A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now and he has a 3 year old daughter from his ex-wife. I am currently 20 years old with a year and half left of college and my boyfriend is 24 years old with a degree in the job he currently has at the moment. The problem I have with our relationship is not that of jealousy for his daughter (I am receiving my license to teach children at the early childhood level and I therefore love children especially her!!), but that he is required to pay the mother child support when it is a joint custody and the mother has a dead beat job and the father has suspicions about drug abuse. I can't see myself allowing that child to go home to the mother ever and I will admit that I am a bit worried about starting a life with a man who will be working not only for me and my children, but for another woman who should work for the money herself to support the other half of her daughter's life. And even though it has only been 3 months since we have been together my boyfriend insists that he loves me already. I care for him a lot and I know I will be able to love him, but I am afraid to allow myself to love him because of all the issues going on with the child support and all I have ever wanted is a family of my own; A husband who will love me and my children, and always be there for us, but if he is forced to pay his ex money (and she wants more!) then will that ever happen with him? I am young and naive and I still have this vision in my head of an ideal family with none of this drama, but is that how real life is? Am I ever going to be able to get past my issues with this relationship? Is it ever going to be my place to tell my boyfriend how I feel about his child support situation if I did allow things to become as serious as he wants them?
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ex-wife, his ex, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 December 2010):
 In some way, shape, or form his ex will always be in your life. They share a child. There's no undoing that. No matter how much you may disagree with some of the stuff going on in his life, or how he or she parents their child, it's not your place to interfere. Sure, you're his girlfriend, but that's not your child. Trying to tell him how to parent her will only drive a wedge between you. Especially because you're not a parent yet. Granted you're education helps, but it can also make you a know it all without real experience. Just be careful. I've seen similar situations go really bad.
Specific answers to questions posted:
He can be a husband who loves and supports your children together. Just because he has to pay child support doesn't mean he won't be able to support more children as long as you budget properly.
Real life can be without this drama, but it will mean finding a man without children. You always run the risk of drama, but it is not always there.
That's for you to decide. You may be able to get past these issues, and you may find that you don't want to. You haven't been together that long, so you still have some time to decide that as well.
You will only have input on the child support situation if he asks for it or you get married. Until that point that's something you should leave for him. Child support is decided by the courts, so keep in mind that there are often legal fees involved with changes.
On an outside note. If there is suspected drug use or something like that, he can contact child protective services. He would also have a good case for full custody and then he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore.
Like I said earlier, tread very lightly here. It's not your place to interfere. You just need to support him and offer opinions only when asked for them.
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