A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Sorry its long hope you take the time to read and answer.nearly 3 years ago i found out that my h/b had cheated on me he said he was going through a mid life crises and he was flatered by a co worker who was 20yrs younger also married to be intrested in him.I found out many things in the 3 mths he had been seeing this woman, presents he had got her for valitines day me nothing took her to a hotel for sex where my son had got married 5 mths before and also had taken her into our home while i was at work.The night i found out he was going to leave me and said our marriage was over(been married 20 yrs) like a fool i took an overdose and ended up in hospital overnite.The next day i asked him if he wanted to save our marriage the answer was no, so i accepeted this and went out to see my daughter,when i got there she said that my h/b wants me to go home and work things out.We decided to give our marriage a second chance him saying how sorry he was and it will never happen again.Things were ok but i had nagging doubts that there was something else that he had not told me(6 mths later)i called his bluff and said i know of the others that when he said that he had slept with my friend in 1992 twice, and he had been seeing another co worker on n off for 7 yrs, i could nt belive what i had found out here was a man i dont know.So many things went on and i never had a clue.During our marriage i lost touch with most people i knew only seeing people at work, i was depentent on him totaly.I wanted so much to leave but could never find the strength to make it on my own until he started to hit me because i wanted answers and he just said he did not know why,i went to a womans refudge was there for 2 wks and he begged me to come home i did return and he has shown how sorry he is and he does not hit me anymore but he will smash things and threaten me if we row.I have no friends or family only my daughter @ son and she does not want to get involed.My question is why do i feel like i cant be without him after everthing he has done the hurt is still with me, i dont sleep well, im thinking of all that has happened most days, i hate him but love him to.How can someone who has treated me so wrong say they have always loved me?the only answer i get from him is he dont know why he thought id never find out.He wont go to councling he says i know it all now and they cant change what has happened and cant afford it anyway.Since all this has come out he as changed jobs,i know deep down i will never trust him and there are times i feel sick thinking of what he has done, i have gotten into a rut and dont know how to escape 3 years have pasted and it still feels like yesterday i need help but where from?I will never get the answers that i need from my H/b so what do you think ?Be grateful for your repiles Thank you x
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Your not alone.
Many women scarafice thier own lives holding onto something that has been over for years.
Staying in relationships in the hope that things will change or improve, even when things are so bad because comtemplating starting a new life on thier own is so daunting, they stay with the abuser. This is the result of long term abuse either mentally or physically. Your conditioned and blame everything onto yourself - it is not your fault !!!
You may not see your husband as an abuser but he is.
He has cheated so many times, He has lied over the years,
he has hit you, the list would go on an on.
It is time for you to stand up for yourself. It is time to let go of all this shit and start a new life. Yes it is going to be hard..but I know that given some time, assistance from friends, family and your doctor or the church you will find a happier life that is so much more fulfilling than this one you have now. You can do it. Start planning. Get some money behind you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Your husband will not go for counseling, but you need to go if only on your own to talk this through with a professional. There are reasons why woman stay in abusive relations, I'm not an expert so can't tell you why. But it is plain to see that this marriage is very toxic and there is little chance of it changing. You really need to leave him. It would be better to be on your own and in peace, and then slowly build a life for yourself. The word 'love' has no meaning in your marriage - it is a shame and has nothing to do with what most people would regard as 'love'. Somehow you need to gather together the courage to leave him and leave him for good, no more chances. For your own sake.
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