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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My friends and I are a pretty close group of 4 people- we have all known each other since grade school/junior high, and we're all now in our mid 20's. Three of us are concerned about our one friend "Jane." Jane is trying to fit in with some people at work, but it has totally taken over her life. Jane used to be kind of quirky, but she was always upbeat and unique- which is what we all loved about her. Well, she has admitted (to me) that she doesn't feel comfortable being her unique self around her co-workers, so she has changed over the past few months. She isn't outgoing now, she has lost a lot of weight, she seems down on herself and says she isn't good at things or thinks everyone is better than her, etc. While she may be going through hard times, she also isn't being very nice to us. She has put us down through insults or rude comments when we all get together. (No one puts her down, she'll just randomly make rude remarks out of nowhere.) We've all tried to talk to her, but she just gets defensive. But if we back away or don't speak to her for a while, she thinks we hate her or are mad at her. (She'll wonder what our "problem" is or why we are acting that way. I told her that her comments hurt, but again, she gets defensive and blames everyone else except herself!)The three of us are completely puzzled and know that she isn't acting like herself anymore- more like a shell of herself, but we don't know what to do. We have all known one another for 10+ years, so breaking off the friendship would be hard, but it seems like we're hanging onto something that isn't there anymore. What should I do?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 November 2009):
I think you need as her how work is. Direct comments aren't going to work with her, but I wonder if she's being bullied by co workers and that's why she's acting this way. Ask her about her day and see what she says. It would be a shame to cut her out after all this time. Try to find out more about her work. If she is being bullied, or it seems like she is, then you'll be able to talk to her about it more easily. If she doens't change, however, then it might be better for you three to move on from her until she learns you won't be treated badly. Sometimes a little isolation can bring on a new perspective.
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