A
male
age
36-40,
*appyorsad
writes:Dear cupid, do you think long term friends can become lovers? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, chrywizard +, writes (13 March 2017):
 It depends on how solid the friendship is... My experience says yes... I had a female friend who I had known for 12 years. She was one of my dearest best friends and one day the man she lived with (and she was pregnant) by got arrested and sent to prison for 5 years. She needed help so I offered her a place to live until she decided what to do. As it turned out , we spent all our Time together, and I noticed my feelings were growing stronger for her. Then she had her baby, and to all who knew he we seemed like a perfect family. I finally told my friend how I was feeling and she (being the more level headed) told me I really wasn't in love with her. after a couple of hours of talking about it I agreed and decided to keep my feeling to my self. I even begin meeting an old friend. However when my friend found out I was seeing T again she became upset, even telling me she was just using me. I assured her I wasn't being used and continued to see T. About a month later my friend came to me one evening and told me she was sorry for the advice she had given regarding us. She said she too was feeling what I had admired but she was afraid if she told me that, then we may lose our friendship trying to become lovers. I ask her if my seeing T was what made her tell me this (thinking she just wanted me to stop seeing T). As it turned out we did become lovers and it lasted 5 years but then her mom passed away and she moved to another state. We are still very close and talk all the time. She has ask me to moved there but I'm a California boy, and I know I wouldn't be happy there... It's too cold and it has no ocean to enjoy.So yes long term friends can become lovers but you must always remember.... You were best friends first, lovers second, don't forget to be the friend and set aside the lover when you have problems. GOOD LUCK!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): The whole thing sounds like she just needs to make a good hard mess of her life for a while. Once it's been a few years and she's been hurt & rejected & used several times, she will eventually start seeking a nicer guy like you.
There's no reward for your position. None. Other guys will use her for a plaything and make her an emotional mess without suffering any consequences for it, and you'll get to clean everything up later. (And you still might not get a chance with her even then.) That's how it works if you try to be too decent of a guy with young girls.
You won't want to hear this now. But just mark my words and look back on the whole situation again in a few more years. I won't be wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Hello again,
You say that her life is out of control, but does she feel that way? The reason I'm asking is because you can't "force" a person to change if they are content with the way things are going.
But, what you can do is be there for her again. Show her a good time. Go do things together like have picnics, take day trips to places you both never been, stay in and have some drinks and play games - anything, as long as it's fun! Let her see what she's missing. Also, be a better person than anyone else in her life right now. Listen to what she has to say, talk about things she brings up, ask her if there's anything on her mind (about her current way of life/friends/etc) and things along those lines. You want to make sure that she feels comfortable with you and understands that you really do care about all aspects of her.
Remember, any relationship - be it friendship or more - needs to have a foundation built on trust, honesty and communication. If there's been no communication between either of you for the past five months, then it may not be as easy for her to open up to you like she would have in the past. And if she opens up to you, then you have a better chance of helping someone who you truly care about.
I know that you said she didn't want to be with you and that's why you had to stop talking with her. I probably would have done the same thing; it's really hard to stay in a friendship when the other person doesn't value you in the same way. But if you really want to help her, then you're going to have to talk with her. But don't let that consume your life. If you are going to be emotionally crippled if she turns you down for a romatic partner, then you might want to think twice about getting involved in another friendship with her.
This is an extremely tough decision to make. But remember, if you decide not to try to help her, you are not being selfish. You are just watching out for yourself. Ultimately, she has to make the decisions for her own life. She is an adult now, so she should be responsible enough to make choices for herself...and you shouldn't feel guilty about it!
Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Possible but very risky for the long-term friendship.
More than likely if they haven't hit the sack already after a couple of years then it's usually the guy who is stopping it. If the guy has wanted it to be sexual all along and it hasn't happened yet, then I would guess it's unlikely that there will be mutual feelings from her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): put the idea to her again, but dont bare your sole. Her feelings may have changed, she may have realised what she is missing. x
...............................
