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*iwi
writes: I have this friend named Shay. She's a tomboy but my boyfriend thinks she's gay and sometimes I do too. But I constantly beg her "can i give you a makeover, find you a dress or skirt and fix her your hair?" But when she does try to look like a girl she still looks like a boy. She and I are both in the 11th grade and when we are in school people think we together that makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. My boyfriend hates to be around her but she is my best friend and I want her to have a boyfriend also. I knew her since the 6th grade. So what should I do to help her?
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female
reader, ruth niyonzima  +, writes (25 May 2012):
i'm also a tomboy. i came from africa a few weeks before and i have not yet started school. i heard that when you go to school with your hair cut, everybody laughs at you. i want to look like a girl, but no matter how hard i try, i look more like a weird boy. i don't want to wear a wig, i just want to be myself. i'm not gay either. just continue being shay's friend and never mind your boyfriend, ok? anywhere, i'm just 16 years old.
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female
reader, tori221 +, writes (16 March 2009):
I know how you feel i have a friend just like yours. I think you should still be friends with her which is more inportant your friends happiness or you happiness as my princbal says:
Jesus 1st
Others 2nd
yourself 3rd
Put Jesus first and put others before you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Im glad you want to help your friend thinking about whats best for her but if she seems happy being a tomboy just let her be one. theres nuttin wrong with it but dont you think you care a little more about your rep a little more than her? its very shallow to call your best friend gay and be ok with your boyfriend saying the same. just cuz she's a tomboy doesnt mean she's gay. i think you should stop caring what other ppl think and just be friends with her and if your boyfriend has a problim with it you gotta decide who u want have: a once in a lifetime best friend or a boyfriend who come and go and come bak again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I am a tomboy my friends and family think I am gay . I can`t tell them about the boy I like . What can i do
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Every girl isn't a “girly girl.” They just aren't. Some girls are just not into “feminine” things. There is nothing wrong with that. Some women are feminine, masculine, and androgynous. That's what makes the world diverse. And just because she's not really girly, it doesn't mean she's gay necessarily (And if so, so what?). You can be a masculine girl and be straight or a feminine girl an be gay. Don't worry about her sexual orientation and don't bother her about make-overs. Don't pressure her to have a boyfriend. Let her be herself. Ignore the people who jump to conclusions.
And if I were you, I'd rethink whether I would want to keep my boyfriend. If he dislikes your friend because of how she looks, he's extremely shallow and shouldn't be someone you want to be around. She doesn't need help. You need to open your mind and accept that everyone is different. You are who you are and she is who she is. Don't try to change her. Just enjoy spending time with her. Looks aren't the most important thing when it comes to a friendship. Having fun and being their for your friend are the most important things. As long as you guys are doing that, you have no problems. If she wants to have a make-over or a boyfriend, she will come to you for guidance. If you keep pressuring her to change who she is, she might stop being friends with you, and I know you don't want that.
Everyone who keeps saying “well, take her shopping and give her a make-over for her birthday” or “well, she should embrace her femininity” is giving HORRIBLE advice. Let her be herself and you'll both be fine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Yes, i am a tomboy too and i agree with the above. And if she really is your friends, you would stop thinking shes gay, unless you have proven facts. And if you know shes not gay, and your boyfriend does, do you really believe it? i am NOT trying to get you to break up with your boyfriend, i would never say that, but just ask yourself, " who do i treasure more, and will we will still be together ( as friends or your boyfriend) in 2 years ? "
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Hey I've been a tomboy for ever since I can remember. I'll keep this nice and short. You shouldn't be caring about what other people think of her. She doesn't mind. Why should you? Secondly, if she really IS your friend, let her stay whatever way she wants. Let her be herself
Trust me, I have people bothering me about how I dress. It's not cool. Nobody likes that. If you are a true friend, act like a true friend, and stop being sooo conscious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): i know what you mean but on yhe plus side theres a girl shes in year 11 shes a tomboy and i really want to become her friend but im in year 7 but shes the only girl in the girls school i go to who acts like a proper tomby so i asked my friend to help me become her friend its all gonna happen on monday cant wait it might be what ive been waiting for
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): i too am a tomboy, and all the time my friends try to change me, and i have come a long way since then, but i have on my own. The more my mother tried to change me the more i rebelled, and the more my friends tried to change me the more i went the other way. However on my own i slowly started dressing more femenine, but however i still am much more tomboyish than most females. In addition, the transition from tomboy to "stereotypical female" has to be a slow one, no one wants to create a big hype, or feel as though they are conforming. You should just let your friend be, i bet it would really mean a lot to her to have someone on their side, especially since it seems as though most of the kids at school are making fun of her. In addition, if your friend is gay, just learn to accept her, it's the hardest thing to come out and be open with your peers. If your boyfriend is giving you a hard time about her, maybe he is harbouring some deep insecurities, so as a result he bashes your friend as he might feel threatened by someone who seems like a male being so close to you...if that is the case which i hope it isn't, then thats sad. So n e way, i guess all i'm saying is let Shay be, and be a good friend no matter what.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): let your friend do what she wants and maby your boyfriend isnt a ggod one because he should acept your friend for who they are bye the way a good bff wouldnt call her bff gay
