A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have one simple question: Can the right person come along when you are already married? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hi there. No-one really knows who is right for them until they live with them and see how that other person is to live with and how they wake up in the morning, etc.
There's so much to really knowing someone well. It's not a short process by any means.
I also think that what you might be experiencing, is that "the grass looks greener on the other side".
But unfortunately, if you cross the paddock to see, you'll see that that person probably has some faults that you can't tolerate. It's not a bed of roses after all. Everyone has their own set of problems, we all do. Whether they are problems like -
(1) Can't manage their money, never have any money, always borrowing money from people, in debt etc.
(2) They are fault finding in almost everything that you do, (you know the types of things that I am talking about here).
(3) They have a drinking, drug, gambling problem that you just found out about.
(4) They get abusive with you and physically strike you.
(5) If not hitting you, well then emotionally abusing you by disrespecting you and belittling you all the time.
There are so many things involved in getting to know someone who you see as attractive, even if you get along like a house on fire!
The bottom line is, you really don't know someone until you start to live with them. Then you find out all the negative stuff. They can only hide it from you for so long, then they relax and all is revealed.
So be very careful what you wish for.
But yes, in a general sense, there are hundreds or even thousands of potential partners out there, who if we did get involved with, could result in a very happy relationship in future.
But there is no perfect match. There will always be differences. No matter how alike you are and how much common ground you both share, you will not be exactly the same in everything. Just as long as the differences are tolerable and can be managed. Minor ones yes, they can be ignored, but major ones have to be fully considered.
Also bear in mind, that even if you have met someone now who you like a lot, or in love with, that at the moment it's a fantasy like state because the cold harsh reality of dirty washing, ironing, bills, mortage or rent, sickness, bad moods, arguments, etc., do not exist while you are only seeing each other without living together. So it's not real in that sense, because you are not experiencing all that at the moment.
Perhaps it is just that you feel a bit uninspired in your life right now. Every life needs to have a sense of purpose in it every day. Whether that sense of purpose is helping others - such as some volunteer work - or, being interested in gardening and being really passionate about it. But in any case, having some form of hobby or interest that you can engage in fully, for some time in each day. It really does make a huge difference.
When people feel their lives have no meaning, it is often a sense of a lack of passion and a lack of a sense of purpose.
With no passion or purpose in your life, you are really just going through the motions of living. Each day is like the day before. In fact in extreme cases, you could almost predict what your whole week ahead will be like - at the start of the week! And it's not so uncommon to feel that way either.
So, fun and unpredictability needs to be added. This is what makes life interesting, and it's what makes life worth getting out of bed for each morning.
And it's when people have this feeling - of something missing, that they turn outside of themselves to find a solution, and to put some fun into it quickly. Affairs are often one of those ways. Drugs, alcohol and gambling are yet another way - but a very destructive way. Really, they are a means of escape only, and nothing more.
They serve as an escape until the real solution is found. But that takes some effort and of course, time. But it's worth it.
Sometimes when a person is bored with their marriage, it's got nothing to do with their partner at all, but more to do with boredom in their own individual life instead. Even if their partner does some annoying things sometimes, the real core of the problem is not the marriage at all.
It's more likely to be general boredom in their own individual life. A lack of fun and meaning, as I was talking about earlier.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 I think so. of course I've been married three times (ended marriages 1 and 2 for reasons not related to other people..marriage 3 ended because it needed to but there was another person that was a catalyst)I don't think that we as humans have ONLY ONE person that is right for us. I also do not think that monogomy is truly natural for humans. This is why we practice SERIAL monogomy for the most part. Yes there are folks that mate and marry and live happily ever after for 60 some years (my grandparents for one) but that does not mean that it's human nature to be this way... my last marriage.. he is a good man and for a while a good fit for me... but no longer... and I do not believe like some that we as adults need to disregard our needs for the needs of others all the time. So if I am unhappy in a marriage and I can't make it work I have no problem with not being married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Hi LoveGirl, I'm the OP.
I have been married for 13 years and have met this wonderful woman a year ago. I can't stop thinking about her. I feel so strongly about her. Ours started out as a friendship because we both have kids and we meet up at our kid's activities. But I am torn between my obligation as a husband to my wife and father to my children and the very real feelings I have for her. She is beautiful, kind, sensitive, smart and I am so attracted to her. We have so much in common with our upbringings and are the same nationality. It is getting harder to fight all of these feelings as I fear at this point it is more than a crush. We have never told each other but it is obvious that we both care for each other. So this is my age old dilemma: being married (and in a "comfortable" but not so great marriage) and having feelings for another woman who is everything I am looking for and more. She also has a husband but I suspect for her to have feelings for me he is not making her happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): To the OP: your question is very 'cryptic'. Also very open ended. So WHY exactly are you questioning. And who is she?
