A
female
age
36-40,
*erthgirl
writes:My boyfriend quit his job because he hated it so much. We are in week 7 of him not having a job and I don't feel that he is really making much of an effort to look for one. I am paying his mortgage (my name is not on the house) and the food for the house which is costing me about $1450 of my $1700 pay a fortnight. For the last 5 months I have been paying $1000 a fortnight towards his mortgage to help him get out of arrears. I have been putting things like petrol on my credit card cause I basically can't afford it, my credit card is up to $2000, admittedly with some things that aren't necessary but some things that are. We have had a row tonight because I put an item of clothing on my credit card which was $20. He said we discussed you not using your credit card and you have. Thing is, I am really pissed off because I work full time and feel I should be able to have some luxury every now and again, I wouldn't owe money on my credit card if he didn't just quit his job when he has responsibilities. He called me selfish, because I bought these leggings on my credit card but when he wanted some beers I said no. Have I been selfish?
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 "I will let u guys know that he is a lovely man, very thoughtful, respectful, loving, loyal and a gentleman"
Meanwhile, he is asking for advice about his "narcissistic lunatic" girlfriend. This whole thing is really weird.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): Wow you two don't sound very compatible at all but I'm going to work on the assumption that his depression and his loss of control over his world has led you two to this position.
To me that's the best case scenario here and it's the only one that makes sense to me.
OP's boyfriend you need to get back out there and work, you need your own money.
I'm sure you're both lovely people, I'm sure when money and depression isn't an issue you work great together. But I honestly can't see how money is not going to be an issue while the bf is not bringing any in. It looks to me like he's trying to exert too much control on the gf's finances because he has no control over his own and feels powerless.
Look I understand what it's like to work a shit job and have to deal with depression at the same time. I know how much it eats your soul away and makes you want to give up and leave the rat race for a while and consider your options.
Again you don't have that luxury.
You say relationships are give and take and you should be able to rely on your partner to pick up the slack, well picking up the slack is tearing you both apart and OP's bf you stand to lose everything while you allow this situation to continue. You have no financial security for the first time in 12 years, you have too much time on your hands and you have no control over your life anymore, your destiny lies in the hands of a woman who is not handling that responsibility well and frankly it sounds like she has to bear brunt of your mental state too. You're putting too much on her shoulders and while she may stay because of the lovely guy you are, she won't be able to prevent what this is doing to your relationship.
OP's bf can you not see how you not having your own money is tearing you both apart? I don't even know you but I can see how insecure it's made you feel, I understand full well what it's like to be broke and relying on others and that feeling of powerlessness grows into something that will only feed your depression and make things worse.
You're fighting over money, that then is spilling into other parts of your relationship and it's creating other problems. I sense a growing resentment building in both of you and frankly you're both starting to pick on petty things and points scoring.
Both of you are old and experienced enough in life to know when you start getting petty with each other, when you start picking on the little things and it creates conflict that's because of stress and it's because of unhappiness with the situation you're in.
Until you have an income coming in from your side none of the other issues can worked out. Because you'll still have the underlying insecurity, the need to exert control on her finances because you're relying too much on her and she then feels you don't appreciate that enough.
It's well possible that the other issues are only an after effect of the money issue and may melt away. But you two have a serious issue with communication at the moment and you both sound too stubborn to work that out. You're both being petty and stressing the little things and neither want to back down in some kind of vain attempt at principle.
OP's bf you need your own money, you need the power that comes with being able to make your own financial decisions again, you need the security of not having to rely on anyone but yourself to keep your house and you need to be back out there regaining the confidence or being a working man in charge of his own destiny again. Depression is a bullshit excuse not to because, and you know this, you're only making it worse by making yourself powerless.
That's your first priority here, only then can you approach any of the other problems you're facing on an equal footing and without the pettiness.
OP's bf, if you don't want to find yourself in deep shit financially, with a broken relationship that is beyond repair and on the verge of being homeless then keep doing what you're doing.
If I were you I'd get out there and find work. The only prerequisite is that it's different to your last job. If your last job was outside work try working in a factory, if it was factory work go do some outside labour work. Sure you may have fallen but you need to pick yourself up now. Take back control of your own destiny and keep working on your depression because if you are the nice guy she believes you to be then you won't let money spoil what you have.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 OP, this loving gentleman quit his job without first having secured himself another one, has been sitting on his butt for the last 7 weeks, makes you pay HIS mortgage on his house that only belongs to him , at 36 wasn't prudent enough to put away a little savings just for eveniences like this, so that at least he can buy his own beers - and has the nerve to say what you can buy with your own money and your own credit card ? And you even LISTEN to him ?
