A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive just started dating this guy a few months ago and everything was going great till we told each about sexual historylet's just say at 19 he's had ten times about sexual partners i have, (3) or so he claims, and he knows im Bi but when i told him i had a sexual relationship with one of my friends, he went mental at first he was telling me it was wierd that we're still so close and asked us in front of friends if anything was still going on! Now he's calmed down a bit, but i can't get my head around how many women he claims to of slept with. Apart from all this, we're really good together, same music and movies taste and we both want to make our relationship work, but im not sure i can get over his reaction and the amount of women he's had. Is there anything i can do to get it over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): No it wasn't relavant. It was not a necessary statement and one does not use a poster's thread to discuss your own personal agendas with site mods. It is not helping her issue...plain and simple. Again sorry poster, for stating it here on your thread. if this male anon wishes to discuss this further, he can message me, via the site.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Irish, I pointed out my little beef with the moderators in my other response below because IT IS relevant here. Selectively deleted responses = biased feedback for the question in total.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Firstly, while the below male anon has good advice for you, I apologise to you, hun, on his behalf for using your thread to voice his feelings with the momentous hard efforts and work of the site moderators, on this site. The forums are a good place to do this, in the public way. Or contact Andrew, the site guy. Don't use other people's threads and posting about thier life issues, to voice your displeasure. That was clearly as self-involved action on his part.
That said, on to you, dear. A relationship is about moving into the future, not pondering on one's past. So I often wonder why a couple insist on being so detail oriented. Once you open up that up for discussion, there's no telling what you're liable to learn or how that information will affect you. I think people that find a 'need' to examine why the details are needed and look deep into their own motives for even doing this. This is all about fears, hun. You have begun to overthink about this and it could sink your relationship. When people start to obsess about their partner's sexual history, more often than not, the obsession is not 'really' about their partners. It's usually about their own fears of not being attractive enough or sexually adequate. The only way you will deal with this, is to simply, ask yourself, is this worth it? Is this what you want you to blow up your wonderful, love relationship over? Learn to move ahead, to the future. It will take a great sense of willpower and strength, intermingled with maturity and clear thinking.
I have always believed there is a huge difference between finding out about a partner's sexual past and their history or risk of STDs, that definitely need to be discussed for health reasons. So if you are to get intimate, discussing health concerns is vital. But...these two points get very, very confused. You did not need to know the details of "how many" he's been with. Nor should he know what you did. Like the anon poster below me stated , the dye is cast..you may never work this out, unless you have willpower, strength and understanding. It' takes a very secure person to let this go..you just aren't there yet.
So now, if you continue in this relationship, be very, very careful here. You have to teach yourself that his history is none of your business. And you takes him as is or re-evaluate this relationship. If you and him get into this mindgame of trying to up each other on sexual history tales, then you need to say, "This is my past, and I'm not ashamed of it. If you can't deal with it-that's too bad. Please never bring it up again" And as you are having more of an issue with this, he should be saying the same thing to you.
And, because it sounds like you are having more trouble accepting this, I have to say. Some females get indimidated and insecure about their bf's past. While I can understand the root of this emotional response from you-many a secure, confident woman would never obssess over this. It sounds like that down deep, you may care more about his "purity" than who he truely is., as a person. This could mean you both have a serious incompatability. If you continue with this extreme view, then you will always have major trust issues. with him. The only way past this. Work this out in your mind, forget about it or make a promise to recommit to each other and state, "we both must begin anew." And no more talk about each other's sexual history. It's in the past...move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): The feelings will never go away. Never.
But whenever I suggest that sexual histories and extramarital sex in general might even HAVE these kinds of unsolvable problems, the moderators at this website usually delete my response.
It's funny how threatened they are by a few simple obvious logical observations. It's almost as if they want to skew the answers people recieve on here to fit their own ideaologies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): They were in the past and lets face it some blokes just have to exagerate! I bet it is a lot less, but why worry, we all have a past and there is nothing that anyone of us can do to change it. We have all done something that we later regret, but it is done. Forget about it all and enjoy now.
take care
xx
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 February 2008):
 When you first meet you create an image of each other in your minds. The image is constantly re-inforced by the everyday surface behaviour. When you share your sexual details, you are now revealing more about yourself, hidden aspects. Sometimes these details don't match expectations based on the image. The other person is surprised and gets angry, because it's not what they expected.
