A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,The man I'm with is a liar, he lies frequently and sometimes over ridiculous things I never know what's real what's not. He was married and even lied about his exes age to me until divorce papers arrived and I seen her age. He's got a temper and freaks out over petty things. Especially if I stand up for who I am as he always thinks I'm chatting with men or at a males house which I never have done. He tells me he's the man and to know my place in this relationship. He's thrown things right by me to intimidate me, pinned me down, ripped my jacket cause I tried to leave and if I want to break from him he cries like a boy. He's called me another womens name no he doesn't work with any females or has any family members by that name. I asked him outright r u seeing someone? Of course he said no which I had expected but my gut tells me different. He has gambling issues too I keep begging he gets help he promises yet nothing happens. He has a very nice side too cooks for me gives me compliments, makes me feel very loved sometimes. I'd like to feel loved always though. The controllingness has tamed a bit the first two years were the worst. He's learning gradually I need my own life as well as sharing my life with him. What I mean by my own life is interacting with other females. I do love him but it scares me as I feel sometimes we will never have a good life based on his lies, being controlling, and gambling. One part of me wants to give it everything I have to make us work. The other side has given up and I don't know what to do.
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divorce, gambling, his ex, liar Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): You cannot trust the word of a liar. You cannot even have a proper conversation or ask anything. Even if its the truth you still dont know. Liars make bad partners.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): Hi, I read this with personal interest, I know what its like to be with someone who behaves like this. He is a SOCIOPATH!! A control freak!!You will never feel good with this man, yes there may be days when he makes you feel better,that is what sociopathic control freaks do!! They have a way of making you feel guilty and beholden to them. They make you feel that they can't get through life without you, and all the time pulling you down deeper and deeper into despair along the way.Before long you will feel worthless and assume that you can't live without this man, he is cunning, he knows what he is doing!! It will only ever make HIM feel good, never you.I have the same problem and I'm ashamed to say, I love him, I aslo understand what makes him tick,every time I tell him to leave me alone, he comes on stronger with the 'I can't live without you' talk. It makes you feel wanted and loved and desired, but only for a short while, and NEVER in the right way.Then the worthless feelings are there again.No-one should go throught life feeling that way!!You are a person in your own right, you deserve the love you give to come back to you in the same way.You deserve to feel safe, you deserve never to have a gut feeling that is not right, I know that feeling, it is crushing.If your gut feeling tells you there is someone else, please go with it, listen to it. Along with all the other things from this man which are not right, you are very probably right about that too. Do Not think yourself as paranoid, this man is torturing you mentally and by the sound of it, physically too.Get out, and get out fast, he does not understand love, he will mimic it, but he will never feel it. Your 'relationship' is not real.That is NOT your fault, it is his.For your own sanity, please leave this man and find someone who makes you feel good every day, your gut will tell you when you are with someone who is true to you.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 October 2011):
 The problem with this type of relationships is 'everything [you] have' is exactly what you'll have to give it and WHEN it doesn't work out, you'll have virtually nothing left for yourself.
Healthy relationships do not require people to give 'everything they have'. They're supposed to enhance your life, not dominate it and define who you are.
Time to cut your losses with this one and move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 No, you wont be happy, because this man isn't interested in making YOU happy. He's only interested in making himself happy. Remember where he thinks your place in this relationship is: below him.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 If what you post here is true, then I see no reason for you to even consider staying with him. With all these "virtues", I think the vast majority of women would have left by now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 The OP said:
"The man I'm with is a liar, he lies frequently and sometimes over ridiculous things I never know what's real what's not"
THIS is a deal breaker for me.... my last husband lied about everything. it's a self-esteem issue for him. but it makes him untrustworthy and not worth the effort
The OP said:
"He's got a temper and freaks out over petty things."
NOT cool... and not safe... BTDT... an angry man is a destructive man.. if he's not destroying you (physically or mentally) he is destroying your things...
The OP said:
"He tells me he's the man and to know my place in this relationship."
OH REALLY???? OMG I don't even know what to say to you about this... relationships are 50/50 or 100/100 NO one is in charge by virture of their anatomy and if that was the case the truth is most of the time WOMEN are the ones truly in charge...
The OP Said:
"He's thrown things right by me to intimidate me, pinned me down, ripped my jacket cause I tried to leave and if I want to break from him he cries like a boy."
one of these days he will hit you with the things he throws right by you to intimadate you.. he should NOT be throwing things for any reason and to intimidate you is just wrong.. physically restraining you is abuse. ripping your clothing is abusing you and mental manipulation of you is emotional abuse...
The OP Said:
"I do love him but it scares me"
is that any way to live?
you are young... I am not sure that staying in a relationship with a man that abuses you physically and emotionally is a great idea....
Love is not always enough.
you need faith
you need communication
you need honesty
you need trust.
do you have any of that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): If possible run from this man fast. I was in a very similar situation and had things ended sooner I might not be so devastated. There are certain types of people who just lie, what I mean is who is he? Does he know? If someone has to lie for no reason they are confused and hiding something.Pathological liars/' sociopaths destroy lives everyday,they make u feel like ur their everything and promoise u everything,next thing u know u are alone or stuck in love with a person who doesnt even know themselves, then they blame it on you. People like that are emotional leaches,and thrive on the way THEY feel.If u are in doubt..there a good reason. I still ? whether or not I will ever trust again,but things coulld have gotten worse,please access what this person really offers and what u witness as sacrifices they make to show love.
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A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 He sounds like he has a lot of his own problems. He is very possessive and paranoid over losing you, perhaps because of his last divorce he's scared that it'll happen again?But that doesn't make it right, what he's doing is controlling you and trying to manipulate you to make himself feel more comfortable in this relationship.If you want to be more comfortable and make it work, then you need to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him to stop getting so jealous and suspicious of you. And as far as him pinning you down and throwing things at you - that is abuse. You should NOT be standing for that. If you want to give him another chance, tell him that if he does it again that you will leave him and never come back. Personally I think any man that harasses and scares his partner like that doesn't deserve and isn't ready to be in a relationship.It's up to you to decide if his good sides outweigh his bad side and if there is much chance that he will change his ways to keep you. Best of luck
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