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male
age
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anonymous
writes:I am a 49 year old MM and fell for an attractive 47 year old divorcee, after having a bad spell in our long 20 year marriage. We shared an intense relationship for a few months as "soul mates". I called it off when I realised I would not leave my home and teenage children for her, and we didn't want to string each other along, but I now struggle to make my marriage work, and can't get the "other woman" out of my mind. My wife knows about the affair, and is obviously very hurt. Has anyone out there come through this situation? Do you end up with the mistress and lover, or patch up a marriage and live in a compromised state? Thanks for any stories..
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): My husband and I have been married for 3 years.Over a year ago he cheated on me with my best friend in the world.Yes it hurt really really bad and we did seperate because of it,but shortly after we both realized that we not only wanted it to work we needed to for the sake of our daughter.And we did.Things have been hard because of the trust issue now but we love each other so much and we have such a strong marrage that i just cant see myself without him in my life.And i thank god every day for keeping us going and still til this day we are still madly in love and wouldnt change it for the world....
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female
reader, BLACKHORSE +, writes (15 May 2009):
You can keep trying at your marriage, or face facts you are in love/lust with this other woman. Your kids are up, you only live once, here is your key to happiness, but think about this, when you go, how you going to feel when your loyal wife meets someone new?
How does it make you feel? Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it is gone!!!!
I understand completely at this very moment I am thinking of someone else, its something that doesn't leave you, because the time spent with them is special, why because you are not meant to have it, and as humans, we want what we can't have. I wish you the best of luck either way, and sympathize with you because unless you have been in a situation like ours you can't pass judgement. Torn between two worlds is the most difficult test of character you can have.
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female
reader, CHASINGCARS +, writes (14 August 2008):
I am "the other woman" - I made a terrible decision when I started seeing someone who was married and worse still we totally fell in love. He left her for short periods 4 times but she said she would make it her life mission that he would be outcast and never see his kids again. Her Dad had had an affair when she was younger and the family all refused to see him ever again. I fully expect all you betrayed parties to say that that is what he deserves and me being in pain thinking about him is what I deserve. But what you all cannot control is that because it was more than physical - we truly had loads in common and were "soulmates" it wasn't just sex - it will never go away and part of us will love each other til we die.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): the woman cant be a very nice person if she knew you were married in the first place,she should look for a single man not sombody elses,shes a home wrecker,and so will you be if you throw 20 years away over a blip in your marriage,it takes two to make a good marriage so go for it,you should try and make it work you can do it it just takes time.its very rare people who have affairs stay together very rare good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I think you should talk a lot and realise that you cannot have a future with the other woman because there will be no trust, it won't work. Try to sort it out think of your kids and how it will affect them, the grass is never greener it's full of nettles and you will get stung.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hi ia m at the same end as your wife. My husband left me 4 years ago and decided that he wanted a new lufe. he left me and 3 children. ! year later he asked to come back home but then I found out about other women in his life during our marraige and told him to get on with his life. You need to work out why you want someone else and what is wrong in your relationship and try and fix otherwise guilt wil get the better of you. If you truly belive your wife is not for you then get on with your life and do not attempt to get your wife back. My ex found someone new when he decided to get on with his life but constantly texts and rings me because he says he can't get over me. this has stopped me getting on with my life because I never wabted my marriage to be over. You have to be sure if not fix the problem and don't hurt your partner. YOU SHOULD NEVER END A RELATIONSHIP FOR SOMEONE ELSE. if your relationship is over with your current patner then end it and then get on with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): As a woman who has been hurt in the past, not through being cheated on but through being lied to on several occasions, i think that to solve any underlying problems either from the past or problems developing in the present, honesty, openness and communication is the key, if not, the start to generating a successful relationship. If your wife has decided to take you back then she cannot expect you to suffer otherwise you will feel pushed away and possibly liable to do it again. In taking you back, she must learn to put the past behind her and move on if she wants the relationship to work again. If, however, your heart does belong to this other woman then it would not be fair on either the children or your wife to go back to them just for the sake of the marriage. Follow your heart but learn from your mistakes whether you return to your family or start an official relationship with your lover.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): "I called it off when I realised I would not leave my home and teenage children for her"
I think that this sentence says it all. You don't want to lose what you have, eben thought you don't seem to particularly like it. you need to be brave and follow your heart, regardless of the consequences. You are going to lose one or the other whichever way you decide.