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Definitely. There's more than one "true love" out there for each of us. "The one" is actually "the several." The trick is finding them in time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Plain and Simple Answer: YES. You are clearly unhappy in your marriage otherwise you wouldn't have asked such a question. It can only take that ONE person, not to change your perspective, but to help you to see what you really wanted in the first place. All these other comments people have made about it being "wrong timing" you meeting someone after you where married...well how about them consider you getting married at the "wrong timing" . I'm a very strong believer that everyone that comes into our lives have come for a reason, whether it be to make each other happy,guidence,learning etc...If there is another woman, if you feel that she is someone that there is no possible way in your mind and heart no matter what, you KNOW you can never ever see her disappearing from your life, if you KNOW you have something with this other woman that you cannot describe, you KNOW you just want them there with you even if they make you crazy at times... Then there's a very high chance you two have already made a deep connection, and even if you do try to resist,you will fail. And you know why you will fail?... Because you two are meant too be..Soul Mates :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Yes it is possible. Female anon said it best. I was conditioned to marry young, and that marriage is forever. Now several decades later, I am unhappy. I married an attractive and great guy, who is a wonderful father. However, there have never been "sparks" and the sex has been boring. And yes, I have tried many times and ways to spice it up. I feel cheated and I'm about ready to give up. Sad when I know he's a good man that many women would be thrilled to have.
Marriage IS hard work, even at best. I have a single friend who says being single is much easier than being unhappily married.
We all make choices.....be careful that you don't throw away something good for something that is a fantasy. That's what keeps me going at times. I don't know if in the end it would be better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): There is no one right person. If that were the case, you'd probably never ever run across them because your true soul mate would probably live in a different country, speak a different language, and your paths would never cross.
A more likely explanation is there are many, many compatible people for us to marry. Timing and our readiness to make a commitment, combined with finding one of those compatible people, makes someone right more than any other factor. There are always going to be more attractive people you run across and more attractive qualities in people you meet.
Thing is, love doesn't conquer all and that's why they say marriage is work. It's about commitment, loyalty, dedication, shared values, and your vows and that is what makes marriages last. It may be tempting to think a person you feel tempted by is predestined or your soul mate but that's just immaturity. The right person for you is the person you gave a life commitment to and have built a life with. The rest is just bad timing and yeah, maybe you would have picked that person if you'd run into them years ago but they showed up years too late so that means they aren't the right person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): P.S. I have been married for 36 years and there hasn't been a day I haven't regreted it but I could never dare to jeoperdise the lives of our kids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): you wouldn't know about being the right person or not unless you devorce and marry the new person becouse feelings on both sides tend to change after marriage, but I would say yes definitly you can be attracted to another person after marriage and it all depends if you are ready to risk losing your family for the new person or not. it is a personal choice really.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Yes it's possible. Many people marry the wrong person or for the wrong reasons. Many people marry for very weak reasons, related to a combination of pressure and expectation and insecurities, and not because the relationship is actually good enough to endure a lifetime of commitment.If you entered into marriage in a thoughtful and mature way, choosing wisely who to make that commitment to, then probably you won't feel that anyone else is the right one. If you and your partner are both emotionally intelligent and well-matched and compatible and have similar values, then probably you did marry the "right" person. if you and your spouse have a lot in common and have good relationship skills, then chances are you will continually feel that you did marry the right person. The lifelong commitment of marriage will not seem like an insurmountable obstacle. The tough times will still be tough but it won't destroy you, as is the case if you marry the wrong person or marry someone who's toxic. But many times people rush into marriage or get pressured into it. They make stupid choices to get married like due to impulse decision, peer pressure (all their friends are married and settled down), due to pressure and guilt tripping from their current girlfriend or boyfriend and feel they "owe" the other person marriage even though they are actually ambivalent about their partner...or because they're scared to be alone and want to trap someone with them (or being the victim of such a partner).many people have very bad relationship skills, they use marriage as a crutch to get them through life to avoid taking responsibility for their own personal problems. such people destroy their relationships. If you're married to such a person, you're not with the "right" person because not every person is in fact a good life partner and yet marriage is a god-given right (you can't prohibit someone from getting married if they want to, I mean). in these types of marriage, you're probably not with the person who's right for you, you just happened to have not met the right person yet you made a lifelong commitment to someone else who's wrong for you or who's downright toxic and shouldn't be married to anyone whether you or someone else. In such situations it's possible that you can in the future meet the right person but by then the fact is still that you have made a vow to the person who's not right for you. so, tough luck.So yes it is very possible that you meet the right person after you're already married. But this doesn't mean that you should leave your spouse, just because someone else is more "right" for you. It could mean that you forever give up being with the right person because you already entered into a lifelong contract with someone else and you should just make peace with that and be happy with what you have and who you're with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): I beg to differ. Male Anon's answer would certainly ring true in an ideal world and in an ideal marriage. It is definitely possible to fall in love with the right person when you are married. Maybe your spouse is abusive, physically or verbally, maybe your spouse is a serial cheater, maybe your spouse has changed since you married them, they may no longer care about you and take you forgranted, perhaps you have grown apart, fallen out of love, maybe you married the wrong person in the first place or what if it was an arranged marriage you had no say in? Or maybe circumstances outside your control affected your relationship? There could be so many reasons. Sometimes it takes the right person to come along to wake us up to the reality that we did not marry the right person or would be much happier with someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): I suppose this could be true.
An alternate question you might ask yourself is:
"Did I make a promise to be loyal and love the wrong person?" I also suppose this could be true.
If you decide you want to involved with someone besides your spouse, do the responsible thing and divorce them first. Don't cheat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): No. Not if you value your marriage; the commitment you made to your spouse. An ADULT who values the above does not even entertain the notion of someone else.
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