A
female
age
51-59,
*opefulforlove010
writes:I have asked my husband of 18 years for a divorce about 7 months ago. We have 2 kids, over the age of 10. I have had several affairs because for years I haven't been attracted to my husband, and married him dishonestly-because he seemed like a good catch because of his career and I liked him as a friend. I was never in love with him. Also, he worked hard for our family, but was essentially a lump when he came home-watching the TV or getting on the computer, and rarely helping out with the kids or chore. I lost attraction to him. He discovered 2 of my affairs. I found that I was always searching for someone who I truly desired. Currently, I'm in love with a man I'm cheating with. I've been seeing him for about 8 months. I really love him, and I've never felt this way about anyone. We have lots of chemistry-emotionally and physically. Neither do I think about the possibility of being with other men, nor do I desire them. We talk and text everyday for hours. I've been through therapy, and read lots of books. We've talked about marriage in the future. He makes me happy, and I truly love him and know I can be faithful because for the first time I feel fulfilled. We've talked of marriage. My question is, can this relationship work? He's nothing like my husband, except he's sweet and kind. I was going to leave my husband eventually one day, but meeting him spurred me on I'll admit. My husband and I have already had couples therapy for many sessions.
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male
reader, Alligator +, writes (28 December 2009):
You should see the new Alec Baldwin Meryl s. Movie. Sounds like your ending.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Giving you advice would be like telling a drug addict which drug will make you higher.
The fact is marriage is a commitment.It is not a blanket to cover up past affairs and somehow legitimatize them.
The term marriage should not apply to you anymore as you have demonstrated the contract is null and void.
A psychologist could help you understand your need for affairs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I feel terrible for you, your husband and your lover. And here's the reason why.My wife was like you in many respects, except she was not dishonest going in to our marriage. In many respects she is still honest.But after 3 affairs it destroyed our marriage. Before her I was engaged to another woman who cheated on me and sold her body to get crack. I hadn't a clue she was on drugs. I know cheaters all too well. And though you say your life is turned around and you could be faithful to your lover, if you leave your marriage for him -- I have to say though anything is possible, its not probable.My ex-fiance cheated on me, later her boyfriend and ended up living with a drug dealer. She was eventually arrested with the drug dealer and spent 15 years in prison. She got out, married and cheated on her husband. She was a cheater.My wife slept with three different men in our marriage, aside from me. At least she didn't lie about them. I learned to accept infidelity as a norm in my life, though it has destroyed me inside.Your husband seems to be the victim here and soon your lover will be too.The reason why your husband is a lump is that you are not focusing your emotional energy on him and trying to address his needs. He on the other hand is perfectly comfortable raising his children with or without your sexual fidelity.I know this sounds outrageous, though many here will say that there is no excuse whatsoever for infidelity, there generally are a few. One of which is emotional abandonment of one spouse by the other. That is a form of self-love adultery which destroys a marriage.Though you tricked your husband into marriage, he is your husband. Obviously he sensed that and abandoned all hope for that emotional connection.You punished him and trapped him into a marriage and family. In short you used him. And when he did not give you the emotional support and address your needs the way you wanted him to, you turned to a lover.Again you've hurt your husband.Now you will go with a lover you think you can be monogamous with. I would say the odds are 100:1 against that. There is an exception here. First, you don't get divorced because you have met a replacement husband or wife. You divorce because you're unhappy in your marriage, period.Second, if there is a pinch hitter out there, take it slow and be honest with each other; and be accountable for your time and actions to your new man. There's a difference between "can be faithful" and "without question will be faithful".I don't see you in the "will be faithful" department yet.Your lover has come under your spell because you are a married woman, and therefore easily "controlled". Its hard enough having an affair when married, but much harder to have more of them when you're married -- at the same time.If you're single, your opportunities to meet single men multiply and so your current lover may turn out to be less than the prince you say he is -- now.8 months in an affair is often not sufficient to actually find yourself "in love" with someone. Your contact is often sporadic, and there are gaps. He only sees you on your best behavior, and likewise you only see him on his best behavior.I would suggest that you find yourself single first, and then find yourself. That is learn to know your own heart first. Then decide what to do.Otherwise, you will have hurt your husband, your kids, your lover and yourself. Why hurt so many people? They are all suffering even though you don't know it.I hope you find and make the most careful, wise and painless decision for all of these people. I think deep down your husband does love you despite the agony you've put him through. Remember you'll be hurting him and the kids.Likewise your lover could be hurt if you choose to stay in your marriage and jettison your lover. Again choose wisely and painlessly.Good luck
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