How you approach this depends on your own personality. Is honesty above or below promiscuity? Do white lies matter? etc
Good luck, Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I have about the same story as you, except I'm a guy. My wife wanted to be honest with me about her sexual history when we started dating. It bothered me a lot at first, but then the bad thoughts went almost completely away for many years. They resurfaced again last year and we spent a lot of time talking about it and I again feel better now. If it bothers you as much as you say, then I don't think that you will ever get completely over it, but you can learn to live with it. There were 2 great women on this board who talked to me at length a few months ago about my thoughts and helped greatly. If you want, read my original post and my 2 articles. They might help you in your thinking. PM me if you want to talk about this. Good luck. It can be difficult to accept, but the difficulty was well worth it for me.
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reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (9 February 2008):
 You are a perfect illustration of why you can't be totally honest about everything in a relationship. You are paying the consequences of playing the honesty game. Sexual history is one if those things you shouldnt discuss openly unless you are sure your partner wont take it hard. This includes how many partners you had and special circumstances like threesomes. Have you ever seen the movie "Chasing Amy" Its a great movie in illustrating how a person's sexual history can hurt a relationship. The irony of Amy's story is she tried to keep her sordid event out of her boyfriend's knowledge. When he found out about it through third parties...he begins to reject her.
Poeple are always saying you should always be honest. Tell the truth, don't hide anything! Not me.... Some things are better left unsaid and kept in the past. Some information is unnecessary and hurtful.
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reader, Namatjira +, writes (9 February 2008):
Sound advice from the above. What is in the past is just that, in the past. If he cannot see that then you have a fundamental problem. What he should not expect is that all ties should be cut with past very close friends. When possible it is best to remain friends with a past lover than to become bitter enemies.The important thing is to be true to each other during the time you are together and he should understand that his past could be equally distressing to you as yours might be to him, but you are willing to overlook it because it was before you became an item. If he cannot get that then I would suggest you get out before you get hurt but it does sound like he is calming down so keep on talking.Remember though that it is not healthy to talk about all the intimate details of a past relationship just as he would not want you to talk about you and him in 20 years if you were not still together.Good luck
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Don't look to the past because it is gone.
Live in the present and think of the future.
Whatever is bygone ,let it be bygone and buried .RIP!
When you climb a mountain, don't look down but look up only.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Its all in the past sweetheart, You fella got mad when he found that your girlfriend had been your lover, It was a shock and the fact that your still friends will have him wondering if you are going to jump in the sack at any opportunity. Im still great mates with an ex girlfriend my fella has no problem with this as he knows the friendship is just that and she has her own relationship now, when we first went out it was obvious she was a little angry although we had not been in a proper relationship so to speak. I told hert straight and that was it she understood. You b/fs past women its going to happen hunny my fella is extremely hot and im not bragging its bloody true and he has women hanging of him if we go out, he isnt interested as we are happy, He doesnt even see how beautiful he is bless him, But at the end of the day as long as you explain to your guy that your girlfriend is just that now and its him your interested in and try to put those other g/fs of his out of your head this may be a really good relationship, Everyone has a past hunny think of your future with brightness and be happy TAKE CARE OF YOU HUNNY WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I think it's important here that you realise that everybody comes with a past. The older you get, the older your partners will get, the more partners they will have had. It's really not a nice thing, to think that someone you've been so close to has been so close to someone else, but there's nothing you can do. But the important thing here is that he's with you now, not them. It's impossible to go back in time, turn back the clock, and make everything better. Think of it as he's learnt from his experiences, both sexual and every-day. If you really love him, you can look past all this. And besides, I know a lot of guys younger than him that have had a lot more girls! There's worse out there, try and focus on that.
Good luck :]
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