A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've posted before about my divorce from my partner of 20 years. It involved an affair on my part that is now over. However, I'm having severe problems that I am trying to work through and could use some advice. I know how the Aunts feel about cheating, so I am not looking for support, necessarily. But please bear with me, and try not to judge. After all, I am human, with a soul, and I want to do good by my family, my son and God.I didn't have a bad marriage, in fact it was very good. just not a great one. We spent about 6 years dating and really getting to know each other in our 20's, fell in love, married, and started a family. For the first 10 years of our marriage, it was a growing, loving, magical time. But as we focused on building a happy home and watching our son grow, we lost touch with nurturing each other and our relationship. We took for granted (yes, both of us, as she freely acknowledges) what we had in each other. I apparently did not give her the depth of love and respect she wanted, and she did not maintain the passion and spontenaiety in our love life that I needed. Much of this had to do with sex, which we averaged an acceptable once a week, but it was scheduled, routine and not passionate. We stopped connecting. I often felt she loved me when things went well...when I had a good salary, was in a good mood, did loving things. But when I had a bad day and needed to vent, or went into slumps, she didn't like that guy so much. In her defense, she did not feel supported either, when she wanted to do things or needed my love and support. So it was a mutually unfulfilling relationship near the end. We focused so much on the house, the family, the "appearance" of a solid life, that we failed to work on our marriage. When I got a job much closer to home a few years ago, it kindof opened my eyes and made me realize how much we had compromised our marriage into a hole. Sad thing, is it all could have been fixed, and we did go through counseling. However, she knew about the affair, and that has been the "deal breaker" that cannot be surmounted. I failed, because I made a choice to go outside the marriage to find what was missing, and now I am lost, because what I wanted I had all along. I know you'll say suck it up...and I know I will have to. It's just so hard, and in my heart I feel it is wrong for us to walk away.I still love my wife, and have had several talks with her of late that convince me she loves me and misses me as well. We hug, kiss out of respect and hold each other. We are still there for each other and very supportive. However, all my attempts to win her back fail, because she says "there is just too much damage". When I seem to get close to convincing her we should try, she suddenly gets cold and puts up her walls again, referring to the affair. She'll say "what's done is done, we have to move on" and "there is no rewind button". I understand this completely, and would probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed. But it is so confusing, to both of us I think, because you cannot just walk away from a love and friendship of 20 years...that's over half our lives. She says the same thing. We are intertwined in each other to the point where nothing I do and no place I go hasn't involved her. She feels much the same way. She has even said "anything can happen" when we talk about the future and getting back together, but then she says she doesn't see that happening....so it is very confusing. In many ways, I think the is so excited about hanging out with friends and possibly meeting someone new, I feel it is clouding her judgement. I went through that excitement with the affair, it ended, and I was left right back where I was. I want her to experience that too, and I think she will have to. But I have a strong feeling she will come back around and realize what a solid foundation we had, and that it was worth fixing. I know several couples who divorced after affairs, and years later they almost always admit they wish they had kept it together. I am terribly afraid of finalizing this divorce only to find we threw away a great thing. We had a good marriage, and you dont find that every day. I know it may sound like I feel I DESERVE a second chance, and I realize that is not true. I would'n't ramble on about this if I wasn't quite sure she felt the same way, and every indication I get is that she does feel love in her heart still. I think she is just too hurt to act on it. I wake up so many mornings in severe pain and heartache over what has been broken and lost. I think of my 12 y.o. son, and how this has affected him. I think of how it has affected our families, and how I'd be the demon in the eyes of her family if we ever would get back together. So it would never be the same, I know. we are having to sell our house, move and start over. All the happy memories of him growing up in our old house are gone. Well, the memories are there, but it's like they are now at an end.I have turned to the church, and it has helped, specifically Psalm 6. I have talked to family and friends, and they agree we are not at an end with our love, but because the affair is such a severe blow, I will have to just ride out the divorce at this point, and hope for the best. I can't make her see that we have hope. She will have to experience that for herself. I'm not trying to turn this around somehow and make it sound like I've found a path forward that she is failing to see. Rather, I know it is I who did not see the path. I wish I knew how to win back her heart, because in mine, I only see one path, and it is with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): OP, you are the guy who left your wife and son for your lover, right? I tried to recall your earlier post, and how disgusted you were with your wife that she wanted