A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am so tired of being alone. i am 20 years old and i have never had a boyfriend or done anything with one. i am not an emotional person but lately when i watch chick flicks or see a couple walking by holding hands, i tear up and feel this deep hole inside me. i pray every day that god will send me a nice decent man but it never happens. and i absolutely HATE when my friends tell me that it will happen when i least expect it. that is probably the worst relationship advice out there. it just gives false hope to others when you dont know what else to say. all i want is ONE nice man but it never works out for me. other girls get guys one after another and i think this is very unfair. i put myself out there and guys will flirt but they never ask me out. im beginning to think im going to be a cat lady. what can i do to fix this? i do not want to be alone but so far thats the card life has dealt me. and please dont tell me to take up new hobbies. i have plenty of those and im going to college. if i cant fix this is there any way i can learn to accept being alone? i dont want to be depressed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 October 2009):
It's more about having confidence in yourself. When appear confident and approachable, guys will feel more at ease speaking to you. Focus on being confident in yourself and happy, and you'll find that guys will see you more. Try speaking to them, even if it leads only to friendship, because you'll feel more confident and you'll be more open. Then the right guy will come along.
A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (11 October 2009):
Your friends have it a bit right. It really does happen when you least expect it. That doesn't mean you should just sit around and wait for something to happen, but you don't have to emotionally exhaust yourself from looking for guys.
LazyGuy has some good points in that you have to learn to be happy with yourself. Be dependent. You wont feel acomplished at all if you're dependent on a boyfriend once you get one.
Be positive, have confidence, don't weigh so much on having a relationship. Guys will want to approach you if you seem mellow and confident instead of down and desprate. Act like the guys around you are no big deal, don't totally give them the cold shoulder, but like LazyGuy said, it's good to not be overly friendly when you're looking for someone.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 all i want is ONE nice man but it never works out for me. other girls get guys one after another
Read this bit VERY carefully. Because either you are lying or you are not to smart.
You want just ONE nice man.
Your girlfriends get ONE guy AFTER another.
Now, WHY is this? Two options:
A. They are much sexier then you and get all the attention.
B. None of their guys are nice and so they get their hearts broken time after time by guys who use them only for sex.
Because if your gf's got what you want, they wouldn't be getting endless guys would they? Why do all their relationships fail? Do you want to chalk up a number of failed relationships?
The mating ritual is a very complex one. I don't know what it is like to be a woman, so let me try to give you an example from a male perspective.
You must want her, but not be needy. Show your feelings, but not be a crybaby. Be though, but gentle. In command, but not dominating. Respect her indepence, but want to make her yours.
Balancing this, is hard or perhaps even impossible. What woman want is a man with multiple personalities they can switch between as suits the moment.
For men, the biggest scare factor, is a woman who is to desperate. That only attracts guys who want to control.
If you don't learn to be happy on your own then you put an enormous pressure on the guy straight from the start to be entirely responsible for your happiness. Scary stuff.
What do you imagine having a bf is like? Are you going to be one of those girls who send messages and letters all the time, telling him how much you need him and how he is your entire life and he is going to answer and sing songs about you are his moon and sky? Is that what your gf's got in their relationships? What are you going to do when he is not around? Pine away like a puppy waiting for its master?
Not only do most men find that scary, you are going to end up pretty frustrated, people can be lonely in a relationship.
So, you are still going to get the old advice you do not want. Get a hobby and learn to be, if not happy, then at least content. You need to get to the point where you don't NEED a man to be happy.
As for practical, getting asked out advice. We all send messages, often without thinking about it. What message do you send to the males around you?
If you are to friendly, it could send the message you are comfortable around them because you are not thinking of them as potential mates, just co-workers.
If you are to shy, could send countless messages, from "I am not intrested" to "I find you frightening"
If you got a male friend who is not a potential bf, ask him.
But also get back to the first question I asked. Why do you think it is better to go through endless bf's looking for mister Right then to not date, while looking for mister Right?
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