A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my gf for 3 years. We started dating shortly after I ended my only other relationship, which had lasted 9 years, partly so that I could experience being single for the first time in my life. I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time but I got along so well with this girl that I decided it was foolish not to date her and we've been together ever since. She currently lives with me in my house.Around the same time I started seeing my girlfriend casually, I was also talking to another girl that I was VERY attracted to but was wary of because of her reputation of being a little unstable and her age (19 at the time to my 24). We talked and flirted and discovered that we shared a very mutual, very strong attraction to one another but nothing ever came of it. I eventually started dating my gf and she started dating someone else.This second girl and I have remained friends and often end up at the same parties due to mutual friends. We almost hooked up two years ago (she was single at the time) but thought better of it. Then last year, we started talking again and I was pursuing her to some degree. We started talking very frequently and ended up having a brief fling, which she ended because she wanted a relationship that I couldn't give her and she found another boyfriend. I was crushed but resolute to recommit myself to my gf and the 2nd girl and I basically stopped talking.Then earlier this year, the 2nd girl started talking to me again. At first it was very friendly until she started drunk texting me about how hot I am and how she still was very interested in me. I was hesitant to engage her because of my ongoing relationship and my experience last time when she hurt me. Over time she continued to talk to me more and more, expressing her dissatisfaction with her boyfriend (the one she broke things off with me to date) and began pursuing me aggressively. I was very hesitant to start something again but eventually gave in to my and her desires.We started spending time together 3 months ago and things have progressed steadily since then. She has broken up with her boyfriend and we talk regularly. We are both still extremely attracted to each other, I've always felt that she's one of the most attractive people I've ever known and she feels the same about me. Needless to say, the sex is incredible (though it is very good with my girlfriend as well). She's absolutely crazy about me and I'm totally infatuated with her. She's matured greatly from 3 years ago and the age difference is less meaningful with us both now in our 20s. I had been hoping to some extent that our feelings would fade some as we spent more time together and things became more routine and less exciting, but only the opposite has happened.I do not want to leave my girlfriend because we have an otherwise great relationship and we are very happy together (this notwithstanding). I am also unwilling/unable to quit this other girl because I care deeply about her, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to think about not talking to her. I'm completely torn. The 2nd girl and I acknowledge that there will unlikely ever come a time where we aren't interested in each other physically or emotionally, so it would be difficult for us to somehow end this as friends. I've contemplated leaving my girlfriend for her but I worry that I will regret it and never get another chance with my girlfriend. My gf also has low self-esteem and I worry about what me leaving would do to her. I know the general sentiment will be to break things off with the 2nd girl and/or come clean to my gf. But I really would like to try a relationship with the 2nd girl...I'm just having a hard time justifying turning my life upside-down to try something that might not work. I also love my girlfriend dearly and would never want to hurt her (and yet I've already done this - I acknowledge there is a disconnect there). In many ways I wish I could go back in time to three years ago and do things differently but that is not an option.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Be a man, and break off the relationship with your current girlfriend and just stay single. Then you can bang whomever you wish with no responsibilities tied to your actions. Who do you think you are??? I'll tell you. For someone who has thought this thing through, the only person you are really thinking about is yourself. You have completely bipassed what you are doing is wrong and the truth is, you are a very weak individual. You don't want to turn YOUR life upside down? Isn't that just too bad...try turning your life around and doing the right thing. You are young, you don't have to be tied to anyone right now, do what you want and get this out of your system and learn from it. There are no justifications, excuses or any reasons for cheating on your partner. Ever. The moment you decided you wanted to be with the other girl is the moment you should have realized you needed to end your current supposed relationship. But instead you took the coward easy route and thought it would be okay to be with both of them and now it's coming down on you. How long do you think you can you keep this up? The girl you are cheating with knows who you are...do you actually think she is going to trust you and stay with you knowing what you are and how you got to that place?
