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female
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*oeymac
writes: Hi,First of all I am just warning you that this could possibly be the longest letter you have ever received but I wanted to tell you every little thing so you have the perfect picture. I was hoping you could help me make a decision as I can't seem to figure what I really want. The thing is about 3 years ago when I was 19 I met a lad I really liked while I was working in a pub who came and asked me for my number. His name is Danny. He looked quite shy and uncomfortable so I could tell he wasn't the sort to ask every girl he saw. Even though I was already seeing someone I said yes which I wouldn't usually. That night when I got home he rang me and we clicked instantly. We talked for about 3 hours and although I didn't even know him I felt close to him already. I told him that I was seeing someone already, and although the person I was seeing cheated on me all the time I didn't want to cheat on him. Danny told me how he had just split up with his girlfriend of 4 years. We started meeting and became the closest of friends. Danny was always telling me that he'd fallen in love with me and made me feel like the most special person in the world, he would do anything for me. I knew I was falling for him aswell after a few months and felt really guilty as I was still seeing someone. One night I ended up kissing Danny and felt disgusted with myself so I stopped calling him and ignored all of his phonecalls. He'd send me text messages begging me to talk to him saying he was in love with me and how it was killing him, but I still ignored him. Shortly after I finished with my boyfriend as I'd had enough of hearing about all the girls he'd been sleeping with behind my back. I'd heard that Danny had got back with his ex and I went on to meet someone called Dean. I really fancied Dean, and like Danny he wore his heart on his sleeve. Dean had also recently split with a girl he was with for 4 years. He was honest and told me that he had just got over an addiction with cocaine, which he had spent around £20,000 on within a few months. We had a laugh together and he was so easy going. I loved how he'd do little things like run to the shop in the morning while I was still asleep and make me crispy bacon sandwiches cause he knew I was a sucker for them. Dean started to tell me that he loved me, but after a couple of months I felt that I just had to get out and did the same to Dean. I ignored his calls and texts and after a couple of weeks he stopped. One day I was laid on my bed feeling really depressed about not being able to hold down a relationship and I remembered Danny who I had deliberately pushed out of my head. I thought to myself 'Oh my God I love him'. I found out that he was still with his girlfriend. I felt so depressed over it, I was kicking myself for making the worst mistake of my life. I was sure that I'd never find anyone else like him who I'd be as close to who loved me that much. I had no self esteem and put weight on. I felt so unattractive, this man who loved me o much didn't want me anymore. I ended up getting into an abusive relationship with a boxer. He assaulted me on more than one occassion and whenever I tried to finish things he would threaten to kill me. I was so terrified, I couldn't sleep at night. He was a dangerous person who was involved in drug dealing and had guns. I felt like I couldn't get out and that this is what my life had came to and this is what I deserved. I'd accepted that this was it. Until I got in touch with my friends again who gave me more cofidence, I lost weight and felt attractive again, and ended up going to the police and reporting him. He was put on a harrassment order and charged with the public assaults. He was also sent to prison for a few months for GBH against someone. He has (sort of) left me alone since. A few weeks after it all I was just finishing a shift on placement as I was now a year into my training as a Psychiatric Nurse. I looked at my phone and had lots of missed calls off my best friend and home. My mum offered to pick and was telling me that someone called Mike had been ringing home asking to speak to me. I was confused as I didn't really know any Mikes. My best friend rang again and told me that it was Danny's best friend Mike, who had rang her for my number because Danny wanted to talk to me. I told her he could have it as I was dying to know what he had to tell me. He rang me when I got home and told me that he loved me after not seeing each other for a year and a half. He asked me to meet him so I did and it was just like old times. We started being boyfriend and girlfriend and loved each other more than ever. After a while I saw that he resented me for choosing my ex over him. He became aggressive when talking about it but would later apologise saying he'll get over it in time. He became verbally abusive as he got jealous about my exs and would tell me he'd slept with over 20 girls since he finished with his ex. Everywhere we'd go we'd see one of these girls which really got me down and hurt me. I went out with my friends one night and saw Dean. I really fancied him still and told my friends how gorgeous I thought he was. He came over and we chatted a bit, he took my hand and kissed it, little charming things that made me think 'aww!' His best friend came up to me another night and said 'Dean really loves you'. It made me feel really happy and he was on my mind a lot, but I had a boyfriend who I was so close to and loved more than anything. I'd even have dreams about Dean when Danny was sleeping next to me which I felt really guilty about, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I've been with Danny coming up a year now, and because of his insecurities and jealousy he's said some really hurtful things to me, like call me fat, tell me he wishes he was still with his ex, tell me stories about when he had sex with so and so. I went out at the weekend with my best friend into the city. The night before I'd had an argument with Danny. I ended up apologising as I was tired of arguing all the time, but Danny didn't want to