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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I'm having a lot of doubts here. Me and my bf have been having problems. We've been together for almost two years, and we're mostly happy. But for ayear or so, there have been issues.It's about my past. I always had this "feeling" that he'd be upset when he found out. I even feared I'd lose him. And I figured, the past is in the past. He also asked me not to tell him in the beginning of the relationship. I was scared because it involved some guys he knows. Let me be clear: I was a virgin when I started dating him, but I had given oral sex to a friend years before. Aside from that, I only made out with 3 other guys. 2 of which were practically strangers. I never had a serious relationship before. There were also times when I had crushes on guys and I gave them a lot of attention, and a guy who crushed on me, it was hard because he was a friend and I didn't wanna lose him so for a while I didn't stop talking to him.But then one day he asked me if I ever had something with the guy i gave oral sex to (he was a mutual friend). I said no. Then he asked again and I said yes. Of course I broke his trust but he also became judgemental. So I had to start disclosing my past, it was hard because he'd get so upset and even broke up with me over it, so I lied a couple more times. He's just so judgemental about it. But he said he wants to change to be with me forever. He says he knows it shouldn't bother him, and that if he wants to be with me forever he'll have to deal with it.Now, as I said, most of the time, we have a blast! And he says we can work through it, but I don't know! Can we really overcome this? My self confidence is low... I just keep thinking that after I lied so much, he'll leave me when he finds someone that he can trust, someone who has had serious relationships (he says he can't trust me if I made out with strangers in the past). I can promise I won't cheat, but he's just unsure. I really want to work on this. I'm going to therapy (although, not really for this but for my low self esteem - ever since I can remember I've had low self esteem, so yeah, I need it more than ever). I guess therapy will also affect my relationships in a positive way. I hope I can lose the fear of losing people, especially him. To not be afraid to tell the truth (he's not the only one I've lied to, I also lie to my family and friends). I know I am to blame in most of this problem, burt can it really be worked out? I want to make the effort, and he says he's not kidding about being with me forever, but how can i be sure that there is a chance that we'll work it out? We truly have a blissful relationship most of the time, only when he gets jealous (not very often) is when there is trouble.
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broke up, confidence, crush, jealous, oral sex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 What you did prior to dating to him is your business...I don;t really see why he is getting himself so worked up...I imagine he has a sexual history as well? It's not like you cheated on him!!
It is a shame you felt you had to lie about things - but that sounds alarm bells to me...if you feel afraid to be truthful about stuff that isn't even that big a deal...then there is something not right with your relationship.
I think it's a good thing you are seeking counselling around your self esteem issues...I agree that this should help you look at the 'role' you are playing in various relationships...
I think your man's behaviour is exacerbating your insecurities about yourself...and it suits him to have you taking responsibility for all the 'problems'... but he plays a role in all this too!
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (5 June 2008):
 I think I'm losing my grasp of the English language.
"I was a virgin when I started dating him, but I had given oral sex to a friend years before. Aside from that, I only made out with 3 other guys."
Exactly what does "making out" with a guy mean? Kissing?
"But then one day he asked me if I ever had something with the guy i gave oral sex to"
Exactly what do you mean by "having something" with the guy you gave oral sex to? Having an emotional relationship?
Sorry, these questions are probably quite extraneous, but I keep having trouble figuring out what the problem is.
Quite frankly, if you were a virgin for him, I don't see why he should be so upset. The things you describe are so tiny compared with what some people have in their pasts.
His holding you hostage over the trust issue is bullying and immature. In fact, refusing to trust someone is a rather mean-minded technique that is often used to gain power over people. Your lying wasn't good, but it should be clear to him that you only lied because you wanted your relationship with him to be ok, not because you wanted to sneak out and have a bit on the side. To wilfully withhold trust is not a friendly thing to do. If he really loves you, he should try to reestablish the trust between you and not keep holding this thing over your head. I know you're in a tough situation because you were in the wrong, but that doesn't mean you have no more rights in the relationship!