Your money, your credit, your life , your choice. You are not married, you haven't make a mutual promise and mutual committment to each other which would suggest or imply the choice to merge funds and manage them jointly with each other 's consent, and you have no legal or moral obligations to do so. You are just living together in a ( most probably ) temporary arrangement as he was with other women before you. And make sure that it's not an arrangement that you'll have to pay for more than it's worth !, financially and psichologically.
Anyway, I think by now the debate has become a bit superfluous, wouldn't you say ? I mean, now that you know this loving gentleman defines you a closet narcissist lunatic , are you still so anxious to make a future and a family with him ? WHY ?
It's not a matter of right or wrong anymore.I think it's rather evident that although he may have good qualities, -who's totallly without any-the quality he lacks most is of being compatible with you ( and viceversa of course ). You seem very distant in mentality, personality, spending style, dreams , aspirations, life outlook... lots of important stuff.
You have just seen how " love " is not enough. From a distance, it seems so, it's so cool to find romance and those delicious little sensual chills down your spine, and that warm and fuzzy feeling and all that nice jazz, then you have to LIVe with the guy, to buy things with him, to clean house with him, to save ( or spend ) money with him, etc... - and ,voila, the love boat crashes against the rocks of real everyday life, and sinks miserably.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 June 2013):
 Hi
After reading the additional posts it's obvious you and he are just not compatable.
You say he has attributes you love,ok, but you want different things in life,your driven and motivated, would rather have a room for your shoes than income from rental.He is the opposite. Money causes more aggravation than anything and neither of you will change.
Your not selfish just in the wrong place with the wrong person.
If you start your Saturday business and it is not successful you will be back to square one, there are no guarantees it will work, or generate income forever if it does.
Put it down to experience and move out, go home to the parents or get a mortgage of your own, that way it's *you* who will own a property rather than paying HIS mortgage and gaining NOTHING but a roof over your head with no claims to it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 The OPs boyfriend coming in here and highjacking her post really says something about his level of respect to her. If he wanted attention he should post his own question, rather than start arguing with both his gf and everyone else on here. These answers were for her, not him. Very posessive behaviour..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013):
"I will let u guys know that he is a lovely man, very thoughtful, respectful, loving, loyal and a gentleman . . ."
OP, you may want to reconsider your definition of "lovely man, very thoughtful, respectful, loving, loyal and a gentleman" after checking out boyfriend's side of the story, entitled "Help me please am I going out with a closet self centered narcissitic lunatic"
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/help-me-please-am-i-going-out-with.html
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A
female
reader, Perthgirl +, writes (1 June 2013):
Perthgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will let u guys know that he is a lovely man, very thoughtful, respectful, loving, loyal and a gentleman, hes not one of these guys that is out drinking all night and not contacting me. but we do butt heads on this stuff because i am motivated and driven, i want the finer things in life whereas he has his house and car and thats all he needs.
Also, it wasn't "couples counselling", it was counselling he attended on his own and I have been to two sessions FOR him,
It's not something I feel comfortable doing.
I didn't want strangers living in the house so what did I do? I offered to pay the extra $200 you would get from renting that room out. As for my shoe room, our bedroom is very small so I have the other room that holds all my belongings in, I sleep in our bedroom but that other room has all my clothes etc. so renting a room was brought up two months ago, and I didn't want a female , admittedly I am a bit of a jealous person, however, a male viewed the room and he said no because he was too good looking. So now what am I doin? I am starting up a business I can do from home on Saturdays that will cover my half of the mortgage and the money we would get from renting the room out so we dont have to live with strangers. and it is a business i can do from home when we do have a family. I think I have been really fair and supportive.
I have absolutely no problem paying half of everything, his mortgage, bills, food etc and i havent really got on his back about a job because i dont want to put pressure on him. what I do have a problem with is being called selfish and someone having a go at me for purchasing $20 leggings on my credit card when they are not bringing any money into the house and I am paying everything. Lets not foget for the 4 months I was paying $1000 a fortnight to help get the house out of arrears and I thought he was paying the same he was only paying half of that because he couldn't afford it, but I didn't know this at the time, I thought we had an end date that was two more months were we would be out of arrears but we were in exactly the same position, no better, the money I was paying was only covering the interest.... Am I living in the twilight zone? I think I have done so much and I am not being appreciated and that kindness is not being acknowledged, I'm making all these sacrifices for our future
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A
female
reader, Perthgirl +, writes (1 June 2013):
Perthgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe credit card Is mine and I will be paying it off with the spare money I have when he gets a job. I didn't owe anything on this card till April this year when he started to stop going to work full time, and I was paying the shortfall of the mortgage. So I didn't lie about not owing anything on it, he hadn't asked me during the time I have owed money on it. $1000 of it would be getting my hair done and the tickets for my mothers birthday and tickets for my boyfriends birthday. $500 was a deposit to start a business from home on Saturdays. And the rest is petrol, groceries and vet bills for his dog. So my point to this post was because I was pissed off he said I was selfish when I believe I have made a lot of sacrifices. My credit card is something I will easily be able to pay off when he gets a job, and lets not forget I wouldn't have this debt on my credit card if I didn't have such huge outgoings
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): There is no future together for you two. Go back to your folks and work towards buying your own home. He can sell up,rent out rooms, become self employed as a cabinet maker.Anything he wants.
