A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I stopped a mild emotional affair attempt cold in it's tracks and I'm VERY frustrated and confused. I was e-mailing a friend of my husbands with work-related things. (My husband knew all about it.) Looking back through the e-mails everything was so casual, innocent and SLOW. Any later single bits of flirting were SO mild it was hard to know whether I was taking the guy's typed words the wrong way so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to make a scene by accusing my husband's friend of 'flirting' with me when it wasn't overtly obvious that's what he was doing.When I discovered the man's wife did not know we occasionally chatted by e-mail, I requested he tell her immediately. He asked that WE not e-mail any more because he didn't want to tell her. (I told my husband all of this and about my mental red flag. I didn't like that he would keep it from his wife.) His guilt must have grown over the two months we didn't e-mail because he finally broke down and told her. In the worst way. He relieved hs guilt by tellng her we had e-mailed and I had hit on HIM. He immediately called my husband and told him the same story - a total pre-emptive strike ensuring I could not accuse him of what had really occured. I was shocked.I was and still am mad at myself for allowing a situation that even APPEARED to look bad. (It wasn't a real, full-blown emotional affair. Just a step in that direction.) I have apologized to the wife for not thinking about how e-mailing her husband at work would appear and for not thinking ahead to avoid this trouble. That I am guilty of. I should have told her about our e-mails but the hubby asked me not to, saying she would be mad at me for backstabbing her. (???) I never mentioned it because I thought it was his responsibility to tell her. I had told my husband about everything but the suspected flirting because I couldn't prove it at the time. After the phone call accusing me, my husband was frustrated and annoyed. He refused to talk to me about it, other than to say a few things here and there when I would bring it up over and over so we could communicate. I did some research online and found VERY LITTLE about what a man is feeling and what he wants after this sort of thing. I did find that they need physical reassurance of their wife's love and have been delivering on that big-time. I have wondered if this makes me look more 'guilty' of something but I've decided my husband's feelings are more important than my own.HELP! What do I do to show him I was not seeking inappropriate attention outside our marriage? More so, this incident made me look at ANYTHING I might be lacking and I identified a couple items - including one thing I'd like my husband to improve. When I told him that, he exploded and told me not to blame him for my actions. I wasn't at all - my actions made me reflect on my wants and needs and it was those I was trying to communicate.Please help! What on earth do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Today, right now, my husband receives email from a woman whom "I believe is expecting more from my husband..." Because of other reasons I have current trust issues with my own husband and I need not go into that just yet! But with my trust issues, I have found a way which I can see his email without him know it! This I do because of a whole other reason - but trust me on this... I do not feel good that I need to see his email... I would give anything if I had the trust I should have in my husband... but with this said... I'm seeing email from a woman he works with 2 months out of the year, seasonally... I'm seeing that he reads the email, and then he deletes it and most often 9times out of 10 he just deletes it! But this woman, a married woman, writes him with words which I feel are expecting something way more than just friendship. Says things like "why don't you ever reply to my many emails I've sent???!!!" "Are you mad at me???!!!" "Did I do something wrong???!!!" and it makes me sick to see these! To me, it seems she is trying to bait my husband for other reasons!!! and if this is the sort of stuff you were doing - please, wrong, wrong... and Wrong!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Yikes, you sound angry. I'm sorry, it sounds like someone hurt you in this way. It's an awful feeling.
I contacted the wife myself, she didn't contact me. I apologized for being careless. What I meant is that I am sorry for not thinking ahead to see the obvious outcome: if a guy is not telling his wife the most simple things, I need to steer clear. He's not someone I need to be in contact with, making his wife and my husband worry more.
I've been using mostly non-sexual affection like cuddling, hugging, kissing, etc.
Thank you so much for your insight on what he may be experiencing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Re-wind a bit, a little more slowly. You KNEW that the emails were inappropriate, just admit it (even if only to yourself). His IWFE has every right to be pissed off , at you and HER hb. But with all cheaters – emotional/mental/sexual, they shift the blame. Don’t look at this other mans actions . rather re evaluate yours. You are not a stupid woman. You are rationalising this too much in an attempt o alleviate your guilt!
I must hand it to you. You covered yourself , what with ‘telling’ your hb about the mild flirting(?) .also telling the hb that his wife was hiding your flirting from his wife. You see you covered up, BUT not all. The wife saw through your feeble attempt to cover your tracks. Good on her and hey she had the balls to confront you.