A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Oh, poor girlfriend of yours...do you not realize what this means? It means you do not respect her enough to even be honest with her.I agree with what everyone says here, there is an inconsistency in what you are saying. How do you say that you are happy with her if you are seeing someone else behind her back? A happy person will not ask for more, but you are. How can you say you love her if you don't even care sleeping with someone else..you knowing the fact that your girlfriend has low self-esteem. Isn't her low self-esteem justifiable by what you are doing now?I notice too that you keep on mentioning the word "attraction" with this 2nd girl. It does seem like you are still feverish about your new found sex life and too overwhelmed. Surely there's one who you love more? Choose her! if you don't love your girlfriend anymore, please, show some respect by being honest and letting her go. Believe me, she will thank you in the future if you just stop wasting her time and letting her spend it with someone else who is more deserving.I know you could be afraid of confrontation and agony and trouble that this revelation to your gf will bring to you. But what to do? You brought yourself to this situation, it's not like you woke up one day and found another girl in your bed. Be a man, accept what consequence it will bring you. Just solve this issue once and for all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): No wonder your current live in girlfriend has low self esteem, do you think she stupid? That she doesn't realise something going on.. I repeat again no wonder her self worth and esteem are rock bottom, that you that's doing that to her..You don't love her, you just think sexy girlfriend might get tried of your ass and pack you on and move on to the next better thing, as you put it (she had a reputation of being unstable) unstable haha most like she slept around a lot, hence your reluctance to became involved earlier on..Your a donkey ass, and I detest judging people but you are..Leave your live in girlfriend maybe who knows she may after the sobbing, sigh with relief. You are not doing her any favours, she knows you well enough in 3 yrs to know something a foot.. You and sexy girlfriend seem well matched..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Well guess what? you need to make up your mind.Honestly, I think you should give up both of them and just stay single.Then just keep on playing, you know anyway the more the merrier. I don't think you are in love with any of them.You just want them for sex and for feeling being with someone. But you're not in love.I have a friend who's a player like you, he has so many gf's and i ask him why, he said he's not yet meeting the one who will make him stop playing around.I ask him are you capable of falling in love. Oh yes he said to lots of women, i love all my gf's he said.. Then one day, he made an announcement, He said he found the love of his life and ready to settle down...I was shocked how could he? then he said he just wake up one day, feeling uneasy about the thought that he might lose this one girl, just one day, he can't stop thinking about anyone else but this girl he ask to marry him.He said the timing was right and he couldn't think of ending up with anyone else but her..You're not yet at that stage, you still wonder and enjoy having them both.. You're not in love with both of them. its just for the thrill, fun and sex...Respect these girls, break up with them both and just play around...Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): What would you say if unbeknownst to you, your GF of 3 years slept with another guy 2 years ago. It was just a fling, it ended and she recommitted to you. BUT, now she is back with this fling, having incredible sex with him (good sex with you) and has a total emotional and physical connection with him. She doesn't want to break his heart and leave him, but then she loves you too and is comfy in a relationship with you. She's just so torn, the attraction with the other guy is just so amazing and the sex so incredible. What should she do??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): I didn't even read the whole of your post. Just the question itself was enough for me to chime in!
1. tell her the truth (if you haven't already)
2. if she breaks up with you...it's what you brought upon yourself, by yourself
3. if you don't choose and use options 1&2 (they work in tandem) then break up with her now and go with the one you're 'infatuated' with. Honestly, i think you just wanted to bang her and that's all.
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A
female
reader, turquoise88  +, writes (9 October 2012):
Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves better than a cheating scumbag boyfriend like you! If you truly cared about her OR think you "have a great relationship" you wouldnt have sought out this other girl! I personally don't think you should end up with either one of them. But really break up with your girlfriend, come clean about the reason if you want, but it doesn't seem like you are filled with guilt so I doubt that'll happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): i dont know what advice you want, you want your cake and eat it too and thats that, you know your in the wrong but your not going to change anything soo...theres no advice to give
all i have read is what you want and you just want to keep your girlfriend as a back up just incase you realise that the second girl isnt for you, if my boyfriend did that i would think he loved me id think he just loved and thought of himself only
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 "I also love my girlfriend dearly and would never want to hurt her (and yet I've already done this - I acknowledge there is a disconnect there). "
If you don't want to hurt her why aren't you breaking it off and allowing her to find a man who will be faithful to her? This need to keep her sounds more like selfishness than an act of love. You're nto doing her any favours by lying to her day after day, you know. You're not being nice to her by not letting her know the truth, you're not showing her you love her when you're off with a fling on the side.
If you really love her then show her some respect and break up. Always end one relationship before you begin another. It isn't about "love", it's about common decency and respect. Show your girlfriend some respect.
"I've contemplated leaving my girlfriend for her but I worry that I will regret it and never get another chance with my girlfriend. "
You already decided that your girlfriend and your relationship wasn't worth it when you had your fling. Just because you haven't told her doesn't mean you haven't cheated. You already blew your chances with your girlfriend, and you've already ended the relationship with her. You already filled out the paperworks and signed the deal, she just hasn't recieved it yet.
You're a grown man and I expect you to know what you need to do. No need to give you advice, you know what you need to do. The question is: are you going to act like an adult or act like a child?
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A
female
reader, melco75 +, writes (9 October 2012):
You really need to make a decision because you are hurting them both by doing what you're doing right now.
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