He is not your responsibility nor you his, you are entitled to spend your earnings on whatever you choose and if you were back home you would have the disposable income you want instead of living with him or in rented alone.
You have had enough after only 7 weeks so if it happened again down the line when you had kids together who would pay the bills then?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): TO THE BOYFRIEND:
Stuff she didn't mention and you so kindly did, are a sack of wasted words.
1. She'd be a fool to put herself on your title - you're not engaged or married, you're not responsible with you job situation (quitting before finding other work), you're not looking for a job (blame it on the health issues - are you doing anything proactive...on meds or seeing a therapist?! Yes, she would be a fool, why should she lose her $7000 first home owners money just to be on your title?
2. She offered to pay the mortgage - well great, but don't you think as a man this should have a cutoff? How can you possibly let this girl work and pay YOUR mortgage? Whats in it for her? She loves you? Is that any way to justify someone using 90% of their income so you can 'figure' things out? You want to figure out your depression- rent out your house and move in with your parents. Don't use her like this.
3. She wasn't happy at home with her parents. So what point are you trying to make exactly here? She could certainly afford her own rental. She chose to move in with you. This point has NO merit. She insisted on paying because she has a huge heart. Five months later you outright quit your job and let her take over even more of the burden. Wonderful for you, not so much for her!
4. Expenses: $500 on hair extensions, color, cut, clothing; $300 show + dinner (entertainment), clothing, etc etc. YOu do realize this is completely NORMAL spending for a person in their 20's- life is fun and carefree. Most 20 something year old women are not supporting 36 year old boyfriends. She obviously has a great job, spending a 1/3 of her pay for fun stuff is normal. You are crossing all boundaries here. It is none of your business and your opinion is of little relevance here - your not her husband and your pretty much accepting charity from her.
5. Getting defensive regarding her expenses? The only reason she is getting defensive is because you are selfishly wanting her to pay all the bills. Her gut is telling her this is not right, she wants to spend on luxury items as any woman in her 20's does without feeling like her money and spending is now suddenly being monitored and controlled by her 'boyfriend'. NOT HUSBAND, boyfriend.
6. Why do you have access to her credit card balances/statements. She needs to stop doing this. Its none of your business. She wouldn't be carrying a balance if it wasn't for you sucking her wallet dry.
7. You said you're not going to 'rush it'. Once this girl is out of your life - you'll be rushing quick honey. She is the reason you can stay afloat right now. I recommend you rush things along because being at home isn't much help to you or to her. Get on meds, keeping doing therapy and find work. Otherwise you're life is going to be in crumbles before you know it.
8. I hope that she does stop paying you - her generosity has gone far enough. Your response gave me more insight into your personality and character - you are manipulative...she gifted you with a free ride for quite long enough. Its really time you step up. She obviously has a big heart, didn't need to do anything, but did...now its becoming a burden on her in addition to a form of control by you.
The girl is not an idiot - she can clearly see when a situation has evolved from helping out to being used and controlled. She shouldn't be paying more than $1000 for rent and food at your house. Period.
I highly recommend you find work, NOW.
And honey, just by reading his letter I can tell that he can be quite manipulative. Think long and hard about what your future will be like with him. hugs.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Yeah, I just read the OP's boyfriend's post too (wow, what a rare event!)
I stand by everything I've said here! You're not married to her, so you have no right and no entitlement whatsoever to be looking at her stuff. Her money, her credit, her choice independent of you. This means you should not be making a decision about quitting your job based on the money SHE makes. It's not your entitlement. It's not your business.
What *IS* your business is your money, your income, AND how much you and she agree to a reasonable amount of rent she pays to you. If you own the home, it's natural that she pays a reasonable amount because she enjoys and uses the house. Same with utilities, food, and travel expenses. That's the only thing you're allowed to have control over.
She could go on a $10,000 trip to Vegas, and all that matters is if she's paid her bills on time to you as the homeowner and to the utilities. You don't get to say a word about how she spends her own money. If you want that right, you marry her, and then it's community income and community expense and shared debt.
Which brings me to a decision you'll have to make here:
If her money values don't line up with yours, then don't marry her, because you'll fight over money even more than you do now. In marriages, there is such a thing called FINANCIAL infidelity. This means lying about purchases, credit, sneaking shopping trips and racking up a lot of debt or bleeding savings or retirement accounts dry. That can bust up a marriage just as fast as extramarital sex.