He's got to stop being so immature and start trusting (that word again) in the rightness of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 You need to constantly reassure him that you will be telling
nothing but the truth from now onwards.
Tell only the truth and no more lies to him.
Leave the past alone as there is nothing you can do about it.
Live in the present and enjoy him and appreciate him.
Life is not without risk.
We can only minimize those risks.
If things happen, they will happen.
There is no use worrying about the future.
Throw away those baggage and you will feel lighter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Don't feel judged about it. Don't let him tell you that it makes you dirty or bad. The worst it makes you is maybe unsuited to a guy like him.
But also understand that he's not exactly having a barrel of laughs by feeling so hurt about your past either. Guys don't sit around deciding to feel hurt about their GF's past for the fun of it. These are painful emotional hurts that he didn't choose to feel and he can't turn off.
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A
male
reader, keith5  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 seriously.. be yourself, be true to yourself and others because the truth will set you free
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Hi there!
First of all, I'm really sorry you're feeling so down about it, but don't be!!! We're all entitled to our pasts. Furthermore, you're really young. He should be greatful if anything that he was your first. Sure you gave another guy a bj, but that doesn't make you a whore.
About the trust thing, use it as an opportunity to grow together. Perhaps it wasn't the best move for you to fib a bit, but it happens. Sometimes, we do some things that we aren't proud of. But you and your man seem to be on a great path together, so keep it up! Just don't lie to him again, make it a point cause once someone looses their trust in you, its extremely difficult to turn it around.
Just to give you some perspective too, what you lied about was not a big deal at all. Its not like you cheated on him or anything like that. If you did that while you were with your man, that's not cool. But it happened before his time so frankly, its really none of his business. The way it would be his business is if you caught an STD which I hope you get tested for them regularly... Ya never know these days and its not worth the risk!!!
About your low self-esteem, I know exactly what you're talking about. It took me years of therapy myself to get over it. You have to learn to love yourself. Do things that you love to do, embrace your talents and your strengths and don't get too caught up on the things you could improve on. We're all good at something, you just have to figure out what makes you feel good and surround yourself with those things. I grew up in a really screwed up situation and it really affected me for the longest time. But you can overcome it. I have relapses time to time, but it'll get better, you just have to work on it. One trick that helped me that might help you is if you write down all the accomplishments you've done and just look at it. You'll be surprised all the things that you've done that you've forgotten about that you should be proud of. Another thing, is have pictures around you of good times and people that care about you or surround yourself with things that remind you of times when you had a blast and you felt powerful and great. Having stuff like that around will help you feel like you did on those days when you didn't feel so low about yourself.
Just don't be down on yourself about things, hang in there and let this be a growth opportunity for your relationship. If for some reason this does become a bigger issue than it should be, remember there are toooooonnnnnnnssss of other people out there. Yeah, you guys have a bond, but you can have that or better elsewhere. So don't worry, if you guys really love each other, you'll pull through.
Hope I helped and have a good night! ; )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Hey the past is the past. If he has issues with the stuff you did and the trust issues is understandable and since he has shown some good qualities and that he likes you "forrever" apparently you should give him a chance, but you should stop feeling guilty about what you did because you did it out of curiosity and ignorance. I did things like that too because I couldn't get a boyfriend either. Eventually I did and didn't tell him about the things I did. Don't be so sincere with guys. It's not worth it. You shoould always keep secrets to yourself. If he bothers you so much tell him maybe you should find yourself an older and more mature men who is not judging you because 'Im sure your little darling has a past himself. Is he virgin? He isn't True? So what is he talking about? You need someone who accepts you and your decisions. You thought it was OK to do what you did in the past and you worked with the knowledge you had in the past not the one you have now so it's childish to punish yourself eternally for that. Stop thinking people are better than you. You get that from your low self esteemed parent who taught you to feel wveryone else is better than you. That's bull. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but because they look very sure of themselves doesn't mean they are right. It doesn't matter how much money, power or beauty someone has he/she ain't better than you. God gave them something but they surely lack something you have. Even the most respectable persons in the planet have done shameful things in their lives, their anus itch, their underarm stink if they don't apply antiperspirant, they have had intestinal parasites, had people laughed at them, hurt them, and been rejected. But hey had kept going on. Don't think you are any less than anybody and stop looking to please people. If they like you OK if they don't is OK too. Is not the end of the world. Don't make this boyf of yours your life. If he doesn't accept you there will be someone who would. You are just starting to live.Blessings
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
 I think that since this is your past, you own it and no one should judge you.
