A
male
age
36-40,
*arvin-jay
writes:I was fresh out of university, have a great degree, just landed a great job, and was ready to settle down. I met a girl in a club one night, and she caught my attention. We danced all night, then exchanged numbers. We started calling each other, and soon after started dating. All this time she had a boyfriend, but he was a rebound guy for her after her first relationship, which she did not fully get over until she met me. Sh.e left him for meShe started sleeping over by my aprtment about 3 months later, every now and again. But three months into the relationship I still felt like she was not the girl for me. I am from a family of conservative church goers, and of all my sibbling, and cousins, I am the only family member who parties, uses curse words, drinks occasionally, and smoke an occasional cigarette. Under normal circumsances, I would not have dated my girlfriend. She has tatoos all over her body, she smokes, and she drinks, and she parties like a rockstar..she was not my ideal woman, or a woman I could take home, my family would smirk at me. I also found some things about her that i didnt really like..she was quick tempered, but her anger is of a different kind. She is also very vindictive and get get very hurtful. I tried breaking up with her several times, becuz if something happened, or of we had a bad argument, becuz I did not want to come out and tell her I was not sure about the way I feel for her...and that I wasnt sure if I really love her...I felt she would be too hurt, becuz she was really in love with me. If she told me she loved me, I found it hard to say "I love you too", it felt like an effort. we went thru the motions, and my feelings for her were not growing as strong as hers was for me. She started sleeping my apt even more regularly, however, and I enjoyed having the company. She suggested that we get out own aptment and I agreed, becuz it was a nicer apt. This was when things got bad. We argued every day, bitterly, and I tried to avoid her most of the time, by being on the internet, or leaving the house. at this point, I convinced myself I did not love her. Then I suggested we break up, and go our separate ways. Things went down really bad, and even caused some rift within her family. We still kept in contact...but she initaited most of the time...if three days went by and she didnt call, I would email her, or call her. It may seem comfusing to you, it confuses even me, I was kinda happy to be out of the situation, and not have her in my life to a large extent, but i wanted her there, for some reason, none-the-less. for 2 months she tried to get me back...i was nonchalant about it...when she called I answered the phone if i wanted, if not, i didnt. when we talk, i wud cut the conversations short...she wud get angry, and say extrememly hurtful stuff, when i wasnt giving her the kind of attention she needed.Anyways...for the last few days..i hang out with a number of girls...but I cudnt get my mind off of her...i wud hang with girls then come home and call her...as soon as i hear in her voice that she still is madly in love with me, I end the conversation, and go to bed smiling. It is selfish, I know. Then I decided I must really have something in my heart for her, and started to draw closer to her (as I felt like she was pulling away)...only to realize, over one weekend, the very weekend i decided to tell her i wanted us to start over...she has found somebody new..a guy who was always asking her to give him a chance, she finally decided to give him a try. Now, I am devastated. I felt heartbroken to the highest degree. Now, I feel very guilty about the way i treated her, and not giving her the love she deserved becuz I wasnt feeling it at the time...and then all the things i hated about her became negligible. All of a sudden, I want my girl back, lock-stock-and barrel. I honestly think I am somewhat crazy, becuz what is happening to me now is so confusing me. Is it my ego? is it that I cant stand the fact that she doesnt want me anymore? Do I love her?...is it that I felt confortable in the reassurance that she loved me, and would come back if I just said the word, why I had her asking for 2 months for us to get back together, and me consistently saying no, not yet? I really need to clarify the way I feel, cuz it doesnt make sense.
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cousin, exchanged numbers, get back together, heartbroken, smokes, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Marvin-jay +, writes (17 October 2009):
Marvin-jay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Jand_Z and Starlights. You are both right. I have always had second thoughts about our relationship..becuz there was so much areas she needed to become matured in, and was never the woman I had ever pictured myself being with, but I was lonely. Maybe becuz there is no one in my life now why I want her back...better to have someone than no one...I am being selfish, to her and myself...and must snap out of it...and wait for the right person for me. Thank You.
A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 I agree with jand_z , this doesnt sound like love to me.
Fighting constantly is never a healthy sign in a relationship and if you loved her you would have realised a long time ago.
You had your doubts about this girl from the start and its more than likely its your ego that is hurt not your heart.
Your confused about all this but remember things happen for a reason, so let her go and move on with your life by learning from whats happened.
Hope this helps & Goodluck!
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A
male
reader, jand_z  +, writes (17 October 2009):
man i'm sorry.this is confusing and it does hurt because you are not clear in your feelings and what you want. in a way you can view her as an addiction, a bad addiction. from the sounds of it you were vulnerable and she came along and got the best of you.now you are obsessing about what happened and blaming yourself if you did anything wrong. the only thing you did that was wrong is not follow your "other" feelings. She didn't feel right to you. until you can accept that, you will have a tough time getting over this and letting her go.sorry man, im sorry because i been there and am still there to a certain degree.
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