A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just( realize something about myself. I fall for emotionally distant men. I am so attracted to the one that are hurting inside.I notice a pattern. I think my love for them will "help" them ease their pain.So I had flings with 2 of them the past year,I am just coming to my senses and not chasing them. So after we "click" and have this great connection, emotionally, spiritually, sexually..They are willing to walk away from me (and I've been told I'm a great catch). They call here and there, but I wonder...will these guys ever one day see that they lost out on what could of been the greatest love of their life..Or are they so damaged emotionally they jump from girl to girl? Can love really heal these men? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): To all you wonderful women. Thank you. Sometimes I feel as though I am alone in these situations in attracting the "wrong men".
I went from an abusive relationship with my own father who abandoned me, and feeling alone most of my teenage years, to a relationship with an emotionally detached man for nearly 4 years. This man manipulated me and abused me and I took it because I knew no better. To me love was pain--so this was normal. I was trying to fix my relationship with my father through this man.
One day I finally took the red pill and jumped down the rabbit hole. I left him as hard as it was. My eyes opened up and I never allowed men to abuse me again as he did...or so I thought.
I spent the next 3 years dating men who either had to move away after a month, or couldn't commit. Like you, we connected on levels I never knew existed. I was sucked in; intoxicated by all of them.
My last relationship of 2 months ended abruptly as well. Everything fantastic and wonderful, and the man was practically obsessed saying all the wonderful things a man should tell you up until 10 mintues before he left me stating he had no feelings for me and never had feelings for me.
I'm still trying to figure it out, but at least I feel as though I am not the only woman out there going through this. Thank you.
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (3 April 2009):
 This answer is soooo long overdue, but I haven't been on here for some time. You are so right - it is like a drug - we want to go back and back for more - its a very hard pattern to break. We only see the good in them, not the pain and abuse they will inflict, because thats what we want to see - and they are so tempting too, usually very charming and eager to please, until you're in their grasp, and then the change comes about, which I understand is the ego - on both sides - wanting to please the other by being what we all think the other wants us to be. But no one can keep that up - inclduing us - and eventually the pow!!! comes and we all get to see the pattern again. A good tip is when you see someone you think IS your type - run!!!! You don't want that type any more, look where it got you before. I promised myself I would never again go for the quiet one, always working, alwys alone, but I did it twice - yes they are kind, hard working men, both of them but they also needed to be rescued, and I am World Rescuer No 1, so I have to see that I'm ok just for being me, and I don't have to rescue the world. But hey my ego is very strong and loves taking me to these painful places to make it feel important. Wow what a lot we learn on here. Thanks for shoing me what I learned. Hope you are still on the road to recovery - don't worry its a life times journey!!! Lots of love xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update: when I orginally posted the question I had no idea what i was doing wrong with men. After reading your wonderful answers i didn't fully comprehend what you guys were saying. It opened my eyes, but bad habits are hard to break.
So I met one more "bad boy". This time i was more aware of my pattern and conscious of my behavior. Things went great for the first couple of months, but sure enough his true colors slowly appeared. Lying, cheating, being disrespectful. So instead of staying and trying to "fix" him like i've always done in the past. I kept reminding myself to love myself first. It was so hard but i did walk away and ended it after the first sign of disrespect.
I know i have a long road ahead because it seems like I get along so well with all these jerks. We have the best of time and connect so well when things are great.
I think normal, healthy guys are not attracted to me because I give off a bad vibe.
Whatever the case.. I've enrolled back in school, and focus on loving myself. i am not ready for any man, but my problem now is keep these bad boys away. They do seem to always keep in touch even after I tell them to take a hike.
They call months later, acting so sweet like they care and miss me.
I know now that every relationship/men i meet will be dysfunctional until i fix myself. It is soooo hard. because it does feel like withdrawal from a drug. My body craves these men...and subconsiously want the drama and abuse because it is all I've know growing up w/abuse and an absent father.
I will be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update: when I orginally posted the question I had no idea what i was doing wrong with men. After reading your wonderful answers i didn't fully comprehend what you guys were saying. It opened my eyes, but bad habits are hard to break.
So I met one more "bad boy". This time i was more aware of my pattern and conscious of my behavior. Things went great for the first couple of months, but sure enough his true colors slowly appeared. Lying, cheating, being disrespectful. So instead of staying and trying to "fix" him like i've always done in the past. I kept reminding myself to love myself first. It was so hard but i did walk away and ended it after the first sign of disrespect.
I know i have a long road ahead because it seems like I get along so well with all these jerks. We have the best of time and connect so well when things are great.
I think normal, healthy guys are not attracted to me because I give off a bad vibe.
Whatever the case.. I've enrolled back in school, and focus on loving myself. i am not ready for any man, but my problem now is keep these bad boys away. They do seem to always keep in touch even after I tell them to take a hike.
They call months later, acting so sweet like they care and miss me.
I know now that every relationship/men i meet will be dysfunctional until i fix myself. It is soooo hard. because it does feel like withdrawal from a drug. My body craves these men...and subconsiously want the drama and abuse because it is all I've know growing up w/abuse and an absent father.
