A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just about two months ago broke up with my girlfriend after a relationship where we lived together for over two years. This was my first relationship and it became very serious quickly with much future plans together.About one and a half month after the break-up she tells me she had slept with a friend of mine(which later turned she confessed she told me that to make him and me not friends anymore because he denied her out of respect to me.) only a few days after her break-up and said she had been interested in him for a long time.Anyway she wanted to try again she told me, and I have so much to forgive her for now. So after holidays ended we returned to our apartment together.. Now I would think SHE should be the one who really shows she wants me back or that she regrets a bit more her behaviour, not only saying ones she is horrible and that's it. But she only behaves as if we are friends now, no close contact, not sharing bed, hardly even hugs because she said SHE wants to take it slowly... okay I agree I want to take it slowly because so much bad things happened, but I think she should have to prove something to me that I am worth much to her, NO?I talked in-depth about it with her tonight, she hardly care talking about these things and says we already talked about it before. Since I have asked her many times why she wanted to break up except for her interest in my friend. Well turns out for one that I can't turn her on any longer.. I became quite silent and didn't have so much to add any longer and she just questioned why I don't say anything and said "sorry but you asked".I mean knowing that I don't even turn her on anymore and that she already betrayed me with more things than I have written here. What can I really expect? She say she seriously wants to try again, but said now recently that she wants to take it very slow and that she is not sure what her feelings are.Is there any chance really with these problems and that she says I don't turn her on anymore!? I get frustrated that she seems to play with my feelings only to make herself feel better.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 It's always good to write things out, our talk about them and say the words out loud. Makes you better aware of what is actually going on, helps you get an overview. Im glad if I could help with that thought process!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Hi chigirl, thank you very much!
I want to have her again firstly because she is the first one for me and I have been closer to her emotionally than to any other person. I think I love her, but some times feel very angry with her what she did and what she is doing. She says she really wants to try again but the next second she says she is not sure she wants me.. so confusing and strange to treat someone like that which you had a close relationship with. If she wasn't sure she shouldn't come to me and say she really wants to try again, she has lied and been very mean during the break-up period so it doesn't feel fair that she puts me in a uncertain position. I want to forgive her but she has to try a bit at least to show me if she even has regrets, I have given and tried accept much things myself already.
The worst of the heartache I have probably experienced already, I don't think there are much lies left except maybe the reason why she says she wants to try again but not trying much to repair anything.
Well the reason we live together now is because we still share an apartment, it will be cancelled very soon.
But YOU are right chigirl, we only have a relationship on paper, but it's not a real relationship. I have asked her why she doesn't even try hugging me, holding me, that she has to show she wants me back since she ended everything and she knows I am still fond of her. I shortly try to hold her hand, go close to her and similar things to try and slowly show something more, but she doesn't do the same. Thank you for saying this, this is something I will repeat.. we are not in an actual relationship..
I am with her now because she USED to make me the most happy person I have ever been, now she mostly just makes me stressed, sad and tired. I guess I want to find back to the thing that made me so happy, do you understand? I don't know if I am really scared about being alone again, I have changed and I have become very social and meeting new people. But it just feels bleak to go back to that sort of time again when you dont have a certain special someone to share all with.
In a few weeks she will go back to her home country for about 1 1/2 months, I guess this will maybe be the decisive moment if we will meet again or not when she returns. Feels a bit weak and the easy way out to just stop seeing eachother because she temporarily went home. I want a more clean cut preferably.
Thank you for your reply chigirl it feels very helpful writing about this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 January 2011):
Why do you want to be with her? Often we return to our exes simply because they feel safe, we know what to expect, and we're too scared to be alone and having to search for a new person to love and be with. We also stick around even though the relationship is dead just because we don't want to face the heartache that comes with breaking up.
Getting back with an ex is not easy. In most cases it doesn't work out unless there's been a significant amount of time spent apart, enough so that you have both grown and wont make the same mistakes again.
At this point you sound like you would rather not be in this relationship, and it doesn't sound like much of a relationship either. You live with her? Why? You don't share the bed together, you're not romantic, you aren't in love with each other, and there are so many things you need to forgive, and so little effort from her side to try and make you comfortable. Most likely this is because she's struggling with the relationship herself, struggling with figuring out what she wants and what she should do. Maybe she is also blind to her own mistakes, or doesn't actually know how she could show you that she is sorry other than sticking by you. But at the moment it seems she's only there on paper, the reality is you're not in an actual relationship. You just live together and thats it.
So what do you think yourself? Is there hope? There is always hope. But is it worth it in the end? And are you with her because she makes you happy, or are you with her because you are scared of being alone?
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