A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had been in a relationship for 8 years with my now ex. We were supposed to be getting married and so I guess the guilt got to him. He admitted sleeping with 3 other woman. The last one was two years ago when he was 22 and the first was when he was 18. We've been together since 16.He said each one was a one night stand on holiday or a weekend away he didn't get their numbers or even remember their names because APPARENTLY it wasn't about finding someone else or not being happy it was that he needed to sleep with more people before selling down. before me he had slept with 3 girls I understand at 16 that doesn't really count as experience. He was my first everything apart from kiss. I trusted this man with my life. If someone said to me if you answer this question wrong you'll die... Has he cheated on you I would of said no. I know that might be nieve but why be in a relationship for so long without trust I've always prided myself on it, I've never told him he can't do something I've never snooped never questioned him or his friends and vice versa. He was such a fantastic boyfriend we had the most amazing 8 years he treated me fantastic as I did him. I can't explain how happy I was with it. I know we were together young and what upsets me the most is just after the first time he cheated on me I was going to uni and asked him if he's still happy to continue this long distance and we did I saw him every two weeks he could of dumped me guilt free then I gave him an out and he might not have ruined my life. He still wants to get married I've called it off I will never be in a relationship without trust and he tells me I should trust him because he told me about it what a load of BS it took him 6 years (from the first time) and God knows if he's even telling the truth now.My problem is not whether to trust this man but how can I ever move on and trust someone again I want to be the girlfriend I was to him because I was great I am great and there's someone out there who in the future deserves that from me but I'm so scared i'll never trust again I dont trust anyone anymore only my dad, how crazy is that it's just so scary to know how wrong you can be about a person. How can I trust people again?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 I am sorry for what he has put you through, but you have done the best thing by leaving him. You are right you won't be able to trust him again. You don't trust anyone at the moment because off him, but you will, in time you will learn to trust again. You were not naive, he was just a good liar. He is at fault not you. You where a good girlfriend he ruined it all.
Just give yourself time now, time to heal and accept what he has done, time to rebuild your life and to trust people again.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2016):
 Yes, you will trust again. It does not seem possible right now because the wound is fresh and raw, but in time , trusting again will be not only the more natural, but also the more sensible choice.
It's like....
the world is a dangerous place, just going out in the street entails dangers. There are bad people around, and I don't just mean extreme cases like terrorusts, serial killers, or serial rapists- but also, simply , people who jeopardizes your safety and belongings. Thieves, muggers, pickpocketers, swindlers . Drunk drivers !.
You know , in the back of your mind, that these people do exist , and that you could meet one any time, any day, behind any street corner , - it's enough for you to read your local daily newspapaper to realize that.
So what do you do ? Barricade yourself inside your house , to make sure you won't ever be robbed or assaulted or pickpocketed ? Of course not. You go to work, you go shopping, you go to the movies, you run errands...... You take of course all the possible precautions to stay out of harm's way,- but then you just cross your fingers, hope for the best and carry on living your life.
Ditto for love matters. Not all people are liars and cheaters. Yes, some are. Maybe even many. But that's not a reason to deprive yourself of the possibility of loving and being loved, of giving and receiving affection, companionship, sexual gratification, etc. You'll do your choices with due diligence, of course, to the best of your knowledge (... using your head, and not just your heart, or your senses ... ) and that's all you can do , because you can't have any ironclad 100 % guarantee of success, in love OR in any other area of your life. So , you hope for the best, and you go on loving and living your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2016): You were truly devoted to this guy and had a very happy long-term relationship. Until you discovered the bad news, you still have wonderful memories. You have a powerful capacity to love.
The fact is, being with someone so long (basically since you were kids); someone is likely to wonder what it's like to date or see other people. Temptation will even try a real marriage.
It is not likely you'll find someone totally faithful since the age of 16, and continuously 8 years thereafter. You weren't married, but young girls tend to treat their relationships like marriages. Expecting total faithfulness without vows. Guys don't think like that. Especially when boys are that young. That doesn't mean all guys will cheat on you, and I think you might be pushing the dramatics about it a bit.