You need to re-think everything here. Get a job. Never quit one without having another one. You and she then hammer out how much she pays to use your house, the utilities, and groceries. You're not married, so you can't have the same rights as though you are. Her money isn't yours, and you don't answer to each other in your money decisions. If she racks up debt, it is NOT in your name. If she IS taking out credit in your name and spending it, that's fraud and it needs to stop.
You mentioned "THE" credit card. Is this your name? Did you open a joint one? Bad bad bad idea. Again, marriage! Get out of that as fast as possible. Have her open a separate charge account and pay off her share of the debt she racked on the shared one if it's shared. You likewise get your own CC and do the same. Then close the joint credit card.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but what you did with your job would make me wonder if you'd abandon her if she became pregnant. No mature person would just skip out on a job because things got hard. That's a red flag you CAN'T put on her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2013):
 OK I read the OP's boyfriend's anonymous post.
I like what Cerberus wrote and I stand behind my original statement.
1. quitting your job with out a new job to go to is foolish
2. OP seems to have impulse spending issues.
and what you two need to do is figure out how you both want to manage your money.... you can't be a couple if you don't do that.
either it's her money and she pays you rent and board and you have no say in her other spendings or it's all the household money and both of you have to adhere to a budget.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 May 2013):
"The reason I am paying his mortgage is because I want us to have a future together, what type of a future can we have if he is blacklisted? "
Obviously, this future is NOT that important to him. Otherwise he wouldn't have quit his job before he found a new one. Listen to him, look at his actions. YOU are paying because YOU don't want a bad credit. He obviously doesn't care if he gets a bad credit. He obviously doesn't care if you lose your first home guarantee. He doesn't care if he loses the house because he can't pay for it. HE DOES NOT CARE.
So, YOU are the only one working towards a future with him, he's just catching a ride, and who knows what his plans are. For the meantime, his plans look like sucking you dry of all your finances without any care for the future at all. Which is NOT marriage material.
Where would he go if he couldn't pay his bills? That's NOT your problem. He is an adult, it is his own responsibility to take care of himself, his responsibility to figure out where to go if he can't stay at his parents (but surely, he has friends, or there are places he can rent that are cheap, or he can sleep in a box on the street if he's really so irresponsible that he'd quit his job with no plan b).
It is NOT your job to be his MOTHER. It is not your job to keep him from getting black listed. If he cared, he would take responsibility. You paying his way will NOT make him more responsible.
Listen, either he is the man who wants to plan a future with you, who is responsible, who helps out financially and wants to keep his economy sorted out.. or he isn't. You paying his bills will never make him more financially responsible.
You need to move out and get your own place. You do not have a future with this man as long as he can not pay his bills. You do not owe it to him to pay his way, you are not married! In fact, he owes it to you to pay his fair share of the bills, which he doesn't. Because he's lazy. Yes, lets face it. He's lazy. That's why he quit his job, and that's why he doesn't have a new one. He's inactive, lazy, has no responsibility for his finances, and YOU want a future with him? Wake up, there is no future with this man. You can want it and wish for it, but the reality is right there: he doesn't want the same thing, he doesn't intend to work to get to the same goal as you, and he isn't worried about RUINING you and your dreams and your future.
He is mooching off of you. You have to end the relationship. Seriously. Read my article, please, because I was in a similar situation and I know how hard it is to put someone you love on the street. But you need to wake up to the truth: he is an ADULT, not a child. He HAS to take care of himself, and if he can't then he is NOT someone you can have an ADULT relationship with.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-avoid-being-used-financially.html
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 May 2013):
Hi
Nobody is holding a gun to your head, making you stay and pay are they?
You can move out, find a place of your own, your working and have a good income.
Some people do feel a job is just not important enough to ruin health and well-being and so leave.
If you had not been there your boyfriend would have to make other plans, so, if you move out and become independent now, he will have to sort out his own life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Okay, I didn't see that anonymous response before my last answer.
Yes anon, there are two sides but we can only deal with the one person who asks for our help and the side they give us. It's nothing personal as you're well aware.
If what you say is correct and if the situation as she sees it has merit then you both are at fault here but primarily you are.
With all due respect to you OP's bf, the rent thing is irrelevant, it's a gift you chose to let her stay rent free, you can't use that as any kind of bargaining chip as to why you should have access to her finances, you should have made her pay upkeep. The same as her paying your mortgage was an offer too which she can rescind. You don't get to quiz her or interrogate her on what she decides to spend her money on. You're not married, her money is her own to do what she pleases with it including paying your mortgage for you. You don't have a leg to stand on and can in no way call her selfish for it.
You're the one with the mortgage and who is now spending his time deciding what he wants to do.
