A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was caught a few times on dating sites by my beautiful girl. I did deny it at first, but now I have owned up to all of them, what she knew about.I have not been on them for a while, but she wont believe that. She is constantly interrogating and cross examining me about it, and she thinks I am still lying all the time.She also has got it into her head that I met and had sex with different women off the sites. I know I was in the wrong and accept that. Does this mean she is never going to trust me again. I love her, but I do not know if I can live like this forever. She is not pleasant to be around any more and cannot remember the last time we laughed together.How do I make her believe that I am not going to go on any more sites like that again?I just want to go back to the happy times with her. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mick Mc  +, writes (17 November 2013):
Incidentally, I have also been on dating sites myself. I was single though, and in the position to. I would not be crazy enough to risk a real life relationship for the sake of them.
A
male
reader, Mick Mc +, writes (17 November 2013):
Do you actually know that what you did was wrong? Do you know what it would feel like if it was her doing it to you? It does not seem as if you actually do know, or even care about that.
I walked out of a seemingly good relationship because of the same problem. No matter how many times she told me how happy she was, I still kept catching her on dating sites, and was told lie after lie. Like you, she did not seem to understand what she had done wrong.
Strange how some people feel entitled to crap over everything, and only ever feel sorry for their self only.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): Thanks for replying. I appreciate it. 18 months into a relationship, and I am thinking if ending it, based on his deception much earlier on. It hurts more as I love him more. I also think that if he had it in him to do it before, he has it in him to do it again. What is the difference? that he got found out, or that he magically changed?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): I am the guy who posted this, although I now wish I never did post. To answer the anonymous females question (the last reply)- - I honestly dont know why I kept doing it. I guess I always thought she would never find out everytime. I was a bit bored I think. Other than that I dont know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Please can you think really honestly, and tell us why you did that. I have had two boyfriends do the same thing, at the beginning and happiest time of our relationship, and I just can not understand WHY. Plus, no matter what explanation they gave, I am not sure it is the truth. I would like to know the absolute truth of WHY, from an anonymous person.... please?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): You turned her into who she is. If you cannot live with the damage you have caused, let her go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Trust is like the handle on a fine china tea cup.
It's strong until it breaks. You can MEND it and make it usable again but no matter how strong you make it once it's broken it's always more fragile. You can mend it so the crack barely shows but you KNOW it's there... and you are always a bit more tender with the beloved cup after that.
BUT it will NEVER be the same. It will NEVER be as strong as it was before it was broken.
I was married to a man who lied and cheated. I forgave him. and over time the trust grew... of course as soon as I started trusting him even a little bit and backed off on checking his phone and such (which in retrospect i needed to just LEAVE him when I caught him the first time) he would do something to destroy the little trust I had built up.
How to make her believe you:
1. you hand her your unlocked phone EVERY time you see her
2. you give her all your pins and passwords so she can read your mail and facebook 24/7 without your being with her and without you knowing in advance so you can "clean up" your mess.
3. you show her your bank and credit card statements daily
4. cc her on any and all email that might be a concern to her.
5. give her full access to your computer at all times including showing her anything you do that you are not happy to show her (porn and such)
6. you check in with her regularly when you are not with her... good morning call or text (and always respond to her ASAP even if it's to say "busy right now I'll call later" check in at lunch time, check in when you get home... a phone call at bed time when not with her.... in otherwords, 24/7 access so that she knows you can't be lying or cheating because she always knows where you are and who you are with.
7. give her time to learn to trust you again. this could take over a year.....
In order to regain her trust you have to go way beyond what normal trust earning behavior you have had in the past.
and yet it still will always be a concern to her...
let's say you two are able to fix this... six years from now you decide to go out with the guys after work and you don't call her or ask in advance... she will WONDER if you are telling the truth... IS IT WORTH IT?
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I think if you had the ability to understand or care about what you did, then you wouldn`t need to be asking this question.
She may calm down eventually, but she probably wont ever trust you wholeheartedly again. She`d be mad to.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Why did you go on dating sites when you were in a happy relationship?
Why did you think it was OK to lie to your girlfriend?
Why are you blaming her for things going bad when it is entirely your fault?
She will most likely NEVER trust you again and if you do not understand the impact and devastation that cheating does to a relationship then you got no business being in one at all!
You are the one who killed it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
 You've owned up to all the ones she knew about, or all of them?
You went on dating sites, then you tried to deny it, and have only partially told the truth? No wonder she has trouble with trusting you.
She has got it in her head that you had sex with random women because you were on dating sites looking for sex with random women. If you weren't on dating sites looking for sex with random women, then you wouldn't be experiencing the aftermath of your actions coming to light.
Good that you know you were wrong, do you know why you did it in the first place? Have you taken steps to deal with that?
She will never fully trust you again. You proved yourself to be a cheater-wannabe AND a liar.
If you can't deal with the natural aftermath of your choices then you should do the graceful thing and bow out, let her get on with her life and hope she'll laugh again with the next guy.
Perhaps a course of couples counseling could help you try to repair the damage you've done. I think if you are sincere about wanting to work this out you could give it a try.
Why did you go on the dating sites in the first place, if you had happy times with a beautiful girl? Do you have some sort of problem?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
 this is a prime example of why breaking trust in a relationship almost always guarantees the ruining of a relationship. I can't particularly blame her for being paranoid and assuming the worst. I'm sure you blindsided her and crushed her when she saw that. Just the same way if the roles were reversed you would have been crushed as well. All the trust was ripped away in that moment. And just because you now own up to everything and regret it doesn't make it go away.
Since what your actions did caused this problem, if you are fully committed to sticking around and picking up the pieces, be prepared to be travelling a long and hard road. If this is NOT something you are capable of doing, then don't waste your time. What you did ripped apart your relationship at its core. And every bit of trust now has to be rebuilt. This means by showing her through your actions, not words, over and over again for an extended period of time. It may take years to get back what you lost. Are you prepared for that?
however, on the other hand, once she committed and agreed to working through the lying, it was imperative for her to remember that she must do her best to forgive. This doesn't mean she can't forget. But if both parties are committed fully to getting past it, she must not bring it up and hold it over your head every time you two fight. And she must also realize that because you lied and did these things, it does not also give her the sudden right to rummage through your personal belongings etc looking for signs you're doing it again. She must, as hard as it is, respect your boundaries, and give you the same respect and leeway she used to before this all happened. The reason for this is because if she suddenly starts acting crazy and possessive, despite it being legitimate and understandable, it immediately makes your relationship unhealthy and you both will be completely miserable.
You both have a lot of work to do. Are you both committed to doing it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): maybe the happy times were not quite as happy as you remember them being. if you was that happy. you would not have gone looking on dating sites.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (12 November 2013):
I caught my ex out several times on dating sites. Have you not stopped and thought just once, to what it feels like to be in her situation? It doesnt seem like you have.
Why should she trust you? I wouldnt. She is behaving in exactly the same way as I did, before I decided to dump him once and for all.
This is what happens when you destroy trust.
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