A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To start, as of now I'm 25 and he's almost 27. So I started seeing this guy back in Jan. 08. After about a month into the relationship I became pregnant. I really didn't know what I thought about him at the time and I certainly wasn't ready to have a child, so I chose to have an abortion (please spare the criticism on this, what's done is done and I'm not proud of it). During that time he was always hot and cold. One week he would be amazing then a complete jerk. I basically became his bootycall. For example he would call me once or twice a week and would want me to "hangout" after he was done having fun with his buddies. I even brought up how I felt and he told me that it wasn't the case. But obviously, I was blind during that time.After about 7 months and being extremely depressed about what had happened, I decided that I needed to get my life back together. So I transferred to a job 4 hours away in a city that I have always loved and met some amazing people. About 5-months after moving I met someone else and dated him for about 5-months.Then out pops the first guy. We had not spoken to each other for 4 months and now it's always, "I miss you." I didn't give into him at first because I had a new life here and a good guy, which I let him know. Well to try and make this long story short, I lost my job and my boyfriend that I thought was so great turned out not to be, and we broke up. Because of the high debt I have accrued, I thought it would be best to move back to where I was with my parents so I can pay off my debt and not have to worry about rent. I have finally told him that I am moving back at the end of this month and he is telling me that he is happy that I am coming back and that things are going to be different, that he wants to show me the real him, that he tried to move on but nobody could make him happy like I did, and that he will give me his all and make me happy.This sounds nice and all, but I'm very scared of all of this. A part of me wants to be with him, but a part of me is extremely cautious. That he will just go back to the way he was and that this is all just a show because he feels lonely and wants me back.So my questions is: can people really change? Have any of you been with someone that did a complete 180 or have you done so yourself, and did it turn out successfully? I just have a feeling this is a too good to be true kind of thing, so I'm having my doubts based on our past. I don't want to get too excited and jump right in, only to get hurt again. I still care deeply for him and would like to have a more "normal" relationship with him, but I know I defintely need to keep my guard up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): What you are describing, selfishness, immaturity (treating you like a booty call) and being a jerk are all character traits of a person.
People are either neurotic or character disordered, we all have faults. Neuroses can be worked on and gotten rid of, character however is unchangeable after about the age of six! So no, he can't change.
You can either accept him as he is and be happy with a self centered jerk, or you can move on and choose better next time, concentrate on correcting your own mistakes and making your life better on your own and achieving some of your goals. Once you are healthier, you will attract a healthier type of man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): People do change but it depends on the person. I change all the time to meet the circumstances I'm in. I'd say about half my personality changes depending on the situation and persists based on the duration of the situation. The change is dependent on what benefits I gain from changing. But for the same token, I think I'm weird and not normal since most people don't do this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): People are who they are. We are changing all the time, it’s inevitable. Will he change? Maybe ...maybe not.
JasonX has a point, you don’t have to rush into anything. Just take it slow. You sound hurt and maybe need to talk about how you are really feeling before you embark on another relationship with him. He treated you badly when you needed his support. It’s possible that he has grown up.
I would start as friends, no hanky panky till you are sure this is what you want. You don’t need to keep you guard up, that’s a recipe for disaster, be honest, talk it’s the only way for the relationship you want. The minute you hide how you feel, that’s when you act strange and he will in turn will too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jason, creamsauce, and Sarcy. No, I'm not saying he's claiming he changed in 4 months...it's been about a year. We talked a little after I left and then not at all for 4 months. Definitely going to take it slow. I already let him know that we need to take it slow and see what happens because I would like to be open and trusting but not willing to end up heartbroken again until he proves himself. I just wonder if someone can really change from being self centered to wanting to share their life with someone without wanting them to be their doormat.
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reader, sarcy24  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 I don't think people can change. I think they may pretend to to get something out of a relationship or to make their life easier but I don't think they change inside. People will say a lot of things but when you are back with them after a few weeks they go back to their old ways. I tried to change myself and be less fiery, more rational and less judgemental but when it really came down to it I couldn't -its just how I am. Tread very carefully and put yourself first. I am sure your ex boyfriend is missing you but if you go back to him you have to accept that how he was before is more than likely to be how it is again and you need to think if you can accept that kind of relationship all over again or not.
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reader, keepitreal03  +, writes (11 July 2009):
Sometimes they do change sometimes they don't. Follow ur gut! Its always right! I think u already know the answer u just don't wanna except it. So whatever u feel go with that. If u feel in ur gut he change then give it another chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Hmm..in all fairness you don't have to jump into anything! I would suggest you just take this slowly and do what you planned to do...and that was to see about yourself and make your life better. Towns change...somethings didn't work out but that doesn't mean you should give up...the secret to a good life isn't that much of a secret...it's obtained with hard work and saving your money.
And about the "change" with him...I don't know if guys can change that fast...I don't know the guy but people do change. But with the way he was before, I'd say four months is too fast. Maybe you should just be friends with this guy...there are after all, other guys out there, no reason why you should go back to this one. And you have enough doubts about this setup...and as EVERYONE says, if it is too good to be true, it usually is. So I don't think I could have said that better myself. I think the part of you that wants him is just listening to empty promises and wishful thinking of something you want...but I don't see what u want in this guy and you haven't said much nice things about him to make me say "ok give it a chance".
The feeling of your gut...you should listen to it. You aren't raising alarm for nothing after all.
Good luck. Hope things work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLazyGuy, maybe you should stick to the question and not pass judgement about what I specifically asked not to make a judgement about. That is not what my question was about and your rude comment isn't appreciated. Thanks!
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reader, creamsauce +, writes (11 July 2009):
People can change. But for how long? I think that's the real question. Maybe you should let him know how you feel, but that you're a bit cautious. That you want to be with him, but you don't want to get hurt. It might keep him on his toes. Ultimately though, he could revert back to the "old him", and you could be stuck in a hot and cold relationship again. The thing is, if he can treat you like that before, then he can certainly treat you the same way again. Then again, it could just be an act, or him saying it and believing he will at the moment... you just need to decide for yourself if he's worth getting hurt again.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Well did you change? You had an abortion and aren't proud of it. So logically, that changed you and you now NEVER take even the smallest change with sex. That means you are on the pill and use a condom.
If you don't, then no, people can't change.
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