You don't have that luxury if you want to keep your house. You go to great lengths to list what she spends her money on, if you think she spends too much on luxuries then you can't rely on her to keep a roof over your head. So why not get back out there and earn a wage while you're deciding what job would suit you best? Worried about depression? Well shit OP I'd be more worried about doing nothing and watching your finances get fucked, losing your house and your trapped feeling girlfriend leaving than I would about feeling sad for working cleaning toilets. If you don't like it you can move on to another job.
You should both should consider couples counselling or some kind of mediator OP.
The situation between you two is not workable. She's obviously not happy having to pay everything and then have you stick your nose in what she does with the rest of her money. The boyfriend obviously cannot rely on her to be financially stable enough to keep that roof over both your heads without getting into a load of debt for something he feels she shouldn't be spending her money on.
OP's bf, you need income. Whether you're on disability or social welfare, you need to have your own income. That's the only solution to this as it stands.
The missing piece here is the bf having an income. The OP obviously needs her luxuries to remain happy and in that sense can't even trust herself to be thrifty, but it's her money she can do what she likes, the bf needs money coming in from his side and can't afford to wait.
You need money, and you're not a teenager living at home that can take his time deciding. Get a job while you decide what to do, and continue your treatment for depression.
I wish you both the best and I hope your treatment works. I know how bad depression can be, I suffered from it for years, don't think for one second that not working is going to help that. Look at what it's doing that your partner felt she had to come ask strangers for advice and you stand to lose too much not to get up off your arse and soldier on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): He made a bad decision and he's taking out his frustrations on you. You are entitled to a little self-indulgence considering you're the bread-winner. I can only agree that you shouldn't rack up credit-card debt; because that isn't what you need in addition to trying to handle all your house-hold expenses; but I am not agreeing with him in any sense.
Some men tend to be resentful and feel emasculated when they notice his female partner or spouse showing independence. Buying something for yourself represented self-reward; and that to him interprets as: "she's doing for herself what I cannot do." Even if he wasn't the primary source of income in the household, he feels stupid; because he gave up his job without considering how it would affect the both of you.
He didn't prepare by having another job waiting, and used no foresight in handling his employment situation. He executed plan A with no plan B, or C.
He acted impulsively, and he wants to blame you in some way. His ego is bruised, and he has tripped over his own stupidity.
The thing that bothers him most, is that he feels you're thinking he is a loser and he has bad judgment. You would be right on both counts; although you would never uttered the words.
DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME ON THE MORTGAGE!!! Scrounge up all the money you can, and get the heck out of there.
He is trying to drag you down with him. He doesn't want to see you succeed where he has failed.
You have been generous and prudent well beyond your personal realm of responsibility.
You know now you can take care of yourself and someone else when things get touch.
What most men wouldn't do for a women with your fortitude and confidence! So many people would have bailed out, but you hung in there.
I hope you do decide to leave that situation; and I hope you'll find someone more deserving, and able to reciprocate the kindness and generosity you exhibited with your boyfriend. I know you can't shutoff your feelings like a faucet.
However; you have to do what is in your best interest, when you go out of your way to help someone out of love and commitment; and get no love or appreciation in return.
It is apparent that you have thought things out carefully and realize all ramifications. However; you can't jeopardize your mental health, credit, nor your livelihood; because someone else made a bad decision.
I have confidence that you will consider all the good advice provided and things will work out for the better.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): OP you have no future with a 36 year old stupid enough to leave one job without another source of income. A guy who hasn't retrained from his original trade which no longer has any work in it to one which does and then is forced to do shitty jobs because lack of qualifications.
OP money is the number one reason for the break ups of marriages to my knowledge. I think it even comes above adultery.
How can you have a future with a guy that age who still can't get his act together financially and at 36 leaves it his to his 26 year old girlfriend to pick up the pieces then treats you like a petulant daughter for buying leggings.
You're right though, don't tie yourself up financially in that house, but you need to make a now or never deal with him OP. He needs to understand that you can't be in a relationship with a guy who is keep piling debt on to you. He has to get a job in the next two weeks or you stop paying. If that's not enough for him to get up off his arse after you tell him how important it is for your future together then what future do you have.
I was wrong about you in my earlier post OP, I apologise, you're by no means an idiot. You have a lot of this stuff already worked out, but you're kind of living a bit too much in hope of a future when the present is fucked.
You need to protect your earnings now, and you need to make it clear you're not going to keep supporting him financially. You didn't sign up for a guy who won't pull his weight. I thought the mortgage thing would be a point he wouldn't consider but it looks like he's already offered you that so he can stay sitting on his arse living off of your money.
Unacceptable, and it's time you made your feelings clear OP.
Put any notion of thinking of a future together aside for now, it's not a reason to let him get away with this.
It's up to him not to get blacklisted and well OP, realistically? if he did, then that's no different to his situation right now at 36 relying on you for everything.
The only future you have is with a guy who gets his back to work, if he doesn't like the jobs that are available to him then he can go to college at night and retrain in something that he wants to do.
