesn't sound like that's how you feel. You want friends. You want a boyfriend. You're just scared off by bad experiences. If that's the case, you're probably not going to be very happy going through life without friends.
All you can do is keep trying to make friends, and keep trying to meet guys, and eventually you will find friends that don't stab you in the back and guys that don't hurt you.
Learn from those who hurt you, but don't let them ruin your life. Knowing how people like that act will help you make friends that don't act like that and won't hurt you. Maybe hold back on giving people your all until you know you can trust them.
The good news is, as you get older, there's generally a lot less drama. College isn't like high school, and work/post graduate college isn't like college or high school. You'll probably find it easier to make friends as long as you keep putting yourself out there.
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reader, Questing for Love +, writes (9 February 2014):
 Personally I think friends can be beneficial to your life, but it is possible to live without them. However, this will lead to a very boring and lonely lifestyle.My advice is start at finding one friend. I'm someone that prefers to have a very small group of friends. I'm not comfortable knowing a huge group mainly because it seems like then you'd have no privacy or personal time because different people like to do things at different times. It is hard to find decent friends, I had one that I was really close with, but she had very mean tendencies that eventually I couldn't put up with anymore and we disconnected after high school. I barely talk to my high school friends and the one that actually came to my college with me seems to be drifting away from me. I feel like we're becoming strangers again.BUT I do have one best friend and that is my college roommate. Being in living quarters together forced us to communicate and become acquainted. Immediately we connected, and now it's hard to separate us. We know each other so well and we have basically the same personalities. And even though I only have one person to truly call my friend, I couldn't be happier, because that's all you really need. As long as there's someone there to have your back when you're sad, hurt, or lost, you can't go wrong, but you need to be willing to do the same for them. I do think it's important to have at least one friend, because I find that when I'm alone I tend to think too much and I bring myself down into sad moods and breakdowns. However when my roommate is around, we distract each other enough that my mind never wanders to those negative thoughts. I maintain my happy spirits.You can overcome the pain of those that hurt you. The previous high school friend that I mentioned had been my best friend. We were close and practically sisters for nearly 9 years of my childhood. However, in the end, things turned nasty. Yet as soon as I moved into college, my new best friend was right there waiting to patch up the past pain.Find that one person you can rely on. Don't focus on gathering a group of friends. You didn't mention whether or not you are in college. That's usually where you meet the people who are most like you. I've met some great people, but you have to be put in a situation with people in your same boat in order to find a connection. High school is a time where nearly everyone is immature. There's a better chance of you finding a friend in college and not being hurt again.Hope I've kind of helped. Sorry if I got a bit too repetitive. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): In theory, humans are social beings by nature. On the other hand it is possible to exist entirely detached from people. I am such the individual but only because I lack the capacity to connect with people. Can you imagine that? For a fellow to exist without a conscious? But I digress. I sense that you are the type that needs of social warmth to habit properly. While it is true that up until now you've been met with nothing more than dismay and distrust, you must understand that it need not be that way forever. If you find yourself crossed by someone then by all means leave them. There are far too many people on this Earth to try to patch up things with one. I find that it is best to find friends that share your same morals and/or ideals. That would be what I would call the true friend. The other friend ultimately would be generally one whom you pass the time with. That friend can he one who shares the same passions as you. Whatever you do don't cave in on yourself. It will do more harm than good. Take it slow.
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