A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship with someone in a different country. Gasp! Yes, I said a long distance relationship.Our relationship is still new (5 months about) but I feel it is strengthening. We are continuously making plans to visit each other and have talked about moving to the other country if our relationship continues to grow. And while many LDRs do fail, I think what makes our's realistic is that there is a goal to move closer if things continue to go as plan.We frequently call and text each other constantly. We cam when we can. We send each other things. We are dedicated to each other and do not see/date/etc other people. I feel like we trust each other very much.One issue, however, is that most healthy relationships include sex and physical interaction. Physical sex cannot exist with us most of the time because of distance. So, we try other things. So far we both enjoy phone sex very much. We also send adult photos/videos. Physical sex would be nice but obviously that's not possible all the time! I don't think sex is a GIGANTIC part of a relationship, but I do think it's very important. I'm hoping that these alternatives can satisfy that need. I'm also hoping that he doesn't get bored of this...And here is my question: do you think phone sex, maybe cam sex, and sending adult photos/videos to each other could keep the spark alive and our relationship strong? Is there a real substitute to actual sex?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2013):
 I did an LDR. It was not as big an LDR as a different country so we could see each other pretty often....
I'll speak to the going to bed at night with nothing to cuddle aspects... and my take on LDRS and phone sex and cam sex and dirty photos..
You "know him 5 years" does this mean you have EVER met this man? or do you KNOW him ONLY online? This is a concern for me... knowing someone ONLINE may feel very intimate and you may feel like you really know him but until you two are face to face in real life, you can't be sure it will work. The chemistry you have ONLINE is going to be VERY DIFFERENT from the chemistry in real life.
I speak from experience.
If you want ONLY positive support and ideas for VLDR then I suggest the website http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/
men and women who have done what you are trying to do can give you more ideas that work...and speak to their pain of being apart.
Personally I agree that cam and photos are dangerous to have around and in the wrong hands can lead to big problems later on. NOT saying this WOULD happen to you but it MIGHT without it even being your BF's fault. It's amazing how deeply employers will dig now to find things that may compromise a person's employment. Sexual items can compromise a person. Please be careful with what you send transmit or receive over internet or phone as it cannot be guaranteed secure.
Secondly there is NO substitute for a warm body in your bed over time. SHORT TERM it works.
So you and this man speak of getting together... have you met yet?
NO? 5 years of being friends and neither of you have ever traveled close enough to see each other even ONCE?
So now 5 months in what's changed? and why have you not after 5 months rushed to meet? What holds you back?
MONEY? IF money is holding you back, then you can't afford a VLDR. Even my 2 hour car ride LDR got VERY expensive. My car eventually died and had to be replaced. Train tickets ONE way were $ 90 for a less than 2 hour ride... GAS ran me 60 dollars round trip and tolls were about 20 to start... that was 3 years ago.. NOW it would cost nearly 30 in tolls alone... (prices have gone up)
I hear your pain...
if you have NOT met... this whole thing is just in the early planning stages... but I did write an article about this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-long-distance-relationship-worth-it.html
LDRs need
communication (sounds like you have this)
regularly scheduled meetings (at least quarterly for a VLDR which it sounds like you have but that you are NOT MEETING and that truly is a HUGE problem)
MONEY for travel and relocation I would think at 22-25 and having not met after knowing each other for 5 years that money and travel are an issue and if so.. what is the plan to meet and to continue meeting? NONE set in stone? THIS IS A HUGE CONCERN OP....if you have no plans to meet in the next three months... how do you figure this to be a true relationship... you may meet and find out you are not compatible in real life.... YOU MUST MEET SOON... you must have REGULARLY SCHEDULED visits. IF you do not meet soon and you don't get regular visits then I'm sorry I'm going to also have a very hard time supporting that this is a true and worthwhile relationship....without meeting face to face without regularly scheduled visits, then an LDR can easily become a way for one or both parties to avoid real life.
TRUST (sounds like this is not an issue at this point)
and most importantly:
A PLAN TO END THE DISTANCE is the most critical thing. In my experience unless you two come up with a way to end the distance within two years from NOW I wont' give you much hope of making it work forever...
Our close couple friends are married.. dated two years.. married a bit over a year now. They are LDR for two more years. He's 2 hours away and he comes home every weekend on the train and she picks him up. The only reason they do this is because he's 2 years from full retirement at his life time job and he must live in the city he works in as part of his job. BUT they see each other nearly every weekend. THAT makes it very workable for them.
You being in two different countries can't make that work.
THE ONLY way to make this work is to figure out when you will be together full time.
best of luck to you OP VLDRs need all the help and luck they can get as they RARELY work out.
