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female
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anonymous
writes: HELP!!!...boyf has low/erratic sex drive. I am a female in my mid 20’s. My boyfriend is in his late 30’s. He is the most wonderful man I have met. He has had A LOT of problems in his life, I can’t even begin to explain them all, but he is a nice decent guy. I have had problems with trust in the past, but not with him. He is just loyal, kind and caring. He is very affectionate, if we are sitting on the chair watching tv he will be stroking my hair, etc. The problem is that his sex drive is variable, generally just really low. He can go for weeks without sex. Admittedly sometimes his sex drive jumps up again and we do it 3 or 4 times a week, but mostly he is happy to go 2-4 weeks with no sex at all. I am generally considered an attractive person, people often tell me I am sexy, even complete strangers. All my exes have enjoyed sex with me and had higher sex drives than me. I make a real effort with my boyfriend in that I wear nice lingerie, make up/hairstyles he has said he likes, jewellery, and clothes he likes. The thing is we might not have seen each other all week, and he still will not touch me (sexually)when we meet up. Meanwhile I just feel ugly, neglected and sexually starved. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I should be having sex every time we meet because that is what I desire, and that has how it has been in past relationships. I’d even be happy with doing it every other time we meet. With past partners other things were missing in the relationships, sex was normal/good but other things not right. With my boyf, he is adorable, he just has a cute face, a cute shy smile, he is soft and generous, he will pick me up and take me to places and encourage me to do things that are good for me. He is intelligent and teaches me things and does cute things like sending me a good luck when I have a little exam, even though he has seen me the day he sent it (he sends the card so that I get it in the post as a surprise). He has a cat and treats the cat nicely too, he is just a sweet lovely guy who has had a hard time. My boyfriend gets stressed really easily, he is having counselling to resolve a lot of problems in his past such as dealing with family lies that have been revealed in the last few years. I love him a lot, more than I’ve loved anyone. We’ve/he’s been through a lot. We recently found out that he has a 7% sperm morphology rate which means he is almost infertile. But how can I go weeks at a time with him not touching me? What happens to my sex drive and urges? I am trying not to be selfish, but do I sacrifice my sex drive for his? Or do I give up a man I love more than anything, who I love so much it makes me cry because we so rarely have sex and it makes me feel untouchable and undesirable. Is it stupid to want a lot of sex when I feel so sexual and like it and am used to it? I love dressing up, love looking sexy, but only occasionally does he respond. We have talked about it. He says that 1) he has a lot of issues in his head 2) this would happen no matter who he was in a relationship with. He finds it hard to go from doing mundane relationship things like shopping to having sex 3) when we do have sex it is often the same 4) that he does find me very attractive but he doesn’t feel a huge electric spark that does things to him (my exes would get a hard on if I touched their groin area). He says he will never love anyone as much as he loves me and will be heartbroken if we split. I will be heart broken too, but don’t know what to do. Help!
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heartbroken, my ex, sex drive, shy, spark, sperm Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Highland Help +, writes (17 April 2006):
 Sounds like you have a good man and a good realtionship and I do not believe that is worth losing because he is not a rampant stallion 24hrs a day. I would stick with it and try and be affectionate as often as you can and you are feeling frustrated all the time you can do something about that yourself surely without having to find a new relationship.
A
reader, jo_betty_smith  +, writes (14 April 2006):
 Sometimes if we feel like there's a chance we can do something to change a situation, it bothers us and tortures us more than if we just accept things how they are. Sometimes it's better to just adapt rather than spend any time wondering what you can do.
It also seems like you've got quite hung up about whether this is down to how attractive you are in his eyes and you need to get past this because it’s going to really wear you down and leave you with insecurities if you start convincing yourself that this is the cause. You've found yourself a wonderful man who loves you and thinks the world of you - you've got no reason to feel insecure about yourself. If he's had a lot of difficulties in his life, he might be plagued with self-doubt and that can sometimes affect sex-life in the sense that it could be one of the areas he feels insecure about. I think there are other issues at work, so don’t waste your time worrying about whether this means anything in terms of your attractiveness!
Spending lots of time being affectionate with each other – just holding hands and cuddling up together – will help you both feel more secure. Sometimes it can lead on to sex, other times not, but just go with the flow and don’t worry about it. As long as he is always willing to express affection towards you, then you don’t have anything to worry about. The cute little things he does for you that you described prove that he’s always thinking of you and really cares for you, and you’re lucky to have found that in someone.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (14 April 2006):
 No one has the same sex drive and none of us are perfect. Whether we are never content or have a low sex drive, we each have flaws.
Every flaw is a pro or a con and if you can only see it as a con, then you can encourage a change or leave.
If you can't accept it then you need to talk to him about going again to the doctor and seeing if maybe a little blue pill will give you what you want.
If that still doesn't work and you really can't accept this guy for this one thing, then leave. BUT when you're dating some other guy who breaks your heart because of his huge sex drive, just remember the odds of a man cheating with a small sex drive (next to nil). Some other woman will understand the pro side to that 'flaw' and will thank her lucky stars to find that one in a million kind of guy.
It is your choice how you see your guy, it is your choice to find fault in him, it is your choice to make him feel bad about this and it is your choice to leave. You can't change others but you can change yourself.
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