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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been in a good relationship for 4 1/2 years and we planned to get engaged very soon, he's already bought the ring.It now comes to light that he is sufferring from depression due to stress and pressures from variuos areas of his life. We have always been the perfect couple that people envy because we have always been so in love. Since he has acknowledged the depression he said "I know it makes me happy being with you but im just so sad now I dont know if its the depression or because I dont love you anymore that I'm sad" this comment is so out of character!After a tough couple of weeks of space he says he still wants to be in this relationship as he is not in the frame of mind to make life changing decisions. He's scared he will realise he's lost the best thing in his life but at the same time cannot give me any guarantees we will still be a couple when he gets through this.I'm prepared to work at our relationship and so is he. I can tell he loves me. Can we get through this?What can we do to build our relationship? through depression comes growth. How can i unintrusively be a part of this growth so that we dont grow apart?
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female
reader, KisstiLuv  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 A female age 26-29, anonymous
You are not alone im in more or les the same situation....i am at my whitts end too and no matter how hard you try it dsont seem to help does it....but i believ e loves a great healer :) x all the best :)
A
female
reader, Shamandalie  +, writes (24 March 2008):
This sounds exactly like my last relationship, but the other way around (I was the one suffering from depression).
I really can't tell what will happen. In my case we grew apart not only for my depression but also for some radical changes in his personality. Eventually he chose his new lifestyle over me and did something which upset me very much and showed me he did not care as before, so we ended up breaking up. We had been a couple for 3.5 years and had been friends for 5 years. If my self esteem was down, now it's completely destroyed. So, I guess that in a case like this a break-up is the worst scenario.
I'm pretty sure that he loves you, but in his state of mind he's somewhat confused. I've been there (still am) and it's really as he describes: you don't feel sure about anything, and you don't want to make a decision you might regret afterwards. You feel uncomfortable and not deserving any love. Is he doing anything about his depression? I thought I could deal with it on my own but it only got worse. Is he getting any help?
Try to stay with him and show him that you care, that you're there for him and that he does deserve your love. Try not to get mad if he's being a little gloomy and try to do something you know he enjoys.
I hope things turn well for the both of you :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): thank you so much for sharing your familys experience. it helps so much, nd makes me stronger, to know that others have faced the same things
xxx
from original question writer
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Hello love, firstly I just want to say that you can get through this, you just have to be strong. Is he seeing a psychologist? This is very important for him to get on the way to recovery. My dad has suffered from depression for about 6 years now (don't panic, depression doesn't last the same amount of time for everyone) and I have watched my mum stand by him the whole way through. I won't lie, she has suffered while standing by him but she has stood by him, been there for him and supported him every step of the way. Even though they argue and he says horrible things sometimes, they both know its because he is ill and when it comes down to it they both love and need each other and this is why they are still together. One thing you need to understand (even though it can be really difficult at times) is that often when a person with depression says negative things it is the illness speaking, not them. They tend to push away those who are closest to them which is why you need to remember to stay strong. My dad has told my brother and I that he would rather just go into the woods and hang himself than carry on with the life he has, he's told us that he wishes he never had us, having kids was the biggest mistake he ever made and various other things. But you have to trust me hun, it's not them saying it. They don't mean it. Alot of the time you just have to ride out the storm (depression causes lots of mood swings, ups and downs) and be there for him, sometimes you can speak out, my mum has been to the point where she had to write my dad a letter telling him how she felt that she wouldn't be able to stay with him if he didn't try a little harder to get better. This sounds harsh but depression can also be a very self-absorbing illness and it is easy for the sufferer to become ignorant of what he or she is doing to those around him or her and the effect that it has. A good way to keep your relationship close is communication. Even though sometimes it will feel like he's not the same man and communication seems impossible you need to keep talking, I can't express how hugely important communication is. Finally, to be there for him you need to tell him you support him now matter how difficult it gets, you love him more than anything and you will stand by him all the way through his illness. However, you need to be VERY careful not to put any pressure on him or stress him out (by avoiding arguements and such) but also let him know when it gets tough for you as well.
I'm sorry this post may seem confusing, if it doesnt make sense, let me know and feel free to chat anytime. We are all here for you.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): he talks to me as if we're going to break up. im trying not to take things personally and to avoid negative thoughts.
he says, "i was trying not to hold your hand as i didnt want to get your hopes up" but then he did hold my hand and rested his head on mine. and cuddled me.
he says that he hasnt enjoyed being with me that much for a year and a half.
for about that amount of time ive been getting my own way a lot. he has essentia;;y done things that he actually wasnt happy doing. he has low self esteem.
i told him that i know ive gotten my way recently and i want to work on this and be a better person. he says its not a matter of working on it, its whether or not he still loves me or not, i feel so helpless...
from the writer of this question
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Hi Hunny
How very sad for you, But Im sure its the depression that is making him feel this way, Im going to send you a few links to help you.....And if you love each other hunny you can beat this together, but remember to also take care of you...
http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/
http://depression.about.com/cs/basicfacts/a/howtohelp.htm
Im popping in a link for your self esteem hunny just incase you need a boost as this can and may make you feel helpless at times...
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
I do hope things get better for you sweetheart good luck WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): thank you so much for your encouragement!
i dont want to desert him, quite the opposite.
i know this would bring us closer together. last night we watched a movie and he held my hand for the first time in 3 weeks! my heart was racing. i was as giddy as when we first got together.
he is wanting a lot of space from the whole world but this is improving now.
i know that i want to stick it out im just so scared that after putting myself through this he might not want to be together.
also there are logistical things such as we were supposed to move in together this summer before i start a post grad. he said when i applied that he would finanacially support me for those 2 years. i want to do the course so much but i dont thing logistically i could do it without him.
anyone have any further advice. particularly some ideas of how i can build a relationship and love between us.
from the writer of the article
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Yes, you can get through this.
As he's got depression, this is the point in his life that he needs you the most, and you've got to help him through this tough time.
Honey, keep working at it. When it passes, he will love you even more for it. It'll be hard at times, no doubt, but it sounds like he needs you so much right now. You can't desert him in his time of need.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, laurna +, writes (24 March 2008):
depression is a nasey thing. your a human being both of u are and one thing that humans to best is love. let him no no matter how rough things get ull be there. what u need now is a sturdy foundation it will take time but patience is a virtue. talk to him and find out where in his life he is unhappy make small reachable goals give him somthin to look forward to.
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