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): my friend is having the same trouble. Her boyfriend really likes her, but sometimes wishes that she was more of a girly girl. She hangs out with his buddies, and i think that is wat has changed her. we r on the same boat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): I am a tomboy. I am afraid to change because if I do people will make comments because of a sudden drastic change. Maybe help explain that the change is truely for the better. Also ask why she does not want to change. You can help her cope with her inside as well as her outside. As for the fact that your at a Christian school, so am I. Ignore the mean kids there, they aren't really Christians. And help your friend remember, there is more than just those mean kids in that small school of yours, there is a whole world out there ready to see her as who she truely is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): i am also a tomboy like your friend and i think you should... Let her get on with her life. if she wants to a tomboy then let her. aslong as she is happy you should be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): Ok I myself is a tomboy and i know what it feels like to have a friend bother you about not being a girly girl. It doesn't feel good it brings your self considence down and thats probley the LAST thing that you want to do to her. She may change, who know. one year she could be playing football with the boys and in the next few year she could LOVE shopping and wear makeup.... My friend bothered me SOOO much that i started wearing makeup and i HATED it now every once and a while i wear Dark eye liner but rarely. If you REALLY care about her then just let her be her.I also know what it's like to be called gay. Me and my friend were called gay because we hung out so much and I looked like a boy(me, my friend, and the people that called us gay went to the SAME CHRISTIAN school)She's her own person if you care then you will help her inbrace it not destroy it!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2005): It seems to me, and I might be wrong, that you seem to want to change your friend not because you care, but because of your own personal homophobia, and your fear that your friend is gay. You stated people thinking you two are together makes your "stomach turn", and its seems everything in your passage is about what you want. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is her life. What you want her to do should not come into play. Let her life her life the way she wants, not to fuel your prejudice against homosexuals or to perfect your little world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2005): if your friend is very athletic explain to her that girls can be athletic and not dress like boys. In fact to have athletic girls dress like boys is almost being sexest towards your own gender. Girls dont need to become more like men to be athletic. Your friend is a girl and it is important for her to imbrace her "girliness". However if your friend is content with who she is and doesnt want to change her appearence isnt it just enough that she is a girl at heart. What is more important to YOU someone's appearence or personality. You love someone's personality you are only acustomed to their appearence. If your friend is content with who she is, and if you are a true friend you will learn to see past her boyish look and except her personality as girl enough.
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (5 June 2005):
 You say you're Shay's best friend, so BE a best friend. Stop bothering Shay about her looks. Who cares what other people think? I would say that you are being VERY shallow. You are Shay's best friend and it seems she needs you now more than ever for your support and all you're doing is cutting her up like dog meat. Look dear, boyfriends come and go, but a best friend comes once in a lifetime. I believe you need to figure out what's more important to you. High school is such a tough time, but it doesn't last. When you graduate into the "real" world, you will soon see all the petty stuff you didn't see before. That's when you will wish you didn't turn your back on your friend. I hope you take heed to my advice because I speak from experience. To this day, I cannot re-gain the one best friend I miss and loved most. Don't make the same mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2005): I think that it's really sweet that you care about your friend enough to do that, but if she wants to continue dressing the way she does, you should let her. Maybe you could give her a few tips, like wear a little makeup, and get her hair cut a different way. Have a sleepover with some of your other friends, and give each other makeovers, make each other feel better about themselves. If you do try to give your friend tips or fix her hair or something like that, try not to be too forceful about it. Things will work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2005): who are you to tell this person what to look like? She is her own person and if she wanted to dress more girly. Even if she is gay what difference would it make? The only reason u want ur friend to look more girly is to make urself feel better because u are ashamed to be seen with her in public. What the hell kind of friend are you?
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reader, confused_gurl +, writes (1 June 2005):
Well, first of all, consider this. Does your friend even want to look more girly?? I know that I used to be like that, and I had a boyfriend for almost a year. But then I grew out of it, and I decided that I liked some of the more girly things. Maybe she doesnt want to change, maybe she likes herself the way she is. And if she does, then forget about all the people who say she looks like a boy, and just be a friend to her. That's all she needs. But if she does want to change then for her birthday or something make a trip to a salon and get each of you makeovers. And be there for her, because I have a friend who decided to grow out of her tomboyish ways and she got made fun of for it. So just be there for her whatever she decides.
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reader, helpfulhand +, writes (31 May 2005):
For your birthday you could organise a trip to the nearest spa and get her and you both glammed up professionally. This will stop you hurting her feelings and she can't say no if it's for your birthday.
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reader, megz x-x +, writes (31 May 2005):
 I know you think you're doing the right thing but maybe it's you who have the problem? She seems happy as she is and will come into herself eventually... Just because you don't dress girly it doesnt mean that you're gay. If she really is your friend you shouldn't let it bother you. The more worried you get the more it will look like you ve got something to hide. But if you really want her to experiment, why not try and throw a subtle makeover party? With a lot of people so it doesnt look to obvious? Then take her out to show off her new looks...when she gets some attention she'll soon come into her own style x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2005): Hi, Does your friend think she is attractive? If she is not gay, then the reason for her not taking care of her appearance maybe because she lacks self esteem - I was the same when I was a teenager - I wouldn't dress up because I just thought i wasn't attractive anyway so what was the point?Seems silly now, but this may be the case with your friend. I don't know if there's much you can do about it, but sometimes when my friends wanted to give me a makeover it actually lowered my self esteem because i thought they were saying that I was unattractive and needed to wear more make up, fix my hair and clothes in order to be attractive.Maybe find another way of helping her - perhaps go shopping, and pick out clothes and make up which you think would suit her and say "hey, you should get this, you'd look gorgeous in it", or look through hair magazines with her and say similar things about hair styles, but don't be too pushy about giving her a makeover.Also, maybe find out if she likes any boys? Maybe she'll do it to attract a boy she likes?Hope this helps.
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