a final farewell 'f*ck' (as you put it)m so now the affair has ended and you realised that your grass was not greener with your lover. You will not like what I am saying but please hear my words. You made your bed and now you are paying the price. Yes you may now want to reconcile but it was YOU who threw away 20 years, you who destroyed your marriage and family life. I think to all cheaters this is what you may find one day. An empty life and lots of regrets. Was the affair worth it and was the devastation of your wifes life worth it? Definately not. In the end I actually feel sorry for you because you have proven these words correct: you never know what you have until you throw it all away. Your wife is at a good place in her life right now. She is freed from your lies, the pain you have caused her and the devastation you put her threw. She is enjoying her new found freedom and the possibilities are endless. She now has the power back in her own hands and she is now embracing life as a divorcee, she is lapping up the possibilities and she is actually going to show you that her life is still worthy without you. She deserves this chance at happiness and please do not be selfish and stand in her way. I think you know that your marriage is over. YOU ensured that it was when you chose your lover over your wife and son. Your actions have had consequences and what a price you have paid. I really wish that you have learnt from this tragedy and that one day you may be able to reconcile with your wife. The deal breaker was your affair and sadly your wife would never want to be in a position again where you rip her heart out. I donkt know what else to tell you. I will be so wrong to advise you to try and save your marriage and give you false hope. All I can say now is : our choices dictate our happiness and when we betray the person we claim to love, sometimes all it takes is just the One time to destroy a lifetime. You never thught your cheated wife will have a life without you so soon, and now you are so panicked that she has. Good woman, that wife of yours.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Despite the lies, pain, and the loss of a 20 year relationship, your wife is in a good place right now: let her have this. You broke her heart and you now owe her the freedom to pursue her own joy and follow her own path, even if you are not part of her life any more. If you truly want to do right by her, stop trying to convince her to save something she views as irrevocably broken, wish her well in life--and mean it--and apply your resolve to remain faithful to all of your future friendships and romantic relationships.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): OP here - I had the talk with her again...mentioned everything in my post here and more. She told me she loves me and shares the same feeling of loss as I do, but that she can never, ever go back. She is hurt not only by the actual act of the affair itself, but all the lies that went along with it. The times I said I was going out with friends but was actually going to see the other woman, the times I told her she was imagining things when she saw me texting in the bathroom, etc. I can't blame her. I was caught up not only in an affair, but all the lies that go with it. It's like a disease.
She says she is "dating herself" now, which we both find amusing. She has found another life with her friends and on her own, and she is truly making the transition for good. I am simultaneously happy for her and devastated that I am not part of her anymore, except in memory. we remain in a stable place right now...not really friends, but not enemies. I guess thia is what it has come to, and there is apparently nothing I can do except ride it out and see if our paths bring us together again. Sadly, I don't think her path will. I'm a ruined man with a lost heart. And I know it is my fault. I just don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I think if you feel your wife still loves you then there is an inkling of a chance that you could get back together with her and keep your family in tact.
I hope that what you will do is to show your wife this letter you have written to us, when by all accounts it shoul be written to her.
What I hear your wife saying is that she is not about to forgive you if and until she knows that you get how this affair hurt her as a wife, a mother, and most importantly as a woman.
She fears that you will never deeply APPRECIATE her for who she is again. Your fear is that she will never RESPECT you again.
You are going to have to put aside your fear of her losing respect for you and try to prove to her everyday that you can be trusted and that you are deeply sorry for your betrayal. It may take years, but she has to be willing to forgive you and not only that but to put her faith into you again.
If you are both religious, then I think putting your faith in this union as something bigger than yourselves will help you to heal and to get there. In fact I would suggest that you ask your wife to get some marital counseling both from your church and a professional therapist that does family counseling. As you are well aware, this marriage did not go off in the ditch on it's own and your wife contributed to some of the problems.
You simply have to be willing to do the work and I am sure your divorce attorney would rather see you go to counseling than go through with a divorce that neither of you really wanted, at least a good attorney would hope for that.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I'm about as far from being in a marriage as possible, but I am currently with a partner that I hope I wills someday build an amazing life with, and that I will someday have children with an have an amazing home with. I want to share my life with him and I know he feels the same. We talk about it constantly.
