A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible for a person to change there controlling ways?Been together with my boyfriend for 4 years and he is everything I could wish for but the last 6 months he's become very controlling.I have started a new job which is very physical and I've lost a lot of weight (from size 16 to size 10) where as he is still a bit on the larger side but I love his cuddly physique and wouldn't want him any other way. I don't know if this is the reason for his sudden behaviour change?anyway he never used to go through my phone or mind when I go and see friends but recently he has started wanting to see every text I receive and causes a row over nothing when I have made plans to go and see friendsI really don't want to break up with him, he's my whole world and an brilliant partner but neither do I want do be controlled. I've tried talking to him about it but he says it's just because he's worried that I'll find someone else, I don't want anyone else and have made this clear! I want to spend my life with him but not the way he's currently being
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 The short answer is 'yes' but ONLY if you change how you deal with it.
Understand that your recent weight loss has merely triggered insecurities and possessive, controlling tendencies that were always there. It's not just that you are now more attractive to other men, but that the changes on the outside often herald other significant changes on the inside.
He is NOT afraid that you will leave him. If he were he would be far better behaved. He would bend over backward to keep you happy, as he did when you two were first dating.
He is afraid that he no longer has the security and the influence over you he once had. It's not just about looking better. Losing that much weight is a big accomplishment and that success has given you a confidence you didn't have before. Being more confident allows you to barter a better deal in this relationship.
Your first instinct is to comfort and reassure him, but I can tell you this is the LAST thing you should do. It will make things considerably worse for both of you.
What do we do when someone we care about is wounded? We go the extra mile to help them feel better. And as you're seeing for yourself, your boyfriend has very quickly become very comfortable with you going that extra mile for him. Your reassurances encourage him to believe he has indeed been wronged and that you should be making it up to him.
Instead of investing the time and effort to become a better, happier and more confident man, he is relying on you to restrict your freedom, give up your personal space and give him a wider latitude than you should. He;s using you as his crutch and the weight (pardon the pun) will take its toll on you and before long you'll begin to hate the sight of him.
The best way to deal with 'trust issues' and 'insecurities' is to treat them as though they don't exist. Hold him to the same standards of behaviour you hold yourself and everyone else to. Don't try to fix him, but set boundaries and limits for yourself. Decide that the quality of your life will not be compromised because of his fears and if he wants to continue to enjoy your company, he'll have to smarten up. And fast. Believe me, OP, this is the kindest thing you can do for him.
Think 'happy steamroller'. Be the best person you can be and expect the same of him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 I think you need to be very clear about how he needs to STOP.
He may not want to own up to WHY he is feeling this way, but I agree Caring Aunty A, he feels threatened. Fist you lose weight, what's next? You want to lose him too?
Maybe you need to explain it again. IF he DOESN'T STOP the chances of you LEAVING is BIGGER. And if you LEAVE you will EVENTUALLY find someone else.
IT IS NOT OK for him to behave this way.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 IF he has never been controlling before, then I would safely say it has a lot to do with you looking fabulous from a size 16 to a size 10 and him feeling insecure about himself! He has not grasped the fact that your weight has changed due to starting a new job that is very physical and not for any other reason or motive.
Now because you’re weight has changed and he’s remained the same, evidently he’s afraid and started to think irrationally and suspiciously with or without justification... Your wardrobe has changed; you’ll find someone else or you may have another man on the side. All of which is not true because you love his cuddly physique, wouldn’t want him any other way and made it clear you want to be with him.
Regardless of truth, this change still threatens him; he’s no longer feeling secure about himself. He’s fearful of losing control – loosing you. This of course worries him and makes his behaviour what it is today; he seeks to reassure his ego through inappropriate controlling means of going through your phone etc what you still love him in spite of his cuddly physique – size. Meanwhile it’s not reassuring anyone, it’s inappropriate and causing a rift between you
Had you lost weight for health reasons alone, it still would not be an excuse for him to go through your phone etc. He too could be somewhat jealous of you achieving a size 10 figure... Nonetheless he must control, resolve and own his insecurities, too do something about them in a more practical manner than to be preoccupied in checking up on you!
Tell him to go for a walk, cut out those cheese and crackers, lay the law down about the phone and get him comprehend the facts, for if he continues in this manner, there will be sad consequences of you two parting ways.
Take Care – CAA
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