A
female
age
41-50,
*oah
writes:I am wondering can two people who are so different stay together and get things working?Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years. We are from different upbringing (his parents happily married for 30 years, mine fought for 20 years and divorced for 20 years), different culture (he is swedish, I am chinese), different age group (he is 10 years younger than me), different interests in life (he is in to cars, gadgets, and computer/internet and I am in to making friends, reading, culture, etc), different way of living (he is spontaneous and I like to plan things ahead; he thinks life is about fun and I think we need to get things in order first before we have fun - for example he can leave the apartment unclean for 4 months and I would scream living in a messy place) etc. Yes, all these differences, and yet we are still together. Now we have a 6 months old lovely cute little boy that we both love to death but we are having more arguements than ever that I am worried this will bring negative impact on our boy.We are now thinking of getting a new, bigger place to live and we have been hunting for this 3 years already before and still sitting here today with nothing. The reason, we can never agree with each other.He likes to live a country side life with an old house, a garage. The cost would have to be minimum which means all the houses he liked are all those which are in bad condition and need huge renovation.I like something that are new and fresh, ready to move in, nice to live in, but of course at a cost that is reasonably appropriate to our income.The difference is fundamental. We argued so many times that I start to hate the situation and him. I feel so tired and irritated I want to pull out of the relationship. But now we have this sweet little boy I feel my heart is broken.Anyway, my question is can we really live happily together with all these differences? We have been, for 8 years, and 8 years of arguing......but now I am so tired and frustrated!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I have a feeling he is afraid of change and wants to keep things status quo. What happens when you make up your own mind and say, "I believe this is the best idea and I am going ahead with that decision." Don't ask for agreement or wait for his comments. I don't know how expensive it is to live in Sweden but waiting won't bring you the best deal. You are the proactive one in the relationship if he has a problem with it then he should be the one making the decision to leave, not you. He is happy with the small space now and the baby doesn't know anything better. You are the only one upset with this. What if you can accept that you are staying in this place until you can both agree on something. I think money is an issue besides differences. You should still work it out. What are your options of leaving? It will take you at least a year to move on and what are your possibilities of finding a richer guy with higher standards of living, and at the same time also as passionate as you? And how he is going to handle your child and an ex who will probably still loves you? Are your living situation going to be better if you break up?
A
female
reader, Noah +, writes (23 April 2012):
Noah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would otherwise consider buying a land to build from scratch but now we have this little boy to take care of and I absolutely don't want to sacrifice time with him for building a house. And no, he is not good at renovating at all. We changed the wallpaper in this apartment of 39 sqm and it took us several months just to find the right wall paper. Then another several weekends to get together all the tools. No, I can not imagine this happening with a house. I know if I do so, 5 to 6 years from now, we might still be living in a house with minimum standard besides lossing the time with our boy.I am so frustrated to the point that I want to get an apartment or small house myself. Our little boy is 6 months now and soon he will start crawling but with no where to crawl about because 39 sqm is all the space we have! I feel myself furious like a punching fist, but only falling on a heap of cotton - it simply is not working for us.The differences in personality come in more obviously now than ever - he is calm, slow, taking things easy. I am more target oriented and want action and plan and things get moving. We really can not get across each other.Sometime I think, if it was not our little boy, I would have left already. We do have fun sometimes but we never agree on big decisions, it seems like.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 It seems to me that you would live in the countryside if you could. Can he be solely responsible for the renovation?
Sometimes you just don't get along with someone, but it seems that is not your case. If someone asked me what chances I gave for the survival of a couple like yours, I would have said a year, or until sexual novelty wore off.
There has to be something of value in that relationship, since it has survived eight years, which is more than what many a marriage can last. Maybe that something is worth saving.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 April 2012):
Isn't it possible to buy acres of land in the countryside and then build a home from scratch? There are many modern architecture with shiny appliances in the middle of nowhere.
Don't forget you can learn from each other's differences too. Inspire and look at life from another's perspective. Isn't that our purpose of life, to meet variety and to grow and inspire? Differences can compensate each other's weakness, not always bringing out the worst in people. It's like different interpretation to the same piece of music. It's not that one person is right and the other person is wrong. Both interpretations can be correct and you can be two people who complement each other and enrich each other's lives.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 You both need to seek marriage counsilling to get to the root of the problem and have it discussed and resolved because arguing does not help you guys progress.
Unfortunately as people stop listening to each other, a marriage can fade.
Incompatibility cant stand the strong tides.
Every marriage has its ups and downs but its down to you both if you wish to save it and seek marriage therapy, and work it out clearly with each other.
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