see me and chose to go to the pub with his mates while I was alone at home. He text me about half past 10 that night saying he was on his way home. The next day he didn't ring me until the afternoon. I could hardly make out what he was saying it was obvious he had a really bad hangover but he denied it. I knew he was lying to me about something and refused to see him. That night I went out with my best mate to the city and as we bought our first drink in our first pub, a big group of lads came in. One of them came up to me who I had gone to school with when I was younger, he was one of Dean's mates. He explained that they were all out for Dean's 25th. I felt really excited that Dean was here and told my mate about how much I fancied him, again. We left the pub and began walking down the street when Dean's mate came out the pub and shouted me back. As I walked back Dean came out and kissed my hand. He said it was nice to see me and asked where we were going that night. I looked at my mate Jenna and thought about Danny. 'I don't know, Happy Birthday' I said, and walked off. A couple of pubs later I was having so much fun with Jenna. I hardly ever went out or got to see my friends because Danny was so insecure and I knew I'd get accused of something. We walked into our next pub and Dean and his mates were there. I felt secretly happy and excited but tried to tell myself it was a bad thing. Dean was laughing a woman right infront of us which made me feel really jealous, so I went to the toilet. When I came back my mate had shouted him over and told him I still Really liked him. Him and his best mate asked us if we wanted to stop with them for the rest of the night. We said yes and had a great time. Dean started asking me about Danny, if I was still with him, if I loved him. I said I wasn't sure because of all the nasty things he'd ever said to me, but that he was a really lovely person and only did it because he was insecure. Dean asked me why I don't finish with him so we can be together. I was so confused. I really liked Dean he was like a breath of fresh air, he spoke to me like a human. I told him how I felt about him too but said that I wasn't going to cheat on Danny no matter what and I refused to even hold his hand. He said that was fine and we still had a great night. The four of us got a taxi and went back to Dean's. Dany started ringing my phone. I felt absolutely dreadful. I physically felt sick because I knew it would kill him if he knew who I was really with. I told Danny I was at Jenna's and it was obvious he didn't believe me. He told me he had to see me now because he had something to tell me. I turned me phone off so he couldn't ring again, it was quarter to 5 in the morning. Dean and his mate were saying they couldn't believe what Danny was being like, that he'd never talk to me like that. Dean went to bed and the 3 of us fell asleep on the settee. I was shortly woken up when Lee, Dean's mate, elbowed me in the head while he was asleep. I wandered upstairs and got in Dean's bed. I left all my clothes on. He woke up and we had a little laugh about when we were seeing each other before. I turned away to go to sleep and Dean cuddled me and kissed me on the back of my head a few times. I was nearly crying because I felt so guilty being where I was when Danny was so upset. I held his ring in my hand and went to sleep. In the morning I still felt terrible. Dean was fast asleep and I crawled out to sit with Jenna and Lee. I told them how guilty I felt and Danny started ringing me again. I answered and said I was at Jenna's house. He kept asking if he could pick me up, but I pretended I was in bed still. We ordered a taxi and I poked my head round to Dean and said bye. He asked if he could have my number and I gave it him. I got back to Jenna's and shortly after Danny picked me up. He started questionning me about things which I had to lie about. He told me he had something to tell me, that the other night when he told me he was on his way home, he was really on his was round to his mates house after the pub with some girls. One of them I don't like because she is always all over Danny infront of me, even though she goes out with one of his mates. He told me they were all really pissed and that she tried to kiss him but he said no, and at the end of the night he got in bed with her and she started to put her hands down his trousers but he said no and left. I was gutted. But then told him the truth about where I'd been. I told him everything, that I told Dean I really liked him. Danny went mad. Later that day he picked me up and we both cried about how everything had ended up. I told him I couldn't be with him anymore. The next morning Danny told me that he lied and that even though he did go back to his mates and some girls were there they were only there for a short while, that the girl he lied about was there with her boyfriend and he never got into bed with her. He told me that he had lied to get the truth out of me and that it was killing him what I had done. He also told me that he hadn't slept with 20-something girls at all that he'd only slept with 4, but felt too embarrassed to tell me, so he lied instead. We spent the rest of the day together talking about things, when Dean text me, just to say that his mate wants Jenna's number. I havn't text him back or anything yet and I just don't know what to do, who should I choose, can I ever trust Danny again for all those lies, even though I lied to him, what else has he lied about. Would I be happier with Dean, would he treat me better, could I ever be as close to him as me and Danny, he said he's definately off drugs and is starting college next week to be a drug counsellor so he can help others through it, but will there always be that temptation there will he go bck to drugs. It's such a drastic decision I'm so terrified of making it incase I do the wrong thing. Please tell me what you think my head is such a mess I can't think clearly. If you have managed to read all of this, it's like a novel I know I'm sorry, please try and make me see things a bit better I'd be so grateful to hear someone's opinion who isn't involved and isn't biased in any way!
