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female
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anonymous
writes: I noticed on my itemised phone bill that there was a premium rate telephone number thathad been been dialed many times. I rang it to discover that it is a sex line. I have no children so it can only be my husband. How do I handle this? My husband is working away at the moment but is back on Friday. It is now Wednesday and I am at my wits end. We have been married for seven years and together a total of fifteen. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Very slight chance but in Australia such numbers and other sorts of numbers have appeared on people's bills when they never dialed them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Does he ring sex lines while away at work and are you afraid it is more than just ringing sexlines when he is out of town?
Is there a way you can set up some marriage counselling ASAP?
I say ask him why he feels the need to do this as Dr.Pete suggested. Then listen. Don't re-act. Make a promise and keep it; promise you will listen and not say anything for a few hours. Maybe just hug him and go to bed. Tell him you love him and say you are glad he is home.
Next day, tell him your fears and worries and that you are willing to do what you can to make sure he doesn't feel the need to turn to other women and that he really, shouldn't be turning to them as they will not fix any problem or issue in the marriage as that is your responsibility and he knows this.
Once you start on the path of turning to other women to fulfill a sexual need or desire; it isn't long before you are thinking...well...this is harmless and it is still harmless if I meet someone so long as I don't have sex....then I can hold her as it is still not sex and I am not cheating yet...I will kiss her and no one will know and that is all I am going to do...to this woman makes me feel good and I might sleep with her once but that is it...
So it is a good thing you discovered this and so you can prevent him from hurting you and himself.
Good Luck.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Hi,
I genuingly don't think you need to be at your wits end about this, it doesn't necessarily mean there is a big problem and I think as you have already been together for a good amount of time you will be able to get through this problem. I think what you need to do is talk to your husband when he gets back, but in a careful way where you arn't accusing him or attacking him. If you do talk like this he is likely to get defensive and you won't be able to address the real problem.
Men can turn to doing things like this without really considering how their partner may feel. In their head, they probably arn't doing any thing wrong. They don't see it as cheating, just as a means for some form of sexual fulfillment. Now I know that might sound bad - but it's not as bad as it sounds. If men feel something is lacking from their partner (or their relationship - or even themselves) it is much more easier to turn to a sex line, or pornography than it is to sit down and have a proper conversation with their partner.
I think you should ask if your husband is happy with the physical side of your relationship and ask him if he still finds you attractive and if there is any thing that you can both do to improve things. If you don't want him to call sex lines again, then you need to make this a condition. You will both work at fixing whatever things he is unhappy with, but he will promise to not call these lines again as they will interfere in the way that you, as a couple, work together.
I genuingly believe that you two will be ok and that you will both resolve this situation. You've been together long enough to already know that problem solving and a good relationship comes by good communication and honesty. So if you can achieve this through your talks it'll all be fine. Good luck.
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