A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:My girlfriend of little over two years how now decided that she wants us to be celibate until marriage.She is a Christian and recently has taken active steps to get closer to God. I am an agnostic. I am doing my utmost to support her in her beliefs, but this now feels like a step too far. Until now her search for God has had little affect on my life. She will occasionally watch Christian concerts or watch preachers on our television, and I have been fine with it. I have accompanied her to church every time she has wanted to attend and I have remained supportive. This now could potentially affect us in a big way. Since she brought it up I'm aware that I am completely different around her. Away from her this issue is consuming my thoughts. I am finding it hard to concentrate on my work.It isn't the lack of sex that is doing this, it's the fear that this may spell the end of our relationship. I don't plan to marry her for a few years yet, and the idea of going without sex that long to me sounds, frankly, demented. But what is the alternative? She hasn't offered a compromise, and I've asked for one. Is she being unreasonable or am I missing something?Is her sudden vow of celibacy going to kill our relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): Don't think you and her are compatible anymore. Religion is a big deal and sometimes makes people do crazy things. Sex is important in a relationship. I would break up. She's not having sex anymore. Ok so what are you supposed to do. Seems selfish to me. Life is too short.
Let her be celibate by herself.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 December 2015):
 Spiritual beliefs play a fundamental part of a marriage. To someone who has "rededicated" her life back to God, one of the main tenets is living a chaste life. It wasn't too long ago that there were many more people who saved themselves until marriage, and as a result, engagements were much shorter than they are now, when living together and a "sexual" beginning were unheard of.
I asked about your compromise to see whether or not I could determine whether her chastity thing was just an excuse, because most of the time, in the church, many couples adopt the "everything but" compromise, meaning they do everything but penis-in-vagina intercourse. You see a lot of heavy petting or mutual masturbation, and oral sex believing they aren't crossing the line. Since your compromise was occasional sex, I couldn't determine whether she was doing a blow-off of you, because in a rededicated Christian lifestyle, God leaves no room for occasional sex compromise, while the "everthing but" does approach a gray area I've seen.
I think ultimately, if you are set on what you believe and she is set, your relationship may not survive it. She's still with you because the Bible talks about winning your partner over to God, so she may be holding out on that. If your agnosticism is set in stone, which yes, I know that agnostic means you're not sure about God's existence, then you may want to let her go sooner rather than later.
You may get an "everthing but" compromise. Whether you can live with it or not is up to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2015):
 well yeah if it's not just about sex and you don't follow the same religion or you don't believe with the same zeal then yes you should end it now.
i think that "no sex" is just one aspect of this new found religious zeal... what else is involved?
for some it would be food habits (eating kosher)
for others tithing 10%
for others church 3 times a week
for others once married no birth control
for others it would mean being sabbath observant.
do you want religion in your life
do you want to raise your children religiously?
if no... time to walk away....
of course this may be a phase she is going through experimenting with things to find peace in her life.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 December 2015):
Marry sooner? I believe he should be rethinking marrying her at all. Under no circumstances should he rush into marriage so he can get laid.
There is a possible major incompatibility issue arising here- that of religion. Her views are becoming more extreme and may continue to do so. She may begin insisting he convert.
That would be a dealbreaker for me personally. There is no way I could spend my life with someone who is very religious. He needs to know what her expectations will be if they do marry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2015):
 I do think you have case for concern as well. There might be more to this than religion. In the two years you have been together has she been enthusiastic about sex or has she been less of a fan of sex and more of a fan of cuddles, kisses etc.?
I don't think it's fair that she now expects yo to stick to the plan (marriage in 2-3 years) but now you get no sex till the ring is on her finger. And then what? What if she is actually content with little to no sex? Well, then you will be married and either have to suck it up or.... go through a divorce.
I think she CAN choose to want to be celibate, but you can ALSO choose that you don't want that, so the relationship ends.
It's up to you how much emphasis you put on sex in a relationship, but I don't think either of you can DICTATE a set of rules that you think both of you should adhere to. Either you both agree or... you walk away.
I get that some people don't believe in sex before marriage, and that is fine, but changing the rules in the middle of the it? Not fine with me.
Personally, it would be a deal-breaker for me. You have to figure out if it is for you or not.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (2 December 2015):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't see why we should have to marry sooner. I don't think this situation should change that. We have a 5 year plan in place and we will ideally be married in 3 years time, though we are not even engaged at this point. Furthermore, she insists that this is not an attempt to hold me at ransom or to convert me to her religion.
I'm unsettled by this though. It came right out of the blue, and now I'm left wondering whether - if I have a life with her, is this what it's going to be like? New changes to our lives are just going to be instilled on me, even if it isn't mutual. What could it be like when we have children? Maybe I am worrying too much, but I think I have a cause for concern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): yes its gonna totally change everything. bizarrely its like playing a game of football and twenty minutes in being told its now basketball.she has deviated off course and is busy calling the shots.you should cut loose right now because she should never have had sex for the white wedding scenario and the whole build up would be a romantic and energising step towards marriage rather than this sudden backpeddling.god has nothing against sex as far as i am aware.his son was born outside of marriage .the prostitute mary magdalena got a quicker hold of what jesus was saying than her cleaning cousin.society and churches developed the rules after they did away with Gods son, so i dont know if God is really into all the social etiquette of relationships.if society had lightened up a bit maybe there wouldve been no need for allthe future troubles.but on a personal level i think the change is belated and unwarrented so i would be inclined to think that she needs a church buddy and you need a freer spirit.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2015):
your compromise won't work. Celibacy is an all or nothing thing.
now asking if there will be necking or petting is different than asking for occasional sex.
is theree a reason you can't marry sooner?
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (2 December 2015):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI simply asked if we could have sex occasionally, as opposed to regularly. I wasn't specific, my hope was that we could negotiate, but that didn't materialise.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2015):
Before I answer your question, can you spell out your compromise in detail?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (2 December 2015):
Your belief in agnosticism is just as valid as her belief in religion. You've been very accommodating by supporting her beliefs up to this point and she should in turn be accommodating to you. This isn't a one-way street.
Relationships always require compromise but this is an awfully big one. You say it "could potentially affect" your relationship in a big way. It already has and will likely get only worse from here. It sounds like you are still having sex although she is probably resenting it. If you aren't having sex, then you will have a growing resentment. I don't see a good future for you as a couple.
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