I will be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Deema (your post of August 6th) This post hit the nail right on the head!!! Not being wanted by my natural father years ago has made me this person in your post....seeking love and approval by the wrong men!I see it clearly. I always new it...but reading YOUR post was like getting hit in the head and some new perspective happened to me. It made me want to write this.I have had two marriages. The first one 8 years. The man didn't want his sons and we divorced....I then found myself in a second marriage which I have MADE to last 30 years, but only because I am a C0-Dependant and have never had the guts to end this marriage like I did the first one. At 27 it was easier...while in my 30's, 40's and 50's it became a problem to leave the second union. Now I am 59 and I feel its too late. All the damage has been done....I have learned how to survive and take what I need out of this situation I let myself stay in all these years.I truly believe my husband loves me, but only as much as an addictive person can. Limited emotionally and mentally.I hope that anyone reading this and all YOUR posts can free themselves emotionally, and physically from a life sucking and draining relationship so they can live a full and happy life without dealing with someone else's trauma or addictions like ALCOHOLISM. This is what I have stayed with and emotionally and mentally endured for 29yrs. I am no martyr. Just telling the facts. I have learned how to cope within this relationship to satisfy my own needs. But not a day goes by that I don't beat myself up for NOT having the courage or strength to leave this man when I could have. Tears and regret sure do damage the soul!If I had gone years ago, my own two sons wouldn't be suffering "demons" and emotional baggage from being raised by a stepfather with a Alcholic problem. They are 34 and 35 and live far away. Thank goodness for that! They can be detached and heal as best they can. I love and miss them so much but know that at least they removed themselves from the man who won't and never admitted to his addiction. Thats who Alcoholics are....denial and blame and anger to others. I read your bio before posting this. I like the way you express yourself. God Bless.
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (17 August 2008):
Bless you Older Sister xx
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (17 August 2008):
You're on the road Baby Duck. Well done. It is a hard road. We are so desperate for the love we never got somewhere along the line, and we're looking for someone outside of ourselves to give it to us. Its normal, its natural - we missed out big time. We all need that love and approval, but what I learned is we have to give it to ourselves first - and thats the hard part, cus we believe - in my case anyway - that if that person we so wanted the love from couldn't give it to us - my dad in my instance - then how or why would someone else, so we go seeking that reassurance, that approval and pick men that will give us what we need - coldness and lack of emotion. So they are not the problem, they are just fitting the bill and showing us what we are lacking. Very interesting though, my new husband demands nothing of me!!!!????? You hear that? Well could I cope with that either? No I could not!!!! I was waiting for the control to come or the questions or the rejection or the lack of interest and when it didn't I tried to make it happen so HE would give me what I needed. But he never has. He's not emotionally sick like the other men in my life. He has no need tocontrol me, he's secure in himself, he's not jealous or angry. He comes from a loving normal family and knows not of the kind of people I had in my life before. So I have to tell you living with 'normal' has been a massive adjustment for me too because I struggled and fought and twisted and turned to see when he would behave that way. Thank God he never. So you see I must have changed to attract a man who didn't need to do that to me, cus I never needed him to. And that change came about when I was happy to be alone, was taking care of me, looking out for me, far more confident and not even wanting a man in my life. Thank you girls, you've allowed me to see how far I've come on my journey too. And I know you can make it - you're already on your way. Well done. Lots of love and blessings xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah..i do have issues with love.
I've been researching and i am a love addict.
Now I know why all my relationship fail and my self esteem is so low.
the biggest wake up call was I was emotionally unavailable too. Took a while for that to register.
I know i need to change, but i see myself still attractive to these men, this mean there is something I am still holding on to. I guess i think there are more passion in these relationships or I really do believe I don't deserve better.
Whatever the case..this is the first time I am single in a long time and I do see myself looking for men and a relationship like a heroin addict looking for a fix.
it does feel like withdrawal. What a wake up call.
Thank you so much you guys. You helprd me so much, i will keep you updated and hopefully I will make a full recovery.
btw. i have a stereotype that available/healthy men are boring, not attractive and sexy. Is this true? And are they not attracted to me (even though I'm attractive) because they can sense my issues/vunerablities a mile away?
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (17 August 2008):
Nothing is wasted honey. You can go on to help others see the light just like you did - in time. Work on yourself first. You deserve a better life xx
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female
reader, Tigerspaw357  +, writes (16 August 2008):
I think you have the issues and should search for the answers perhaps in therapy. It is the same when men or women only date married people, someone they cannot have - do you feel you worthy of emotional men? You have enough experience to know that the relationships will not last so why are you setting yourself up for failure? What are you afraid of?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for letting me see the light. I was so blind!
I am so done with these men, because I just got burned by one of them really bad. So now I learn my lesson. I can't help these men. I need to help myself.