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best friend, cheated on me, depressed, drugs, his ex, insecure, jealous, kissing, my ex, self esteem, shy, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, joeymac +, writes (7 September 2006):
joeymac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who answered my questions and thanks for actually reading the novel!! I'm going to take some time on my own and see friends, I haven't been on my own since like forever from about 15 years old. Thanks especially to malyce synn72 - I did that exercise you suggested and it's made some sense to me about the kind of people I go for, usually emotionally dependant people who kind of have the same problems as me. I always thought I was a strong person but now I can see that I always need someone to depend on. I understand what you're saying about childhood abuse/neglect - just to put the record straight incase anyone reading thinks I've been beat up as a child I haven't, my mum and dad have done a brilliant job doing everything they can for me, but I have always known that maybe I don't have as strong a loving bond with them as some of my friends for example as they both tend to keep their emothions locked up. Thanks anyway you've opened my eyes xx
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 Best thing you can do is see no men for a while. You need to learn to be happy and feel complete when single. The trick to being able to hold down a relationship with someone else is to be able to hold down a good relationship with yourself first. The only person who can make you truly feel secure and happy is you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): You need to stop seeing either one of them. It seems to me you keep bouncing back and forth between these two guys,and I get the impression as soon as either of them are nice to you and put you on a pedestal you weaken and are sucked back into this vicious circle that just keeps going round and round. I think it is you that wears your heart on your sleeve. Then to make matters worse you're dragging old baggage back and forth between the two. No wonder you're Confused!
You need to take sometime to yourself and "lick your wounds" get over both of them, move on, and stop going backwards!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): You have alot of the "symptoms" of someone who experience abuse and neglect in her childhood and now can easily fall in love readily with anyone and yet, has a fear of intamacy.
Kudos Mom and Dad for teaching your Daughter that she is unworthy of love and respect from a good man.
You have a history of choosing abusive men Sweetie; why is that?
That whole falling in love instantly and feeling a connection is due to the fact that is is "familiar" in that you had the same dynamic going on in your childhood. This is called the Repetition Compulsion. As described in Beverly Engel's book: The repetition compulsion compels us to transfer our longings, conflicts, and defenses from the past onto the present in an attempt to undo the past. It drives us to relive the same story over and over again in the hope that this time the ending will be different. Page 60, paragraph 1.
The eight step program for those who are emotionally abused:
* Step One: Admit to yourself that you are being emotionally abused and acknowledge the damage you've experienced because of it.
* Step Two: Understand why you chose an abusive partner.
* Step Three: Understand why you have put up with the abuse.
* Step Four: Understand your pattern and work on completing your unfinished business.
* Step Five: Confront your partner on his or her abusive behaviour.
* Step Six: Pay attention to your feelings.
* Step Seven: Take your power back by setting and enforcing your boundaries.
* Step Eight: Continue to speak up.
The book goes into further detail of explaining why you stay and guides you how to understand your pattern.
With this is this excercise:
1. On a piece of paper, draw two paralell lines dividing the page into three colomns.
2. In the first column, make a list of the behaviours and personality traits of your current partner. Include such things as not very smart, lazy, brilliant, dependent, loud, loyal.
3. In the second column, make a list of the traits and behaviours of your previous partner.
4. In the third column, make a list of the traits and behaviours of your partner before the previous one.
Take a look at your three lists and notice any similarities among the three partners. Circle the words that seem to be repeated. Notice that while you may describe the men or women in different terms, their basic personalities may be similar.
pages 95-96.
Please seek individual counselling to address your insecurities and fears and your childhood as well.
Please seek some individual counselling as well as pick up a book from Bevery Engel titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship~How To Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing". I picked my copy up at an Indigo/Chapters bookstore.
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A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 Yikes!
You're right - it's like a novel!
OK, some observations.....
Danny doesn't sound like he's the good guy you first met and first liked. I'm not convinced that his 'lies' about the other woman in his bed and the 20 other women actually are lies. I don't know if I've got the vibe wrong, but I get the feeling that the innocent boy he claimed to be early on was just an act. I think the relationship you've had over the past couple of years has shown his true colours, and that's insecure and basically not very nice.
As for Dean, I'm not sure. It sounds to me like you're focussing on Dean as a way of dealing with what's going on with Danny. You focus on the positive aspects of Dean rather than dealing with your problems with Danny head on.
My suggestion to you would be to end the relationship with Danny and spend some time on your own to start with. Hang our with friends or whatever, but leave the boys out of it for a couple of months. If Dean is such a great guy, he'll wait, no problem. But in the meantime you'll get your perspective back - and who know's maybe meet another guy - or a hundred guys - all of whom are way nicer than either Dean or Danny.
Honestly, take some time outside of a relationship. Your 'novel' just sounds like you leave one relationship and step into another - and it sounds like it's contributing to this constant comparision between these guys rather than dealing with them as individuals.
Take care,
Anon2907
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A
male
reader, Inspired +, writes (6 September 2006):
Dear Friend,You have to list all your guys on paper and decide whom do you want to be with.~Inspired.
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