A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of a relationship question, about family relationships.Basically i have a difficult family situation. I feel like I have to help, because there are a lot of emotional struggles going on, but I am extremely drained. I love my family but I feel damaged by talking to them or spending time with them. I need help understanding what's going on and how to feel ok so here goes.First my grandmother is in a position where she needs care full time. She has a lot of money and a house but does not want to pay for care. She expected my mum to care for her and live with her, but refused to give mum any money if she did this. That would mean my mum selling her house and giving up her life to live with her. My mum has now decided she won't do this. That means my granny will have to spend all of her savings and sell her house. The family is struggling to help her understand this, that care is not cheap, and this is very stressful. Gran has a lot of money but she has refused to downsize her house over the years and now it has come to her being forced to do this.My mum has been talking to me about this a lot and offloading and i have been trying my best to understand and help find a solution so that everyone is happy, but it now seems that Gran will have to spend all her savings and there will be no inheritance left for the family. I feel very drained from this whole drama. I visit the family because I love them but I always feel emotionally sick afterwards. I know mum doesn't get on with Gran and that makes her stressed, but I notice that my mum is always offloading her problems onto me and doesn't really seem to care about my life. She seems to have an opinion of who I am but doesn't actually ever really ask about me or really achknowledge what i say when I try to open up about myself, my feelings or my life. I am only praised or acknowledged when i have achieved something. I mean this my whole life, not just now, although I am noticing this now. When i am with my mum I feel like I don't matter I am just their to support her. I feel very selfish for thinking this when obviously things are hard now with Gran. Like when we are talking about her problems or people in her life who she is angry or unhappy with we can talk and talk, but if I just try to hang out with her as mother and daughter, she loses interest. Like she'll play on her phone or talk about something else in her life. She doesn't seem interested in me when I express myself or my feelings or something I'm interested in, but only other people, like my friends and what jobs they do etc. It's like I'm not important. I feel silly thinking about this, but I feel that this is a pattern in our relationship and I feel it may have affected who I am as a person. I am very shy and have low self esteem and have been working on this over the years. But when i spend time with my mum i go into my shell again and feel bad and drained, its hard to explain. It's like she sucks my energy away. I appreciate now that she needs support because of my Gran, but in the past its been like this. She's my mum and always will be. But I feel like she's not really a mum, as in, I can't talk to her about myself. She also left when I was a teenager and I lived with my dad who was and still is very distant with me. So I think I was on my own emotionally from that age. My parents were in my life, but I couldn't talk to them. My dad is very much in his own world in that you just cant talk to him about anything emotional at all, or anything at all. I have tried to talk to him about career choices and general future plans and he listens but doesn't respond. When I lived with him, at times literally all he would say to me every day was "put that in the dishwasher" after I had eaten my dinner. I think he has Aspergers or something. And my mum is wrapped up in her own problems and will talk to me but only about herself, or very briefly about me, like she will validate a career choice. But I get the impression she thinks I'm "odd". She worships my brother because he is very intelligent. I know I am intelligent too, ish, I got a degree so I must be somewhat capable and intelligent. I just have chronic self doubt, low self esteem, shyness and general feelings of worthlessness and inferiority to other people. I have improved a lot over the years and I'm starting to love myself, and life and to see the possibilities. I know my upbringing was miles better than many people. I just wonder if my parents could have impacted my personality and that these feelings of worthlessness are not because I am just worthless, but because I was not recognized and validated enough as a child and teenager? I guess I need some validation or for someone to tell me what they think of my family situation, if anyone has had a similar experience and how they have coped?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say thank you to you both for your responses. I've been going through some family issues recently which had brought childhood feelings and reactions to my consciousness. It' useful to remember we are all human and all had parents, even our parents and their parents. So we all carry hurt and all have had to learn how to survive growing up with our parents and their own psyches and problems. As an adult, we carry these learnt patterns of behaviour on and some of them we learn to be damaging to our adult lives and adult relationships and we wonder where these problems stemmed from. Logically we look at our upbringings and past experiences and find that it is learnt behaviour due to how we have been treated or due to our reactions to the personalities we have been around most. But blaming these people won't help to change and move forward. These people are also humans with their own problems to deal with. They did what they felt what was the best, or what they learnt to be their idea of the right thing to do reguards bringing up children. As an adult we need to forgive them for the things they gave to you which you now know to be damaging or not useful. Mentally give these issues back and say, this is from you, not me. I don't believe this or need this in my life or as part of who I am. Even if you cannot forgive them and play happy families, you can move on and heal yourself. Understand that most parents would not have intentionally damaged you or stunted your growth and self love. If something they did or how they related to you was damaging, this was most probably a continuation of how they were treated or a reaction to how they were treated, and ultimatly the best they could do being the unique human they were. But we can change now, if we want to. We deserve to live life happy and reach our full potential, whatever that is, without any hinderances from our past. I know that this is quite idealistic, but if we soot for the stars, we could at least reach the moon.
