A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my wife married for 10 years, have two kids. Latelly we have observed that our 5 years old daughter have some socilal adoptive problem. She doesn't follow social rules. She doesn't like to play with kids, doesn't follow the reules in class. But she is doing well acadamically. She doesn't like group work. She talks only she wants, dosen't focus on something for long time. Now the problem is me and my wife have quite different perspective of her situation. She believes she is totally retarded but I say she is not entirely intelectually disabled as her mind functions very well and she have only social adoptive problem. I believe this can be improved through time and proper follow ups. Doctors have also seen her and they say it will improve through time but needs special attention. I argue that it was caused by the dpression my wife was in during the pregnancy and the way we braught her up for thr years. She had almost no social contacts untill she was three plus she lives with her grandmother after 3 years old.This situation is depressing my wife and we argue over othe very simple and stupid things. I'm wondering now if the kid's situation is the real cause as she is happy when she is with her friends or other people and turned off when she is with me. Even she doesn't want me to touch her when we sleep. Our sex life is dying. I'm really confused. Please tell me what can I do. Thank you
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 You can't blame this on your wife's depression during pregnancy. There is so far no evidence of it, and if you want to throw around accusations you could throw them in any direction, even down to whatever you yourself ate the day before conceiving your daughter.
I think these accusations greatly hurt your wife. And I do imagine the situation (problem child, husband accusing, history of depression) will knock her down. She needs your support. At the moment it appears you are blaming her for everything.
I also strongly disagree with your suspicions. Millions of socially inapt children don't have the same history/living situation as your daughter, which only means one thing: it is not dependent on that specific situation. So you need to stop blaming the situation, and also need to stop looking so hard into the causes, and look more at what the situation is right here and now, and how to deal with it.
If you don't believe me I can tell you that I was quite similar to your little daughter when I was her age (from earliest childhood and to about 14 years old), and I was not raised at home with no social contact. I was in kinder garden, we had neighborhood kids around in the street, I had a little brother 2 and a half years younger... And then there are so many children who grow up like your daughter did, without much social contact, who turn out to have no problems socializing at all.
Have you read up about psychology and how children develop mentally? Maybe that would be where you should look for clues. You can also search your family history, whether it is genetic or circumstantial, mental health is family related. It can be inherited.
Your daughter may also have experienced some unpleasantness and withdrawn, simple as that. Maybe a horrible fight between you and the mother, maybe an accident, even little things you barely even notice. I bet no one will ever know. I have no clue why I was the way I was, I have my suspicions, but there is no way to find out. But I can tell you that I turned out fine at the end of it. Many children grow out of this. So don't take any sorrows in advance.
Focus on supporting your wife now and working on your marriage, and deal with the daughter as you can, without wandering off in speculations.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): When you say your daughter had no social contacts until she was three do you mean that she didnt meet any other children or just people in general? I think your wife could be depressed due to your daughters socially awkward tendencies and that would effect your sex life. I would reccomend therapy and even marriage counceling. As far as your daughter is concerned why dont you take her out to public places like the park where she could meet other children? Or have your friends/ family bring their kids over. Sending her to a day care center for a few hrs once or twice a wk could benefit her as well. She will learn social skills from other children. I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 You all need professional help. Go and see your family doctor, he/she will be able to refer you on to suitable counselling. You can't help your wife, except in being supportive. Your daughter will benefit, from her parents getting the help that they so desperately need at the moment. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Star xxx  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 That was like reading about my son.
Me and my husband have two children and they are very different, my son is 14 years old and has been very much the same all his life and we spent alot of time during his younger years seeing different specialists as we thought that they maybe something wrong with him, none of the tests or phychologists could come back with anything conclusive.
We have come to realise that is just the way he is and we have adjusted life accordingly.
We have spoken to class teachers and decided that it is better for him to work on his own as he struggles working in groups also,his work has picked up alot.
He does not have many friends but he is happy with that and he enjoys his own company, some people are just built that way and should not be forced into anything they dont want.
She is still very young and is learning the way of life i think that all she needs is 100% support of both of her parents and be allowed to develop in her own way, seeing different people all the time might put a whole lot of pressure and stress on her as she will feel she is different and that will cause more problems.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Hi,
Yes, the stress can cause your wife to distance herself from you.
Happened to me few years ago, when I lost my job, so I was very stress financially, even though my partner had a good job and was able to provide for both of us. We never had money problems, but I was just feeling depress, useless, didn't feel good about myself, didn't have confidence, etc..
I was normal with other people, but I was cold, at times rude to my partner. Honestly, not that I didn't love him or respect him, but because I felt comfortable enough to let my anger and frustrations on him. I couldn't do that to other people, right? It wouldn't make sense and people will only think I was crazy
Anyways, I am sorry that things are not as wonderful as you hope to be, but you daughther needs your help and your wife need your support and understanding.
Hopefully, continue seeking for professional help and by the grace of God, she will be a healthy, happy, normal child, and also an amzing adult.
Be patience, be supportive, be positive and strong for your wife. When you have opportunities, always be kind, caring, show affection and love as much as you can and hopefully she'll come your way.
Good luck!
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