Otherwise all you have is a bum, who doesn't like doing the only jobs he can do, who relies on you to pay his way in life. how can that be a man who will be a good husband and father? Blacklisted is the least of your worries OP unless your plan is to be the bread winner here. If that's the case then you need to be the head of household too and be the boss because you're paying for it all.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2013):
What??
You said "He wants me to put my name on the mortgage, however, I have said no due to me feeling that I cannot rely on him. I need him to prove to me he can get a job and pay the mortgage every week. I don't want to put my name on something that will get me bad credit rating. "
Your name wouldn't be on the mortgage. It would be on the TITLE of the house, which is two separate things.
However, let's put all that aside. If you do not leave him permanently, then you are no smarter than he is. Men do not change, and you holding out and paying his way is supposed to change him? Not on your life. You are an enabler and a crutch, and your words say one thing, but your actions are saying that you want him to be exactly what he is.
NEVER pay money now thinking you're investing in your future. Not unless there is a marriage license and a ring already on your finger. This site is RIDDLED with the shattered financial lives of women who were bankrupted or used for thousands of dollars because they made the exact same choice as you for the exact same reason. Funny, often the guy gets a good job and then the cheating happens, or they take off leaving you bankrupt.
Get out of the relationship. It's nobody's place in a relationship to prove themselves to another, nor it it anyone's place to cause another to prove himself. If you even have to think in these terms with him, you need to end it. END it, or your career, your future, your dreams will be added to the carcasses of all the so-called career women lining the archives of Dearcupid.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 For the sake of argument, let us reverse the roles for a moment. What If it was he that worked etc. and she that goofed off all day and complained that she wanted beers. Would the question posed herein be percieved differently? Just try ing to keep it real as the kids say today. I think for me it would have hit me differently and I wouldn't have been so quick to think, "Well, that lazy creep mooch off her, she should kick him out. Think about it for a second.
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female
reader, Perthgirl +, writes (31 May 2013):
Perthgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe wants me to put my name on the mortgage, however, I have said no due to me feeling that I cannot rely on him. I need him to prove to me he can get a job and pay the mortgage every week. I don't want to put my name on something that will get me bad credit rating. Realistically, if we separated I wouldn't be asking him to sell his house to give me what he owes me anyway. He's 36 years of age, what would he do? Go back to his parents? He is a cabinet maker and there is no money in that. Where as i am 26 have a career and could go back to my parents no problem. Also, if I put my name on this house and end up leaving, I would lose my first home buyers grant from the government which is 7 grand. The reason I am paying his mortgage is because I want us to have a future together, what type of a future can we have if he is blacklisted?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Let me get this straight you're oh so intelligent boyfriend quit his job before ensuring he had another one lined up when he has a mortgage to pay and financial responsibilities he can't shirk? It's not the job he hated OP it's working for a living he hates. OP I've hated jobs and left them, but not before I had another lined up.
That's strike one for me.
It's been 7 weeks and he still hasn't got another? OP people from my country are leaving for yours in their thousands every year because that's where the work is. He has no excuse for not working, except that he has an utter fool to pay all his debts for him, pay off his house for him, and frankly a person who thinks the biggest issue here is a $20 pair of leggings is that much of a doormat that he can get away with this.
Strike two for me.
The last straw then is that he gives you shit about what you spend your money on because apparently you're selfish for not using everything you have to pay for his house?
Strike three.
You're screwed OP, someone who lets themselves get stuck in this kind of situation really is not going to have the strength to resolve it.
That's why he did all this OP because he knew the fool that you are would pick up the slack and he can just laze around and do nothing while you pay his way. Best of all is he's not going to pay you back either.
Easily resolved OP. "Honey, if you don't have a job by the time your next mortgage payment is due, I'm not paying it. If you want me to pay it while you're not working then I'll happily do so if you sign over half of the house to me, end of discussion babe, let me know what you decide in the next couple of days."
OP you're not married, he does not have the luxury of telling you what you can or cannot do with your money. He doesn't get to decide whether you buy shit or not. he doesn't get to have a say in any budget without a contribution to that budget. Anything you do for him financially is a gift and not an obligation.
OP the person who pays is in charge. If I'm paying for your meal I get to decide which restaurant we go to, if I let you choose that's a gift, I'm not obligated to let you decide shit when it comes to my money.
I honestly don't think you'll do anything about this though OP, he has you wrapped around his little finger and he's going to ruin you financially too.
7 weeks? I'd clean shit out of nightclub toilets just to make sure my mortgage was paid. but then again I've never had the luxury of a fool who will just pay my way in life and let me call her selfish for not spending all her money the way I think she should.
Or maybe I have but never knew because financially I've never taken the piss.
I'd have no problem doing what I suggested OP. If I'm paying for a house, then that better be my house too. So sign over half, or get a job or I'm not paying.
