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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it ever true that two people can have such a special connection and continue to stay in touch and see each other every few months without hurting their marriages? Or is that a fantasy? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): You can’t go on like this, the only way it’s going to work is, if you both put your selfishness aside. Let’s face it you only want this other guy for sex. If that’s the only thing missing then you need to communicate like pvtguy suggested -honestly. You need to turn this win lose situation into a win win situation. Maybe your husband will have an answer that will make both of you happy. But sneaking around destroys not just your s and your family’s life but your lovers family too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually would love to suggest that but know he would totally freak out. He has already shown himself to be quite happy to be lying about certain "betrayal" acts anyway, so I don't think he'd be interested an open honest relationship. I'm really not looking for saracasm in this forum. Was really looking for honest input, and so far it has been very helpful. Made me think a bit more clearly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Why don't you at least let your husband try seeing someone too; make it a fair test?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow - you guys are great. So many thought-provoking answers. The truth is I likely would end my marriage or would have ended it years ago if not for the fact that we have young children and I don't want them to experience divorce. My marriage is fine from the outside, no fighting, no drinking, no bad habits like gambling or porn or outward flirting, etc... quite a nice guy my husband is. But for a decade or so I've been very lonely and my husband has been very focused on his work and hobbies and the children and has had little time or interest in me or spending time with me. I've been very very lonely and have no emotional intimacy or connected feelings to him. I've met dozens or hundreds of other men in my work life, church, clubs, etc. and NEVER even flirted or considered cheating until recently meeting this one individual who I instantly felt completely comfortable and happy and connected with. So, yes I know it's bad, evil, cheating, etc... but also it has been so long, so many many years since I felt this happy.... so need help reconciliating all that and turning away from the happiness....
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reader, baddogbj  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 Yes you can make it work. Of course it is possible to deep loving feelings for more than 1 person at a time. You have one, short, life and whilst doing all in your power not to hurt any of those you love you are entitled to seek as much joy and happiness as you can.
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reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (12 February 2009):
No it is not possible. Even if the other never finds out. There is dishonesty going on, and there is a part of you that is being kept from your marriage. The dishonesty keeps you from giving your whole self to the marriage. There is another side of you, another part of you, that is not part of your marriage. You are leading a double life, and it will interfere with the emotional intimacy needed to sustain your marriage. One cannot have true emotional intimacy without total and complete honesty. You will always have to be on your guard so as not to reveal the lie of the affair. This in turn will keep you on guard in other areas as well. You will not be revealing your true and whole self to your husband in the end. ou are and will be compromising your marriage.
Read up on emotional intimacy, and you will start to get a feel for how damaging the lack of this in a relationship can be.
Cheaters often cheat b/c they lack emotional intimacy in their current relationships and crave it. However, they often are not capable of creating it within their own relationships, which is why they look outside for it. Sometimes they confuse sex with emotional intimacy. Is it them who cannot create it, or their partner who cannot, or a combination of the two? That is a question that most likely can only be resolved in counseling. Sometimes one partner is capable of creating it, but the other is not able to reciprocate, so the one that is capable ends up giving up at some point. You still have the same end result - no emotional intimacy.
I've been doing alot of reading on different negative behaviors, and I keep coming up with a lack of emotional intimacy, or an inability to be emotional intimate, as the root source of many problems in relationships. Then you have to take that a step further and define the root cause of the inability to be emotionally intimate. It is very complex and complicated and usually takes a counselor's help to unravel it all.
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reader, samurai girl +, writes (12 February 2009):
 No, you are cheating and this isn't fair to your spouses. It's morally wrong and you wouldn't appreciate it if your husband/wife did it to you. Have enough character to fish or cut bait, as they say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): if you want the sex…get a divorce…cheating is selfish…i think you know that it wouldn't work or rather that it shouldn't…you'd be committing adultery…would you be cool w/ your husband doing the same…you can try to rationalize something that's clearly wrong, but it won't make it okay or right
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): NO spells NO.
Eventually one of you will develope feelings and presto,the shit hits the fan.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClarifying - Can two people, married to others, see each other every few months for amazing sex, stay in touch in between and NOT hurt their marriages?
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reader, PeterPan +, writes (12 February 2009):
 I suppose it's possible... although I tend to think it's not likely. But let's put this to the test: what do you mean by "see each other" -- in the since that you get together for dinner now and then, or are we talking about a full-out affair? If you're talking affair, then something or someone's going to feel the ill-effects of this... if not now, at some point in the future.
Another related question: do your spouses know about your contact and occasional get-togethers? If not, then that's clearly cheating because you're compelled to hide the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be a bit more specific, can two people get together every few months for amazing sex and have friendly communications in between without hurting their marriages??
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): sure, why not? as long as you don't cheat
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): That all depends on what you get up to every few months. A bit more info needed I think.
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