Were you engaged two years ago? I think the odds play against young relationships to begin with, and hoping he can hold out 100% faithful until he is 22 years old is quite frankly reaching for the stars.
Gender has nothing to do with cheating. Females cheat also.
Not trusting all men because one guy cheated on you is a childish mindset. Maybe you ducked a bullet now knowing he is a cheater; but you should have allowed yourself to date other guys to gain more experience about males; and allow yourself to meet more personality-types before settling for only one since you were only 16. You would have been stronger and more prepared to deal with the outcome.
You need more time to mature before marriage if you have now developed intense trust issues. There is no relationship without trust. In my wisdom I know that it is somewhat unrealistic to think someone is going to be totally faithful from the age of 16 to 24. Male or female.
People make mistakes. Just because you did, doesn't set the rule or standard for everybody else.
You will get over this. Just don't jump into another relationship with anyone until you are. If you feel this has traumatized you to the degree you describe, the insecurity will not allow new relationships to work. So allow yourself plenty of time to heal.
This will toughen you over time. The stinging pain of betrayal runs deep when you have trusted someone for so long, and care for them so deeply. I've been there, and I have also been cheated on before. I survived it, and went on to better and healthier relationships. I even remained with my partner who cheated on me, for another 23 years after that incident. He passed away, but more than made up for that mistake. I forgave him. I love him to this day. We met when we were 17. Like yours, it grew into a full-fledged adult relationship. So sweetie, I've been in your shoes.
I think truthfully you may have been with the same guy too long. This is fate and destiny stepping in to push you along a different path; and towards someone else who may be better for you. His destiny may be taking him along another path as well. This happens in love and relationships. You both may find someone better for you in the end. That's just how life works sometimes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2016): OP here forgot to save the verification code very sorry. I think due to the title dear cupid chose people are misinterpreting my question it is not men that I blame I feel like I can't trust ANYONE because of how wrong I got it with the love of my life I know there are amazing people out there and that is why I said in my question I know there will be a guy that deserves the best of me but how will I know who to and not to trust. Thank you for your answer honeypie he's blocked out of my life I've given my Landlord a month's notice and rent and now have no reason to speak to him again I'm back living at my mum and dad's for a while to sort things out. I appreciate how long you've taken to help me so much!I don't want to be in a trust less relationship so its over for good no going back I'm young I'm going to enjoy time being single. Once again thank you so much for all your answers
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 My advice is what would you say to a guy who had same thing happen to him and he asked that very same questions you just asked us? I am assuming your answer would be not every girl is the same, there are absolutely amazing people out there who wont abuse your trust.
Thats my answer. That was an amazing 8 years with a boyfriend who is, I will say, just one dude out of 3.5 billion men on this planet. Arent you kind of blaming them all on what one person did to you? Its far fetch, unfair and pretty mind blogging childish.
What I will say is, Im sorry he abused your trust but hes one person out of million and billions of people. He also spent 8 years with you, not any guy did that. It must hurt a lot and your decision to stay and forgive or leave him is entirely up to you but it is independent on how other people will treat you.
You have to focus on this issue on person person basis, meaning he was your BF and no other guy did this to you but your boyfriend. Its up to you to leave or stay and Im sure youll make the best decision for you . But yes you can trust again, you cant blame men (they make up half of the world honey) for the decision that one very immature men did to you.
Good luck, I hope you the best.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (17 October 2016):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-having-second-thought-about-marriage.html
This was your last question, right? I'm glad you decided to call off the wedding OP. The good news is, it'll only get better. Trust me, it will. He was a disease in your life and now that he's out, you're free! Busy yourself with work, that is literally the single most important thing that you can do. Do something that you love and immerse yourself wholeheartedly into it.
Make new friends, go out, surround yourself with people who make you happy. Delete all evidence of your ex from your life. Dont have ANY contact with him. Block him from all forms of social media. No talking to him, no "closure", nothing.
You will most certainly find someone who you truly deserve and who deserves you. I have gone through everything that you're talking about and much, much worse. But not only did I live through that dark period, I came out of it stronger. I then met the most incredible man who swept me off my feet, married me and is giving me more happiness than I ever thought was possible.