OP do you have a written contract or loan agreement with this guy for the thousands you're giving him? Or are you paying out of "love" and because he's your boyfriend. Please tell me you at least have it on paper that he owes you thousands, because if you don't you're not going to get it back.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2013):
Quitting a job because you do not like it is something 16 yr teenagers do. Grown men with responsibilities work a job they hate till they find one they can at least tolerate.
I assume if you quit you do not get unemployment insurance. Does he have ANY INCOME?
I would stop paying HIS Mortgage as that gets YOU nothing.
and I would stop buying HIS food.
If he has a mortgage and he's so deeply in arrears it sounds like he has money management issues.
it's YOUR credit card and your money and YOU are not married to him which makes a huge difference. IF you were married it might be different if you have fully combined funds.
The selfish one is him for QUITTING A JOB without a new one to go to.
IF you plan to stay with this man then you need to figure out how you are going to handle money....
things you do:
figure out if you think couples should combine or keep separate. (most folks say if you only live together do not combine but I think if you live together and "play house" or act married you should go 100% into it and I believe committed couples in the same home should share ALL money 100%) DO NOT do what does not feel right for you. DO NOT let him bully you
write a budget that allows for some fun and games and extras AND SAVINGS AND STICK TO IT. IF he's bad with money and you are not, then you handle the money.
He sounds immature and impetuous so I'm not sure he's the better choice, yet you sound like you purchase things on impulse (like I do) which is also NOT GOOD.
I'll share my personal story with you in case it helps:
I am a LOUSY LOUSY money manager. I know this. My first husband managed all our money and I stayed home with our kids. We did ok but money was tight and he said NO to everything. My mother always made sure I had a little EXTRA in my pocket for things like taking the kids for McDonald's or something once in awhile.
Eventually I got TIRED of hearing NO to everything (I want a new winter coat after 5 years of marriage amd two kids was met with "you had one when we got married.") the marriage ended and part of the issue was the abject denial of anything fun in our lives due to money worries (that we really did not have)
I cruise along for over 20 years... in debt over and over, bailed out a couple of times by my dad.. (bad move on his part) till I met my now current husband.
HE is an AWESOME money manager and I DEFER to him 100% on our spending.
WE sat down when we first got serious and talked about our money management styles and how a couple should manage money. THANKFULLY we were on the same page from day one that a couple combines their income and there is mine and yours.
when we wrote this budget my THEN boyfriend (now husband)
combined our salaries and started figuring out the "fixed" expenses
mortgage
utilities (gas/electric, phone cable etc)
transportation (gas for cars repairs for cars etc)
food
grooming (I am fiscally HIGH maintenance for grooming)
clothing
savings
stuff that you KNOW you will HAVE to spend over a year
then we talked about things I like and want that we have to budget for such as My starbucks card (that's mandatory for me) dinner out with my friends etc...
ALL of our weekly expenses are semi-flexible (where we eat lunch and what we spend on it) and EVERY Friday when we get home from work we both lay all our weekly receipts on the counter for the other to inspect. Originally it was just me who gave him my receipts because I felt the need to be held accountable and I OFFERED this to him as a way for him to know what's going on. He felt it was only right that we BOTH share our receipts.
Normally other than him freaking out at the cost of groceries (he gets over it) we have no issues.
I know that the first week in August we are budgeted for me to spend 500 dollars on clothes and accessories (my yearly shop)
I figured a few weeks back I could spend SOME Of it now. I bought a few things (under 200 dollars) and took them home and he told me "TAKE THEM BACK" and I could not understand why... I mean if I'm buying it in AUGUST why can't I have them now instead right? But he pointed out that we had NOT budgeted for them till August and it was only MAY and NO I COULD NOT HAVE THEM. I returned them.
three days later I said "I need a Kerratin treatment for my hair ($350) I figured he would say "can it wait?" BUT NO the comment was "sure it's BUDGETED for already"
I personally don't understand but I TRUST HIM to do the right thing and this husband does NOT begrudge me simple pleasures like dinner out with the girls or coffee at Starbucks a few times a week.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Are you serious?? I have to read your letter again... ARE YOU SERIOUS?
1. You have taken on $2000 worth of debt to help him get out of arrears over the last 5 months.
2. You have payed $2000 per month over the last five months towards his mortgage. Things were already difficult BEFORE he quit his job.
3. HE then quits his job - doesn't find another job BEFORE quitting. He now is off work & not REALLY looking for another.
4. So the pressure is more on you then ever...and YOU ARE THE SELFISH ONE?
5. SO now, you pay about $1450 per two weeks OR almost $3000 per month towards his mortgage, food, petrol...
This all while 1. YOu are getting into DEBT 2. You CANNOT make purchases for yourself 3. You are NOT building equity in your OWN house 4. You CAN't afford your own gas and put it on credit 5. YOu are NOT saving money for yourself.
