A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I see how lying (by omission or otherwise) about having cheated on someone can prevent immediate conflict, and seemingly keep things status quo in a relationship... but over time, does lying to one's partner actually lead to anything positive within the relationship or does the relationship eventually deteriorate from the lying (i.e. negative feelings within the liar, the stress of lying, how lying makes it difficult for a relationship/intimacy to grow.)
View related questions:
liar Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (12 December 2010):
The reason of the lying might be that that cheating was not a significant episode for the cheater. Like. e.g. it is not always worthy of discussion what you have had for lunch. You had something, but it was forgettable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): "Ten years later she's his wife and they have 3 great kids.
So he has a wife and 3 kids he wouldn't have if he'd told her.
Now, he regrets doing it but he doesn't regret having 3 kids now or not crushing her by telling her. So he protected their relationship and doesn't feel bad at all about it."
OMG, are you serious???? This is really what he thinks??
He thinks he did the "right" thing of keeping his cheating secret because this way he gets to marry someone, have 3 great kids, and not crush his wife's spirit??
Something is very f***ed up about this.
If you knew your fiance had or is cheating on you, would you choose to go ahead and marry them and start a family with them? Probably not. And if yes, then you have issues to work through and are willing to do that then that's fine.
But don't you think that a fiance deserves to have all the information they need to make a decision regarding whether or not they should pledge their life to someone?
Your friend may not have technically spoken an untrue word, but clearly he misled his wife. By witholding from her crucial information about himself, he misrepresented to her who he was and got her to marry him based on this misrepresentation.
He with held critical information she needed to make a decision about HER own life.
Do you see why this is so very wrong?
personally I think he should confess to her what he did over ten years ago. It is not to relieve his guilt or anything for his benefit, clearly he does not have guilt to be relieved anyway. It is for HER benefit. She deserves to know the truth about who she is married to. Then she can finally have all the relevant information to make the decision of whether she should be married to him or not.
Yes it will probably wreck his poor wife's and kids' lives, but he already has wrecked their lives they just don't know it. He has built an entire family on a lie and they have no clue!!! This is so sad, I feel so sad for his wife and kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Honest is best. Keeping a lie only turns into guilt, which then begins growing bigger and bigger, so it's not only difficult on the relationship, but even more so on the one who is holding onto the lie. Anyone who cheats, the first and most important thing to do is to come clean. Without doing so, there will be no chance to preserve or repair the relationship. Just as trust is foundational to a healthy relationship, keeping a lie creates irreparable harm to its foundation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Anyone who carries a lie, carries a burden. How much of a burden is determined by how much of a lie. How much of a lie is determined by a person's character and how severe the action is. A person of good character will not bury a lie so signficant that the truth of it would cause a significant change in people's lives...especially if the lie is percieved as making their life better. That, creates a lie upon a lie. I feel sorry for your friend, Cerberus. Not because he made a mistake, but because he is able to convince himself that he did the right thing in his mistake.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Cerberus, I personally think your friend is deluding himself that he has a great marriage. for now, maybe....but the truth has a way of coming out eventually. maybe one day in the future if he gets drunk he'll accidentally say something, or you might...or he might talk in his sleep...or the one night stand woman might come back into his life...
sure he doesn't regret his 3 kids. and it's true that if he had told the truth his marriage and kids wouldn't have come into existence.
but this is like when a guy has an affair, gets the mistress pregnant but falls in love with his kid because it IS his own flesh and blood after all. So he uses that to say that the affair was a good thing after all otherwise this kid would not exist.
If the wife has a "no second chances" policy about cheating, this means he in reality had and still has no right to be married to her. his entire marriage is based on a lie.
Maybe his kids are still meant to exist in some cosmological-fate way, but with a different biological dad!
I feel so sorry for his wife
It's not fair to you too, as his friend, to have to carry this burden. How can you ever look at his wife in the eye knowing you know this terrible secret about her marriage that she doesn't know?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): the only way anything positive could be seen in this is if you get a kick out of being selfish. lets be honest, even thats not a good thing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Yeah it can.
I'd normally agree with the other posters but I know a guy who cheated on his girlfriend once, ten years ago. A one night stand. He never told her in fact I'm the only who knows. He was on holiday when it happened. He never did it again, she made it clear if it ever happened and it only happened once she wouldn't want to know. So he has never told her. He didn't have to lie, he just never told her that he did. She never asked he never had to lie and he knows she'd rather not, he knows he will never do it again.
Ten years later she's his wife and they have 3 great kids.
So he has a wife and 3 kids he wouldn't have if he'd told her. She has a 'no comebacks from cheating' policy.
Now, he regrets doing it but he doesn't regret having 3 kids now or not crushing her by telling her. So he protected their relationship and doesn't feel bad at all about it.
He made a mistake and he paid the price in guilt and remorse but he stepped up and became a very loving and doting father and husband.
People love to say relationships are based on trust, well if it's your partners wish that you lie to them about certain things then they also trust you to do that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): I have had experience with both lying and being lied to in a relationship. It was not about cheating, but it was about other serious issues (finances, why I didn't call, why she didn't call, etc.)
My experience is that lying creates distance. It creates more of a gulf between you and that person and hurts intimacy. Also, it makes it easier to lie the next time.
If you are genuinely sorry about cheating, then I think it is something you should talk about.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xglow  +, writes (11 December 2010):
A relationship should always be built on trust. I know what its like to lie. I lied to my girlfriend about cheating with another girl and confessed to her exactly a few hours ago. This wasnt very healthy for our relationship of course. But I was so glad to got it off my chest. And we talked it over and she forgave me.Trust me when I say karma will always bite you in the end. You should not keep something like this from her....It will not lead to anything positive. It does not directly influence intimacy, but its always there in the back of your head. Its like a timebomb ready to blow.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): if you know you have cheated, your guilt will grow and you will think about. you need to consider what was it that happend, a kiss? or more? and why you did it? were you drunk/angry etc? i do believe a drunken kiss can mean nothing.if your not going to do it again, it may be best not to tell, ignorance is bliss!
...............................
|