A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (27 November 2013):
Hi, I'm in a ldr for 18 months so far and we are continents apart. We use skype a lot for every purpose. When you are so far for months you crave for sexual intimacy and the only way to be intimate is engaging on cyber/phone sex. The first time it was kind of awkward but since then has been exciting. Very few people understands what we go thru. I belive that yes, sharing this kind of intimacy brings you closer, its as good as you can get while on distance. Just don't do it that often, you don't want to lose the excitement and make it routine. If you have any more questions or comments I'm here to help, message me. This kind of relationships are very hard and sometimes we need as much support as we can get. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): OP here.Ah, I knew I would get the negative posts saying LDRs never work. Honestly, I should have mention I've known this guy for FIVE years, but have been in an actual relationship for 5 months. He is NOT a total stranger who I know nothing about. That's my fault for leaving the information out.To WiseOwlE, you say "Stop starving yourself. Give up that excruciating LDR!"This is one of the cruelest things I've heard several people say. I legitimately love this guy, and it seems he legitimately loves me too. It would be silly to just give it up because of our distance. You can't just cut out love. Thousands have made it work. Why not us? We both know we have to keep it realistic, and realistic means a goal to close the distance. We have to at least try.You are free to give your opinion- I surely cannot stop you! But my question was about phone sex and adult photos. I would appreciate advice on that, rather than people who don't know me and my BF telling us to call it quits.Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): There is no substitute for real affection, sex, and intimacy. We use toys and devices as tools for temporary stimulation. There is no pulse, no breathing, no warmth, and no skin to humanize the sex. No heaving and undulating bodies.Just sound and images. That's actually masturbation. Real sex requires touch. I caution you about sending "adult photos" of yourself over the internet. They can end up anywhere, and be seen by anyone. Once you give them to him, he can do whatever he pleases with them, and share them with anyone. He can also expose them in retaliation; if you have a bad breakup.Maybe people try too hard to circumvent human interaction. They lose their interpersonal skills. When they actually meet someone in-person; they don't know what to say, or feel nervous and self-conscious. One OP confessed she felt terrified of her imperfections being discovered. Things not seen on Skype or webcam.Dirty-talk can be purchased anonymously from a faceless voice on the phone, and paid for with a credit card. You can view perfect bodies on porn sites on a smart phone. How can a phone keep a real relationship strong? I guess if that's all you've got, you have to improvise. Stop starving yourself. Give up that excruciating LDR!It would be practical and more fulfilling to keep up your interpersonal skills, and hone your personality.Stay in practice by going out and actually meeting real people in their natural human habitats. Keeping travel expenses and phone rates to a minimum. Imagine being able to actually hold hands, glance into each other eyes, and look forward to spending hours or weekends together side by side. Love by satellite isn't what nature intended for us.Stressing yourself out linked by devices and satellite connection just won't cut for me. With phone images you can hide your faults. Create enhanced images to deceive and entice your lover. Then when you finally meet, the true image may not be as exciting.In time, we get frustrated and return to the simpler ways. How long can you go on without touch? Humans are tactile creatures.Ask any prisoner. As awful as it can be to be around every form of dread to society, they would go kicking and screaming into an isolation cell. They'd rather be in general population exposed to hell. I liken LDR's to being in an isolation cell, peeking at the world through a little rectangular window. They aren't necessary unless they're forced upon you. You are a young and vibrant female; who deserves to have a real romance. Up close and in your face. Your brain is wired to crave human touch and companionship.Why do you think people go mad in total isolation? It is due to the deprivation of being able to view and communicate with others. To be able to feel the actual physical presence of another human being in close proximity. How is a lover a lover, unless you have real sex?Cutting off all the natural senses from the stimulation from human interaction changes us. It makes us socially awkward, inhibited, and emotionally withdrawn. Unless you're an astronaut or prisoner in isolation; I cannot understand why people stress themselves out trying to carry on remote relationships. You spend the majority of your time craving to be with each other. I would recommend finding yourself a man at least in your own city or town. Establish yourself a loving and fulfilling relationship, and take the strain off yourself.You're too young to be putting yourself through all this deprivation and frustration. I'd go nuts.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Actually, transmitting sexual images is one of the dumbest things anyone can possibly do, especially if this is a newish relationship (5 months and you have never met the guy is definitely new). We tell our kids never to sext, and it applies to adults as well - you do not know this guy. You've never met him, and pictures sent through the internet can NEVER come back. Your embarrassing pornographic images can be transmit all over the internet at the slightest hint of something wrong. How many millions of stories about blackmail and nasty lost tempers have porn movies and pictures exposed by morally bankrupt partners?
A rule of thumb regarding transmitting images is - don't send anything you wouldn't want shown in front of your church, or your boss, or your grandmother. Sexting some LDR from another country is NOT a good idea, and just like we tell people in real life, you don't use sex to make the relationship closer or to get him to love you more, and that counts MUCH MORE in internet relationships.
LDR's have a lot more problems because most of the time, there is no definitive date of when they no longer are LDR. The ones that work are usually people who live locally, but one goes away for a specific period of time, like a 1-year deployment or a 2-year college or exchange. The end date is set in stone. It's the open-ended ones that don't make it, and unless you and he are planning on one of you moving locally, it's best to end this now. If he's asking you for all of this sex stuff, that's a RED FLAG. You don't know the first thing about this! I know someone who used to make up a story for girls, get tons of pictures and sex stuff from them, and then he'd show it off to his buddies and brag about it like some perverse trophy. Did I mention that he was married and his wife was pregnant while he was doing that?
Phone sex is one thing, however, the Jodi Arias trial played a phone sex session where she sounded like a beached seal during her "orgasms", which she recorded in secret. If the relationship is real, it doesn't need the sexting and the dirty pictures and videos and porno-cams.
You've gotta be beyond careful. I mean it. Don't say "well you don't understand how much we trust each other" because those are famous last words I've heard and read way too many times. Find out all you can about this guy, and forego the sex stuff and include more of the real stuff you're going to need to know about him before making the decisions to go normal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): If you have trust and honesty in the relationship that's a good start and only the two of you can make it work. I will
just say there is nothing like being able to touch and hold the person you are with and long distance relationships sometimes do fail. If the two of discuss these things it will make your relationship stronger. Right now you are preparing to be together so enjoy the moments that you have. If you are nervous about him getting bored talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.
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