I guess you might be rationalizing it as 'helping' him, that you live there and should pay your share, that this is only temporary...that you love him.
LISTEN, the only way this can possibly become temporary is if you stop supporting him. He needs to feel the heat to get his gear in motion and find work. He is absolutely selfish and Manipulative.
Things he can do:
1. Rent out rooms in his house to help out towards mortgage
2. Find another job QUICK
Things YOU SHOULD DO:
Move out, save your money and put it towards your own home where you can build equity from, quit being his financial crutch - he's getting too comfortable. You need to smarten up here - is he responsible enough to be a worthy husband, will he pull this crap again oneday when you're married with children? Is this the type of husband you want. YOu need to think about this situation and past situations with this man, because I bet that this is part of a pattern of his irresponsibility.
You're at an age where you need to start saving and building wealth. What if he isn't the prince charming that marries you - will you get your money back? He will reap the rewards of your hard labor while you won't have even a dime to show for it. You need to quit being an enabler.
When I was dating my now husband, he left his job in Chicago to move to California to be with me. I TOLD him before he moved that he should be looking for work, he didn't listen. He ended up out of work for 1.5 years because of the economy. I supported him for the first 6 months - while he gave himself 2 months off to watch soccer and then vacation and then look for a job. Six months later, he still didn't have a job...so he had to start paying for all bills (groceries, house bills, car bills, etc). I just paid for the rent. He ended up being very uncomfortable - spent $15,000 of his savings, but it gave him a kick in the ass to get moving and look for work. 14 months into his unemployment still NOTHING - so I broke off our engagement and kicked him out. Two months later he had a job with a prestigious company. It took some harsh love to get him responsible. He even matured from the situation, becuase he realized that even though I make excellent money, the expectation is for him to be responsible and a provider. He now wouldn't dream of just quiting his job like that again and is moving up in his company.
You need to be tough here. You need to do whats best for you, because with his personality type and maturity, he isn't doing whats best for you at all. You're a smart girl - earn ok money, you shouldn't let yourself get taken advantage of like this. You are nobodies fool. And don't let him sweet talk himself back into your wallet. He has 60 days and then your cutting him off - he has to get roomates and figure his own crap out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): if you've offered to help him then you cant complain really, if you have this issue and your name not on the deeds then you should stop paying immedietely as for the clothing you can buy what ever you like providing you can afford it but it sounds like things are very tight financially and now might not be the right time to be "treating", don't forget you're a partnership, you might be carrying the load now but if you ever were unemployed would he do the same for you if yes how would you feel if he used that as a reason to buy "treats" solely for himself, i think you both need some financial advice because the underlying issue here is that you're struggling financially and when these times come along the first thing to be curbed is all unnecesaryA Female Reader Jane0722
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reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2013):
Repeat after me:
BOYFRIEND, not husband.
BOYFRIEND, not husband.
BOYFRIEND, not husband.
You're paying HIS mortgage?! His debt? His gas for his car? And did you say that you're paying HIS mortgage? As in, you're tossing money into the equity of HIS house, leaving you vulnerable if the two of you breaks up and you out on your ear because the place is not yours?
You're NOT MARRIED to him, so he doesn't get one single say over how you spend YOUR money. Living together is not married. Change your passwords. He is not entitled to go through your statements.
You should run from the relationship, and I mean FAST. It's understandable that he wanted a change, but a mature person gets a new job before quitting the one they hates. I emphasize BEFORE, not 7+ weeks later. I wonder if he got fired to be honest.
Do not be his meal ticket. his mortgage is his problem. You are not married to him, so you are not obligated to support him, and he is not entitled to say WORD ONE about what you buy or don't buy. Don't get all weak sister and say "but I love him and don't want him to blah blah blah". No. This guy didn't fall off of a roof and break both of his legs. He just dropped his job, his livelihood, and that is his problem. He calls YOU selfish, yet he simply dropped his job because he didn't feel like doing it anymore?
Yeah. You need to seriously get out of this. He is too familiar with your personal information, and this is the part when many people find out that their "loving" boyfriends or girlfriends start taking out secret credit cards in your name and charge them up. He is not considering you with the same care you're considering him, or he wouldn't have dropped his job without another to go to. *THAT* is selfish.
Run, and never ever ever get in this kind of situation where a guy who is NOT your husband has any say over your personal finances. If you move in with a guy again, keep everything separate. Separate accounts, separate savings, separate investments, separate debts, and portions for bills. Always remain self-sufficient.
Finally, you put yourself in a bad position paying his mortgage. You get nothing back, and you might as well blow up your bank account now, because you'll get NOTHING back for it. No marriage means no financial protection. You pay, he keeps 100% ownership with no claim from you whatsoever.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Dump this loser before he makes you bankrupt.
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