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female
,
anonymous
writes: I've been dating a man for 1 and a half. I love him dearly and he claims to do the same. However he is very abusive mentally and sometimes physically. I recently called the police and he is currently in jail for asulting me. He took no accountability for it at all, meaning he denied touching me to me, to his friends and the police. He has always been in denial for his abuse from the beginning. I know he hates me now and probably has learned nothing from any of this. I have tried to get over him but I haven't been able to. I have talked to a counsellor and still am but my question is: does anyone have any advice on how I could possibly save this relationship? As crazy as it sounds, is there any way that I can somehow get him to see how wrong he is? He did finally admit he needed help but that was on the phone before he was arrested. There's a lot more to this story but I'll stop with this. Thank you for your advice ahead of time. By the way, the outbursts usually start because he doesn't like any questions asked about him and sometimes he makes up reasons to get mad. How can he say he loves me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): First of all I've been in your exact situation so my advice is first hand and I've been on both the inside and the outside of the fence so to speak. My boyfriend went to jail for choking me and dragging me inside. We are now back together and things are totally different. It is possible for people to change, but only if they want to change for themselves. My boyfriend was addicted to drugs and very violent, but now is a completely opposite person with nothing but love in his heart for me. He had been to jail before, but this time he said he took some time and evaluated his life. No one can tell you whether to get out of the relationship or stay in because you're going to do what you think is right no matter what. I have everyone that I know against me right now like these other people that have responded to your question, but I'm sticking by his side because those few that do change need someone that loves them in their life. Just remember that you can't make him change or want him to change for you, he has to want to change for himself. That's the only way that I know of that people will make a difference in their lives.
A
female
reader, sden20 +, writes (18 October 2005):
i know this sounds horrible but he WON'T change.none of this is your fault and if you stay with him he will ebb away at your confidence and make you believe you deserve this kind of treatment. when you are in a relationship you should have equal respect for each other.he should treat you like a queen,even when you're arguing. you may think he's great 'when your good',but thats not enough.nobody deserves to be controlled or abused.you'd be shocked if somebody on the street csme up to you and insulted you,or worse,hit you,yet it's okay if it's the person who is supposed to love you the most. consider yourself lucky to be away from him and get support from one of the many domestic violence groups around. stay strong and remember that you deserve to be treated as a queen.
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A
female
reader, not again +, writes (15 October 2005):
Get out!! I think you know that that's what you need to do. Now is a good chance while he is out of the way. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tadeudz +, writes (15 October 2005):
This is hard to hear when you love someone but get out of this relationship NOW! It's not going to change and you will see your life slipping away if you stay with this man.
Imagine a friend of yours was going through the same sort of thing, what would your advice be?
I know it hurts and I have had first hand experience of this so I know where you're coming from. Just don't let him manipulate you. Often with abusive relationships the mental stuff does more damage in the long run than the physical stuff.
Hope you follow through with the prosecution, I never did and I regret it so much now.
Be strong and hope it works out!
xx
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A
male
reader, LucidCupid +, writes (15 October 2005):
He can only reform himself.As he doesn't respect you any advice you give him will seem like you're belittling him,which will only fuel his temper.Until he learns to love himself he'll never be able to love anyone else.You deserve better,move on.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (14 October 2005):
No, you can't. He doesn't respect you, or anyone, really. He is totally wrapped up in himself, and that is why he can be abusive and violent to someone he should be loving instead. Follow through with the criminal prosecution, and don't ever see him socially again. He will always tell you " You made me hit you !" That is the common defense these men use. Well, no, you didn't make him hit you, and you are not going to put up with any man who does. Have some self respect, and break all contact. Get counseling for the problems you have with low self esteem, and a poor self image. You appear to be suffering from the Battered Wife syndrome, where you can't give up a guy even if he has half killed you. There are too many women in their graves who were just like the way you are acting now. We don't need you to join them. Get professional counseling, and don't see this guy again. If it is possible, get a restraining order against him keeping him away from you, and making it a crime for him to contact you by phone, through third parties, or even by mail. This is the only way he will face his problem, and over come it. If he does, then your toughness in how you deal with him will, actually, help him in the long run. But keep away from him. There is another man out there who will respect you, love you, and treat you like his queen. Find him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. YOU CAN NOT REFORM HIM. YOU ARE DATING, NOT MARRIED. WALK AWAY WITH YOUR LIFE AND DO IT NOW. YOU CAN NOT REFORM HIM.
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