“More so, this incident made me look at ANYTHING I might be lacking and I identified a couple items - including one thing I'd like my husband to improve.” Stop looking for faults with your hb. YOU did wrong. And yes you are trying to identify what is lacking in your life. In introspection you know exactly what went on and now you are trying to rectify it but be HONEST and admit your wrongdoing. Your hb actually gave you the benefit of the doubt but he needs to also clear his head. He needs to re affirm that you are solid as a couple and that you would not latch on to someone else again. You almost messed up your marriage woman, you need to acknowledge this. YOU tool liberties with this other man and you “betrayed” your hb. Therefore he is internalising all this – your actions, your cover ups, your attempt to rectify same, you wanted to improve yourself. What have you learnt about yourself. Are you this upstanding person you want to believe you are. You talk as though you are somewhat self righteous. Who are you trying to convince? Admit it, your hb is feeling betrayed, he TRUSTED YOU but you overstepped boundaries with his friend. How far were you willing to let this go? Would you have made good on any promises. Your hbs mind is playing havoc right now and you need to just let him be. Allow him time to internalise and re evaluate. It doesn’t matter what you want. YOU ALLOW him this time to even perhaps Mourn the state of his marriage. His trust in you is fragile right now and who can blame him. Have you done this before??
Instead of just indulging in sexual activity try being honest. Having just sex in an attempt to deviate from the real concern?? Your emotional fling??
You and this other guy crossed boundaries and yep, both are running scared. Will teach you a lesson to run after another woman’s hb. Thankfully his wife is not chicken, she confronted you and you were on the defensive, as you are here as well.
Re evaluate your actual intention. Your hb is actually EMBARRESSED AND HURT by your actions. You did backstab the wife. After all you all are mutual friends and you overstepped boundaries with her hb. She is rightly pissed. She should be pissed at him too. How do you meet up in the future. This friendship bet your hb and his friend is all but over. And your hb can thank his loyal faithful wife for this. Actions have consequences my dear and you have learnt the hard way about betrayal. And believe me, you BETRAYED your hb. You BOTH were testing the waters and YOU BOTH knew what you were doing. And YOU BOTH messed up. So instead of trying to sweep this under the carpet by indulging in sexual activities allow your hb the time to mourn the loss of trust. You have proven that sex does not make everything ok. You have to account for the actions. Basically you need to do the time!
“When I told him that, he exploded and told me not to blame him for my actions. I wasn't at all - my actions made me reflect on my wants and needs and it was those I was trying to communicate.” Take a step back. YOU now want to reflect your wants and needs and suddenly your hb is not meeting your standards. STOP being so cold, so clinical. You are dealing with a human being, not a machine. Your hb is at a vulnerable state. You are lucky he did not explode when he first got wind of your cheating. How are you addressing all of this to him. So factual , so clinical. It doesn’t happen in real life. Realise this, human emotional and betrayal is at play here. You are going to alienate him further by this forthright manner. You created this mess and yes you are trying to re evaluate yourself but lady, you are going about this the wrong way.
YOU need to win him over by LOVE and humility. You need to show him that you value him as your hb. You need to re invest in your marriage. You want to. Realise this, you were caught. Your name has been blackened – his wife and even mother to his kids. He is not looking at you as his mere wife, he is looking at you critically and he is over thinking EVERYTHING. You made him a fool and he was one, acknowledge this. It is going to take TIME for him to trust you again and who can blame him.
All you have is time and if he explodes again, allow him. Better to scream and shout and swear than for him to keep it all in. If this all festers then when he explodes i think you should be careful. You would not like the man you made your hb become. All is not lost . Time is a healer But stop acting super perfect. Love your hb, faults and all. And start re building your marriage. It is fragile right now.
I am curious. What fault did you find. What did you want your hb to improve on?
remeber the analysing of the emails now is after the fact. how did this flirting make you feel? what did you get out of it?
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Firstly, remind your husband (in a loving and supportive way – but firmly as well) that you came to him and told him about how you ended the communications because you felt they were inappropriate, if only because the other man’s wife didn’t know. You can remind him that you are his wife and have never given him reason to doubt you in all of the time you have been together, and that you expect him to trust and believe you. Again, you say this in a non-confrontational way – firm, but understanding of his hurt.
Then, let him read the emails. Let him see what you saw; why you were not sure if the man’s comments were crossing a line or not and more importantly, to see your own behaviour in those communications.
While his feelings are hurt and you may be doing all you can to reassure him, TIME must also be allowed. It is not enough just to physically reassure him. You must also be patient.
You can also let him know that you are committed to him and when and if he is ready to tell you how you can make “this” better, you will have an open ear. Then leave the discussion up to him. Do not push him to talk. He may have to think first…. Again, you must exercise patience.
You have done soul-searching. Wonderful. We should always be introspective enough to ensure we remain emotionally centred. However, when his ego is bent over (what he thinks may have been) an emotional affair with another man, it is NOT the time to let him know how he can improve as a husband.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 November 2009):
It will take time for your husband to trust you again, guilty or not. Yes, a man who is hurt does need physical reassurance, but he also needs emotional reassurance as well. You just need to keep telling him you love him and reassure him there was nothing else. He will come around, but you have to take time over it, and you will find yourself getting frequently frusrated by it.
Also, do look at your marriage. You will need to put a lot of effort into it.
It will take a lot of time and effort. But he will come around if you really show you love him. If he's not listening to you after a while, consider counselling.
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