A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:(I'd be most appreciative if somebody could reply ASAP)I've never been the best person to talk about sex, as it upsets me to talk about it. I've been in a relationship for just over 3 months now (not thinking about sex, don't worry) but I'm just so sad and whenever I think about it I fall apart. Obviously I'm still a virgin. I'm sensible and I understand there's no rush and not to give into pressure. I just freak out about it, it's driving me mad, I don't understand why people do it. Surely relationships can last in a platonic sense?My boyfriend understands how I feel and how the whole sex subject makes me feel, I just don't want to feel like a baby anymore, I don't want to be afraid. I want to be able to not feel nervous about it. Understandably it's only natural, but I'm just sick of sex being everywhere and I can't express how I feel to anyone, without sounding like I'm complaining.
View related questions:
period, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou from everyone who suggested their ideas and opinions, I'm very grateful (:
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Actually, I really like this question. Just to clarify, a relationship is platonic if there are no romantic feelings. A relationship can be romantic and still not involve sex itself. A platonic friendship is one where there is no attraction whatsoever.As for you feeling like a baby, trust me, you choosing to abstain from sex is a very grown-up choice, and it's not an easy one because like you said, our culture is so sexualized that people feel like there's something wrong with them if they want a relationship without sex.Stand your ground, because there are more like you than you think. Sounds like your boyfriend respects your decision in life, and if he or anyone else makes you feel differently, they are wrong. Stay strong. You still can have love in your life without feeling like you have to have sex. You'll weed out the guys that only have easy and casual sex on the brain, but that is a good thing. Your choice doesn't make you less than grown up. You aren't a baby because you don't want to have sex now. You are allowed to love and be loved without feeling like something's wrong if you're not having sex. Stand your ground. When you're ready for it, you're ready. Don't let anyone push you into being ready.Stay strong and unafraid. Keep true to your convictions. You're no baby. And there are others who feel as you do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2012):
 I think chigirl described it really well.Yes, you can have a relationship that is without sex but not "entirely" platonic (as in there is an attraction towards the other person and her/his body as well as his/her personality and soul) - specially at your age.Getting to REALLY know someone doesn't HAVE to involve sex.If your BF understands and respects that sex is just not in the cards for now I think he is a good match for you (for now). Just stick to your values and morals and accept that not everyone thinks the way you do and there is NOTHING wrong with their line of thinking or yours.Like with everything else peer pressure -ish - just because "everyone" else talks about sex, have sex or want to do it doesn't mean YOU have to feel/want/do the same.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): I understand where you're coming from, sex does seem to be the focus for everyone everywhere these days, hyped up to the max, and its really frustrating because there's far more to relationships than just sex, there's far more to life than just sex, yet everyone goes on as though they couldn't live without it.Anyway, maybe a solution to easing your awkward feelings towards sex, would be reading deeper into the subjects of sex, to understand it more in a spiritual sense rather than just what it means on a physical level. I don't mean a novel such as the overrated 'Fifty shades' series of books, I mean more of an encyclopedia type book on the subject of sex, or read up about it on the internet.Just a thought.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Why do you get so upset you to the point of tears to talk about sex? Is it because you're scared of losing virginity, you feel the pressure but you're not ready, or what? A couple of thoughts. You dislike sex everywhere. I get that. It's really annoying, ESPECIALLY when you're around a bunch of sexually curious hormone filled teenagers to not really feel into it. I remember my high school friends would always think they heard sexual words, I'd say "crayon" and they'd be like did you just say vagina?? It got SO OLD. accept that people will sort of mature out of this mostly, and it will stablize where sex is less discussed 24/7. I also think that you'll become more comfortable with the idea of sex when you're ready for sex, and it's good for you to be aware that you're not ready, and just embrace your not-readiness. I don't mean you have to wear "still a virgin" t-shirts or something, but recognize that it's still part of your identity that you are choosing to hold on to. When you think about it, or at least if you got the education I did, you probably only realized what sex was about 4 years ago, and 3/4 of your life you didn't know much about it. Now you're expected to be-all knowing, all-expert, and all-WANTING of it. That doesn't really make so much sense. Might need more time for the idea to grow on you, if that makes sense. Also, some people don't really develop "horniness" until later on, some people it just depends on the guy you're with to really turn you on, others try to make sure they're in love before they take the next step. Understanding where you are in this spectrum will help you grow more comfortable about who you are, and you'll be able to provide yourself an answer to why you're not in the boat that everyone's seemingly forcing you into. Lastly, if you haven't already, alert your guy to your goals about the relationship, like, "i want to stay a virgin til i'm out of college' or 'i will let you know when i'm ready but i don't see myself being ready for a long time' or 'at least 1 year.' I know you've said you've discussed it with your boy and he's accepted it so far, but if it isn't discussed with the idea of what the foreseeable future is in terms of sex, then it WILL feel like it's lurking more, and he'll drop hints cause he's not being guided on what your status is on the subject anymore. That should relieve his interests/curiosity, and the silent or spoken pressures you're feeling from him. Hope this all makes sense. Feel free to follow up!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 " I don't understand why people do it."
Because it is what separates a relationship from a friendship. Sexual attraction. The idea that your partner is attractive to you. You wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who you couldn't stand touching you, or who you didn't want to kiss, or hold hands with. Sexual attraction is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
At your age though I think it's perfectly fine to take things slow. That doesn't mean sex is out of the equation, I mean you are attracted to your boyfriend right? You don't think of him as a brother, he's something more, right? So there is an attraction there that goes beyond the platonic friendship. Otherwise you'd just be friends. However, the attraction doesn't need to lead to sex all the time. And especially when you are both young, it is natural to want to wait with it. Because it's all new, and you are both still so young. You should just do what you feel comfortable with, and if sex isn't what you want then fine. Nothing wrong with that.
Just understand that you're still allowed to be sexually attracted to your boyfriend, even if you don't want to have sex with him at this stage of your relationship. There could be many reasons to wait with sex, everyone have their own reasons. But there needs to be an attraction beyond platonic friendship, or else you are just holding hands with a good friend and nothing more.
...............................
|