A
male
reader, Happyorsad +, writes (25 September 2007):
Happyorsad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wont 2 thank everyone 4 there advice.I appreciate the help. 4 those who wont more detail on my back story here it is.It's a bit confuseing I hope u understand. First Im going 2 state the obvious.We've been friends 4 years. We r so much alike its unreal.she's always been in relationships with guys but always got the shity end of the break up's. About a year ago I told her how deep my feelings r 4 her she was very flaterd but wonted 2 stay friends.with grate disapointment I ended our friendship because of my feelings 4 her. I decided to give her some time 2 think about what i have 2 offer.now I like 2 think Im the type man that all men should be.Its been hard not haveing her in my life.almost 5 months have past.we recently made time 2 hangout with each other & things where going good until i noticed that she had changed so much.she had made some stupid decisions & was hanging out with the wrong people. All im saying is that her life is out of control & only getting worse. I wont 2 step in what do i do?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Yeah, it's possible, and it can work. I was in a relationship with my best friend for a couple of months and it was the best feeling. Unfortunately, I hadn't been entirely honest about my past because I'd made a couple of mistakes that I was ashamed of and hadn't told her. When she asked questions, I lied. Eventually I couldn't keep it up and told her the truth, and we ended up really falling out and not speaking for a while.We're friends again now, but I'm not sure whether things are as good as they were or ever will be, and I'm struggling at the moment because she's getting on with her life without me and I still love her a lot. It's still great having her as a friend, but at least for a while there's going to feel like there's something missing, like it could be more. However I'm probably one of the lucky ones in that we're still friends, you have to be prepared for the worst...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Yes, for sure. It is actually better because you have no unrealistic expectations & you can be yourself around eachother. It worked for me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I believe that long term friends can be lovers, theres things that just dont need to be said as they know your history already.
The only thing that I would say is, could you cope without them as a friend if it just didnt work out because once that line has been crossed there is no going back to friendship. I know this as it how I lost my best friend, it was too hard for him once we wernt togther to accept me moving on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): i can safely say it turned out well in my case. i was friends with this guy i'd known for 9 years, but thats all it was back then, friends. i didn't know about my feelings for him until after i got married. to cut a long story short, things fell through on the marriage front and i got back into my social group again. it just turned out my friend was single too. we've now been dating for a year and i'd say we were happy. so what have you got to lose?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (25 September 2007):
 It's very possible for friends to become lovers. But like stina said, it depends on so much; the situation, current relationships and the like.
The old adage says that friends make the best lovers. Probably because you've spent so much time getting to know each other and you've shared things with them that you haven't shared with others makes it deeper connection. They (in most cases) already know about your past relationships and what occurred in them that led to the breakup. They know your likes and dislikes. Your tastes. Some of your favorite things. They know when you're hurting. When you're happyorsad (pun intended). They know a lot about you already....BUT....
Be very careful that the feeling is mutual. It can be very awkward to profess your love to a close friend and those feelings aren't returned. Can you image telling your long time female friend that you've been in love with her since kindergarten and she says she doesn't feel the same for you? The next time you see each other it may be a slightly tense atmosphere.
And you stand a LOT to lose if the relationship goes south. Sure you both know a lot about each and blah, blah, blah. But you haven't actually been an item - you haven't been boyfriend-girlfriend. The relationship makes a slight shift during this time and if you two are as compatible as you thought and have to breakup, can the friendship you built continue to stand? What if it's a messy breakup? All these things you need to consider before grabbing your friend by the hand and heading for the hills.
Try it out first. Talk to her about a "friend" you know who's considering being lovers with his longtime friend. Give her some vague details and she how she responds. She might not like the idea of dating a longtime friend. Or, she might think it's sweet. This will give you a general idea about how she feels about the situation.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, cupidhelper +, writes (25 September 2007):
Absolutely, but you have to understand your relationship has changed. Jeolousy is a factor now and long-term friend sometimes don't take the time to be as curtious to each other as they would a new relationship.
They take the friendship for granting as "knowing me at my worst" but a weekend of worst is not a week, month of worst.
Also,, take it slow. don't move in together in 2 months. the time you were friends was friend time. the time you're lovers, is lover time. treat is like any other relationship. call when you're late, buy flower/candy/gift when you were moody, ask permission to go away for the weekend-- no one want to call their lover for a week to find out they left town. a best friend doesn't need your permission.
Oh, and don't expect their to be perfect sex. Unless you were friends with benefits, you don't know them that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 September 2007):
Hello Happyorsad,
It really depends on the people, the situation (if they're already in relationships, their feelings for one another, etc.) and so many other factors. So in some cases, it's possible, but in others it is not.
I guess to answer *your* specific question, we'd have to have more details. Do you mind sharing some of the back story? ^_^
...............................
|