It's too bad, because I have such a good heart and now they damaged me. I have to pick up the pieces and begin my healing process.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (7 August 2008):
Don't worry darling, you're not alone - how do you think we know the answers? Yes, that book was a lot of help to me. I had a very emotionally detached father (alcoholic) and then married an emotionally detached man (sexually abused as a child) and yes I still like to be needed but guess what - I don't need them any more. Its been a long hard road to get to this place, and sometimes it even feels a little scarey to not need the man I'm married to now, cus that makes me question, well if I don't need him, do I really want him???? Well we have a very odd relationship to some people anyway, but it works out fine for us cus I don't need him to be there. Its good if he is, but not a big deal if he's working all the time. It is a relief. You are at the beginning of your new life. This is your opportunity for change. You can do this. Good luck.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 The greatest love is the one you feel for yourself. And it comes when you respect yourself. This is love you will never find in someone else.
Early childhood experiences tend to shape our adult lives. You probably felt abandoned as a child and have turned every relationship into a quest to belong. People sense this kind of vulnerability and exploit it mercilessly.
Are you sure that these men are emotionally distant or could it be possible that they just see you as an easy score? If you loved yourself, I would bet that you would be far less attracted to these jerks.
You have some work to do to get yourself to a place where you won't think twice about the consequences of being alone. But that place is worth the effort because you'll also experience the greatest love of all. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was in a committed relationship for 11 years. (married for 4). Totally devoted/giving. He decided to end it saying he was unhappy and never ready for marraige/kids.(we have one child).
So I agree to separate, but then he begged to come back..I took him back twice throughout our relationship, and now this is the 3rd time. I refuse to take him back...because I'm determined to moved on. I asked him, "if you don't want me, why do you keep asking me back?" he doesn't have an answer.
Now i'm divorce and started dating again, I see that I fall for the same type. sexy,mysterious, quiet, emotionally detached fellows. The type that wants to be a bachelor forever. I don't want to change them, I just want to love them.
I guess it's a challenge for me.
To make them fall in love with me. I guess it is an approval thing.
I know I need to take the time to be alone and concentrate on myself. But it's so hard because it gets so lonely. I've always had somebody and this is the first time i feel truly alone. I just want to be with someone who loves me as much as I love them.
Does that mean I have to stop giving in a relationship? or just find normal men.
I guess I'm not attracted to them because they don't "Need" me. And it's true. I love to feel needed in a relationship.
And yes, i did grow up in a dysfuntional family without a father figure. The problem is when I am not needed..i go into a depression thinking i'm not good enough. it's a horrible cycle i need to break. i will run out and get the book. thank you guys.
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male
reader, look samurai dick +, writes (6 August 2008):
'deema' bellow hits the nail on the head.... i would listen to her.
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hello darling. Unfortunately I see the problem is as much yours as theirs. Its called co-dependency. You need them to need you. Thier coldness is a challenge to you, probably from some past childhood relationship, and you have the need to get their approval, so you hang in there where other people would walk away. You see their coldness as somehow to do with you, even if it is subconsciously, and you try to make them feel better, cus then they might like you or treat you better. They sense you need this approval and give it you sometimes and other times they see it as neediness, and thats the last thing they need, so that gives them permission to kick you in the teeth when you get too close. Without us even realising we are playing roles and games that get us all what we need. I think you are also afraid to be in a relationship so you choose these men who cannot or will not commit because that is also safe for you. Its very complex. Try reading 'Co-dependent no more' by Melanie Beattie. Its a fantastic book and you may find it helpful. Love yourself enough to see that there is someone available for you out there. You deserve better. Good luck.
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reader, Deema +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hello darling. Unfortunately I see the problem is as much yours as theirs. Its called co-dependency. You need them to need you. Thier coldness is a challenge to you, probably from some past childhood relationship, and you have the need to get their approval, so you hang in there where other people would walk away. You see their coldness as somehow to do with you, even if it is subconsciously, and you try to make them feel better, cus then they might like you or treat you better. They sense you need this approval and give it you sometimes and other times they see it as neediness, and thats the last thing they need, so that gives them permission to kick you in the teeth when you get too close. Without us even realising we are playing roles and games that get us all what we need. I think you are also afraid to be in a relationship so you choose these men who cannot or will not commit because that is also safe for you. Its very complex. Try reading 'Co-dependent no more' by Melanie Beattie. Its a fantastic book and you may find it helpful. Love yourself enough to see that there is someone available for you out there. You deserve better. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): You might be feeling very optimistic that they will have the greatest love of their life. Yes you have a lot to offer people. You feel you can help people, marry someone and you'll be happy for the rest of your lives and you would've got someone out of depression.
And you have, in a sense. Assuming that after they split up with you they are better in any way.
As a vague kinda theory, I can guess that the majority of men - or the stereotypical man - would flicker from one woman to the other, slowly climbing himself out of the hole hes in and then be able to settle down with only one woman forever. Its the boosts from these flings with women that would bring them back up.
Love can heal these men very true. I don't believe all men will be like this but if your getting the same result each time, maybe you need to catch them later on in the chain. Remember that even if a man isn't depressed, you can make him very happy anyway.
Even if you can't see the result as clearly.
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