The main issue is that you need to work on your self confidence. Whether or not you two can work it out depends on a number of things. He needs to accept that you have a past and should not make you feel bad about it, in the least bit!
He might have self-confidence issues as well. He should not feel threatened by what has come before him and if he cant handle it then thats just too bad.
You lost your virginity to him. Its clear he feel he has to bring up other things you have done other than sex. Does he have a past? Is he suggesting he has never had another girlfriend?
There are MANY posts on this same question you are having, many who were not virgins with a past. Know that you are not the only one who has gone through this debate!
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Hi, The two of you have been together for two years, that is a long time to be in a relationship, by some standards. So the two of you must care about each other, and are trying to hang in there, because you evidently like each other and possibly love each other. I am a believer in liking the person you are involved with, it seems to last longer, if you like being with someone, the love will grow, with time, if it is a healthy relationship. Something you said in your letter took my attention, "lose the fear of losing people". This is a most interesting point, if you can do this, by building your self esteem, and you seem to be working on that, then this will be great for any relationship you are in, be it this one or another. You must feel that you are worth loving, and if someone does not want to be with you, then they are the loser, not you.Reinforce this feeling in your mind and continue to tell yourself this. About the fact that your boyfriend gets angry, after he asks you about your past history. Me, myself, I don't think it's anyone's business, what I have done in my past, if they ask, I will not tell, because it only stirs up trouble, that you have to explain, which leads to more questions. It can be a no win situation. Also, I would not lie, stop now, tell the truth, chose not to answer, but don't lie. You have to remember, what lie you told, to keep up with what you said, so start with the truth and stick to it. Everybody has skeletons in the closet, if you have lived long enought, it's like the woman at the well in the Bible, let he among you, who has not sinned, cast the first stone, I think the quote goes. Do you really think that your boyfriend does not have a past, no one should be so judgmental. Also, it has been said that no one can make you feel inferior, unless you, you, give them permission. Remember that, and repeat it to yourself. We are all human. Love yourself, and lift yourself up.Practice mediation, and build a core of strength inside you, that you can call upon, in time of stress, and let no one, make you feel less, than what or who, you are. I want to emphasize what you said, lose the fear of losing people, try to get to that point, but always try to remember, that people have to want to be with you, and if they don't, then they are the loser, not you, reinforce this in your mind,as I said before. I hope this helps you. Good luck always to you. Love yourself.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Oooo, if your self confidence is low because of your past, then mine should be REAL bad! We all have skeletons in our closets, even your boyfriend. Dont think for 1 second that he is perfect, there is no such thing. My past is absolutely rediculous, but I have great self esteem and confidence. I dont see my past as 'making terrible mistakes", I see it as a growing, learneing experience. We need to sometimes make mistakes so that we learn from them. If you ask me, his jealousy is slightly controlling. Although you say you have lied to him, he is now using it against you. I bet you kind of kiss ass when when he brings up how upset he is about it, huh? And he likes that! He likes having that thumb on you. The past IS the past, and as long as you learned from your experiences, it shouldnt be a big deal. (This theory doest apply to cheaters, beacause they are making these decisions that are, in the moment, hurting their partners) To answer your question, YES, this can be overcome, try not to let his jealousy get to you so much. He enjoys you trying to make it up to him and will continue trying to get that from you by bringing it up.
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