I am 21 years old, and I have only been in one "serious" relationship before this one, and even that, I felt, was extremely trivial. We only lived together for six months before breaking up. My current boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and a half, and have been living together for nearly a year. We are moving to Florida together to build a new life outside of what we've always known. He comes from a very dysfunctional family, where arguing and bickering is all that's around married couples. His parents are a prime example. I, on the other hand, come from a very loving, caring, and open family. Only a couple of the people in my family have gone through a divorce, including my mother (who's gone through two). But I don't know the majority of the details from these divorces, so I've never thought about them much. Now that I'm older and I'm spending more time around my boyfriend's family, I'm beginning to see the destruction that can come of once-happy marriages...
Now that I'm reaching the point to where I'd love to settle down with the man of my dreams, doubts and concerns come into my mind that make me question the entire foundation of marriage, and I'm going to try to give my young-and-inexperienced two-cents if I can. So bear with me...
I believe that in any relationship, communication is key. Without knowing every single detail or having been with you throughout this journey, I cannot determine what exactly you've tried and what you haven't. You said that you've been to therapy with your wife. To me, therapy is for people who are admitting to themselves and their loved ones that they don't know how to communicate with them. I've been to therapy for a number of reasons, and I only went because I felt I was not able to express myself openly and freely to my family, friends, or lover. I have many demons within myself that need to be exorcised, but I still feel that it is impossible for me to let them show. I do not trust my loved ones completely, which is something that is my own fault. I don't trust them to love me for everything that I am, and it's hurting me.
I'm sure that going to therapy made you feel as though you and your wife were in a controlled environment, and that if any guidance was needed to express your feelings, you had someone there for backup. If her voice was raised above yours, another voice was there to calm it. However, you and your wife need to learn how to work with each other to solve problems. Communicate to where communication comes easy. Communicate to where self-expression isn't feared for fear of rejection. That's not what love is about.
As far as the affair, it's difficult to give advice. I've never cheated on a loved one, but I have been cheated on. Luckily, all of the guys who cheated on me were short-term relationships that meant nothing to me. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I loving, long-term relationship ended in that way. It would certainly take a toll on my ego. Not only that, but any and all trust would be broken from that point on. Given that you say that you two had been having your problems, I'm assuming that the disconnection from the marriage was happening on your wife's end, and that the affair wasn't as much of a shock as you would have expected.
Trust will have to be rebuilt, and it can never be built back up to the level it once was. This will continually cause strain and resentment, especially on your wife's end. Something that breaks apart a union such as a marriage is not easily forgotten. Any argument that comes up, regardless of the subject, will be based on that incident, whether directly stated or not. I suggest that anything that needs to be discussed about the affair should be discussed soon rather than trying to pretend that it never happened. Communication is key.
Also, you need to express to your wife what you've expressed to us on here. Let her know that you've not only realized that you've made mistake, but that you've learned the value of your marriage and the value of her as a person.
Again, I don't know if anything I've said will be helpful, but I just thought I'd give it a shot. This story really reached out to me. I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Good questions JM. I would say what I would do differently is never take ANYTHING for granted. Nourish the love and relationship with every day. I had a near death experience once, and as anyone who has, it makes you appreciate life on a level that most cannot comprehend. I liken this situation to that experience...so I would know what I'd have to do. As for assurances, well, even though I breached a lifelong trust with her, when you spend 20 years with someone, you have an innate knowledge of them. I would know that if she took me back, she would not do so unless her knowledge of me convinced her enough that I would not stray. And likewise, I would never go back unless I was sure I would not either. Many say "once a cheater, always a cheater". I can honestly say this is not true. For the rest of my life, I will never cheat. I could never go through what I went through, or what I put my marriage through. I lost my marriage, my home, my job, even my dog got killed the night I moved out. It was like a bad country song. In the face of God I have proclaimed my fidelity...except this time it is for ME I have proclaimed it, and not for someone else. When you internalize a resolve, it becomes a faith within. I failed to do this before, because i did not have an inner faith...a knowledge and identity of myself that prohibited me from cheating on ME. I have learned that now, and if I betray someone like that again, I will be betraying ME, MY faith and my trust in myself. Hugely different person now. But that still can't make her love me or trust me again.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I don't like giving advice to married couples when I can help it. At my age I can somewhat comprehend what its like to be in a long term relationship, but to be married to somebody for 20 years is for me, still about as far off in the distance as me creating my own spaceship and traveling to mars. So let me ask a couple of questions instead...
What would you do differently in your marriage should she eventually decide to come back to you?
and
What assurances would she have that you wouldn't get bored and cheat again...? (other than the fact that you've learned a lesson from your mistake)
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