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Hey, I totally identify with you and yes I do believe your issues are due to how you were brought up. It's all very Freudian but I believe everything that happens as a child impacts on us as adults. My Mother is a crazy Irish lady who panics at everything, is scared of thunder, birds, dogs, cats you name it and she exhibited these fears to us as children. Whilst I don't have these hang ups about lightning, dogs, cats, etc, what I do have is an anxiety dis-order which I believe was created in my childhood. My response to some things now is to panic and get stressed, which is an enactment of my childhood. My Father, who is nearly 80 now, always put me down as a child. If I wanted to discuss something I'd read in the paper, he would tell me my views were ridiculous or silly. What I have learnt as I've gotten older, is that my Father is not terribly bright, having left school at around 13. So I guess berating me made him feel better. He still does this now, but to a lesser degree. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010, and still my parents weren't really there for me. I remember one day they came to visit - Dad popped in really quickly whilst Mum waited in the car. I had counselling during cancer treatment, and the counsellor hit on the fact that I was a bright young child, who was not really nourished during my upbringing. Therefore I am not really confident either. However, as with all counselling, you can talk about it till the cows come home, but I still can't change my knee jerk reactions to things. I liken it to a feral cat: if you get the kitten early, then it can grow up to be a normal loving cat. Leave it past 10 weeks, then there is no going back - it will always remain feral. Perhaps CBT might be a good start, I haven't tried this. It is such a shame because I see confident people everyday, and can only assume their parents lavished them with confidence and love. But, most people have hang-ups of some sort and you are now aware of your reactions. Just be mindful of the present and understand that you have other good qualities. We can't change the past but we can hopefully shape our future. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Hi Hunny
First let me say Im working from my phone so I Apologise if the odd mistake is made....
I understand how you feel, my mum is older now and I have been taking care of my dads needs for over a year. I used to care for the elderly before so when my dad got ill and needed care it was either have him go into a home or take out a carers allowance and help him....My mum has recently had a knee replacement and I looked after her when she came out of hospital....
My mum has never listened to me ever, I used to get really upset but have learnt over the years to just try and relax, When I had to care for her she was quite nasty at times and made life extremely Difficult for me....I ended up after 3 months of looking after her in hospital suffering stress related problems due to the worry, My dad has cancer and he is a diamond I have no problems with his care, Other than he is stubborn :-)
My mum has always liked to brush problems under the carpet unless they affect her and then something has to be done straight away...I do believe she has a personality disorder, The doctor has mentioned this to me but you can't help someone if they refuse it.....You can only do your best, And doing your best is being there as you have been but also taking care of you, This is very important. You can only help people who want to be helped.
Please don't feel you are not good enough as this is not true and you will just beat yourself up everyday because of other peoples behaviour. You can love and care for your family but you are not in control of how they think or behave and you sound like you have wonderful quallitys its just a shame that they go unnoticed.
When our parents and grand parents get older sometimes familys fall out over silly things like money I.E Inheritance issues....This is something that I never think about, Im not interested...But for some its the be and end of everything causing alot of problems that really matter not, Family is whats important not money....You are a kind caring person that is concerned for her family the fact that they can't see this doesn't make It not true....So hold your head up high your doing you best and that is all you can do.....Always remember you are special im sure plenty of people see this, Don't be to tough on yourself I know its hard hunny but trust me mum may not show it but she needs you and loves you. I hope this has helped a little and above all made sense...Take care of you
, Lots of love n hugs XXXX
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (29 June 2012):
Hi Hunny
First let me say Im working from my phone so I Apologise if the odd mistake is made....
I understand how you feel, my mum is older now and I actually take care of my dads needs for over a year now. I used to care for the elderly before so when my dad got ill and needed care it was either have him go into a home or take out a carers allowance and help him....My mum has recently had a knee replacement and I looked after her when she came out of hospital....
My mum has never listened to me ever, I used to get really upset but have learnt over the years to just try and relax, When I had to care for her she was quite nasty at times and made life extremely Difficult for me....I ended up after 3 months in hospital suffering stress related problems due to the worry, My dad has cancer and he is a diamond I have no problems with his care, Other than stubborn :-)
My mum has always liked to brush problems under the carpet unless they affect her and then something has to be done straight away...I do believe she has a personality disorder, The doctor has mentioned this to me but you can't help someone if they refuse it.....You can only do your best, And doing your best is being there as you have been but also taking care of you, This is very important. You can only help people who want to be helped.
Please don't feel you are not good enough as this is not true and you will just beat yourself up everyday because of other peoples behaviour. You can love and care for your family but you are not in control of how they think or behave and you sound like you have wonderful quallitys its just a shame that they go unnoticed.
When our parents and grand parents get older sometimes familys fall out over silly things like money I.E Inheritance issues....This is something that I never think about, Im not interested...But for some its the be and end of everything causing alot of problems that really matter not, Family is whats important
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