Good luck and don't be a coward.
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female
reader, floraltemptaions  +, writes (23 January 2008):
I think you can make your marriage work after an affair, but, you have to be very very open and honest with each other. My now fiance cheated on me when we were just dating and the news made it home to me before he came clean about it. At the same time I was going to confront him, he came clean before I said I knew anything. He felt awful, for hurting me and my trust in him. He swore he would never do it again, and because I loved him so much, and I believed he loved me that much back, I believed him, forgave him and have moved on. I know now that he truely made an honest mistake.... we are all human right?! Anyway.... it's not saying that I didnt make him pay just a little (footrubs, dinners etc!) to win me back, but it revived the love and passion we had for each other. Just be honest, tell each other when your unhappy, and work together to fix it. Sure, marriage is hard work, but the end product is worth it! Remember why you loved your wife so much, what attracted you to her in the first place, think of your wonderful family (although they probably make you want to pull your hair out now and then!), and make sure you spend time together, both as a family and as a couple to remember whats important in life!
Hope all works out...
J
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you all who have replied - they are very insightful and helpful responses. Yes, its early days, and too soon to make any binding decisions. My head says stay and fix the marriage, but it has never unfortunately been great.Its very true that in an affair all the "love energy" goes into the other woman, so this inevitably makes a questionnable marriage worse. If any of you have been in this situation though, you will know that a true love is a very powerful drug, and hard to ignore. Maybe the promise of long term happiness in a new relationship is unrealistic, but it is so tantalising nevertheless. Best wishes to you all in your own situations, and thanks again for the guidance and opinions.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 The lips of another woman is sweet but it's fruit is very bitter.
A man should have given a deeper thought before he goes to kiss another lady.
Your marriage is like a ship that comes through a war zone and it will never be the same again.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (23 January 2008):
 There are two people in the marriage. You need to "fix" what was at the root of the bad spell in your marriage. If you do, you'll motivate yourself to improving your marriage. If you don't, then you are still at the stage you were before you started the affair and will continue to think about the other woman and other women as well. You will frustrate yourself because the ball and chain that held you back at home before will continue to hold you back.
Your wife also needs to fix what was at the root of the bad spell in the marriage. If she does it will help her get over the affair. If she doesn't, then she has two sources of negative emotion, the marriage problem AND the hurt caused by an affair which will gnaw away at her. In her mind she can "justify" some extra marital activity for herself, if for nothing more than helping to take some of her pain away.
If the two of you do nothing, things will go stagnant as they seem to be already, the kids will become less dependant quite soon, and you will either break up or live in a state of disatisfaction until one of you dies.
You don't mention what caused the original bad spell and what attempts you have both made in this area. Has it been "buried", are you trying to avoid it or do you think it is impossible to resolve?
Richard
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reader, eddie +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Marriage is like a car, it needs long term maintenance. Why are you willing to nurture another woman but not your wife. You know if you're seeing the other woman, you'll be doing all the sweet things you probably don't do for your wife.
It's also possible your wife took you for granted and she stopped being the woman she was when she was originally dating you. Perhaps you got less sex, attention etc. and fell for another lady. These things are nothing new and it's not only happening to you. The difference is that you're one of the people who decided to cheat instead of fix the relationship. What makes you think you'll do any better with this other woman? You might fall for another lady after her.
Marriage does have it's tough times. It is so much more than just the two of yo though. It's everything you've created over the years, thoughts, memories, kids, family and you're future. It is a huge part of your life to throw away. Think about what is most valuable for the long term, not just today when you're at the bottom of a valley. Who would sit by your side if you were gravely ill, the girlfriend or your wife
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Yes, I think a strong marriage can survive an affair - it takes understanding & forgiveness from the hurt partner and commitment and reassurance from the straying partner. However, what is worrying in your scenario is that it sems that your lover was (is?) your 'soul mate' and that you really want(ed) to be with her, but, for some reason couldn't bring yourself to break away? I don't see how you can have a viable or worthy marriage if you're in love with someone else but only staying put because of duty, habit, convenience or whatever it is that's holding you there. If it's love that holds you there, then try to forget the other woman and work at your relationship.
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