Never stop believing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2016):
 Aww, OP I'm sorry.
One thing straight off the bat is, NOT ALL men are the same, NOT ALL men will lie, NOT ALL men will cheat. So for you to paint HALF the World's population with the same brush as your ONE BF is not really fair is it?
YOU BF was immature. And while you two managed to stay together for 8 years (which is quite amazing for you age) is possibly more to YOUR credit than his. And not because you were NAIVE, but because you trusted him.
He hasn't RUINED your life. He has RUINED what you two had together. HIS choice to ruin it. HIS choice to sleep with other girls. HIS choice to lie to you.
I think calling off the wedding is the RIGHT thing for you to do. If he had cheated ONCE at 16-17 fessed up and you two moved past it, there was a chance. But this? 3 woman over the years is not little mistakes, it's a pattern. Whether they were ONS or longer is really irrelevant in some ways and relevant in others. It's irrelevant because they probably had NO significant meaning to him - as in... there was NO real point in him having sex with these girls other than... he could and he did. And relevant in the sense that he CHOSE women he didn't know, YOU didn't know and probably would NEVER meet again in order to prevent you from knowing. So again CALCULATED to a point.
He then proposes to you and EXPECTS you to SUCK it up and forget that he CHOSE to cheat on you 3 times. Like a proposal or a ring will fix it. It won't.
In return what does he do to rebuild your trust in him? NADA! (nothing) So HE did the "wrongdoings" and YOU are supposed to fix the consequences thereof... Not a lot of logic going on there.
So here you are now. Hurt, disappointed, disgusted, distrustful, etc. And that, dear OP is normal. When we find that dagger in our back that someone we THOUGHT would NEVER do that to us stuck in there and then they gave it a little twist. If you didn't feel ALL these things I'd say you didn't care deeply. But you DID (still, do I suppose) and THAT is why it hurts.
You have two choices. LEARN from this and focus on the future OR live in the past with all that hurt. Basically be a SURVIVOR or a VICTIM.
GIVE yourself time to grieve. It was an 8-year relationship - a 1/3 of your life (so far) that you DEDICATED to this guy. Now that is done, you are not automatically going to move on in 5 minutes. So ALLOW yourself to be sad, be mad, be all these things. BUT give yourself a limit to HOW long. Because LIFE does go on while you feel sorry for yourself. Life doesn't wait for you to catch up.
ACCEPT that he was a good BF for the most part, but had a "fatal" flaw, which was he didn't think cheating on you was a no-go. He was OK with cheating on you.
ACCEPT that you can't KNOW if someone is going to cheat on you. It's NOT your GF to "prevent" a partner from cheating. That is a CHOICE people make. To cheat or NOT to cheat. He chose to cheat, YOU chose NOT to.
ACCEPT that letting him go might be part of YOU moving forward. That the fantasies and dreams you two shared about the future is now a balloon on the wind. It's not going to happen. BUT that doesn't mean it can't with SOMEONE else down the line. Sometimes we think we have our lives planned out perfectly only to find that no, it's not. You either fall apart or truck on, you roll with the punches.
Time to mourn, then time to rebuild. Time to set NEW goal and find YOUR path.
So I'd advise you to BLOCK any communication with him. It's just not going to help you to stay in contact with him. ALL he wants is for you to "roll over" and not "pass judgment" on him. That may not work for you.
Take a GOOD while before even CONSIDERING dating someone else. He needs to be out of your system. So stick to spending time with people you love and trust. Friends and family. And DO NOT let friends try and talk you into "forgiving him" because THEY want you back together. THIS has to be YOUR choice. So if they start, tell them he is a non-subject.
Also, GO get a STD/STI panel/ pap smear done. He might "only" had sex one time with these 3 women, but once is enough to pass on an STD/STI. Like Herpes or HVP. Both can be contracted through skin contact, so even IF he used a condom it can still be passed on.
And maybe you WILL find yourself thinking :" Oh we CAN make it work"... and maybe you can. Or maybe he will just continue with the ONS's and this time not tells you. One thing with that, though, IF you at some point decide to try again - DO NOT do it until the issue of infidelity has been resolved.
Or you will suddenly realize that you HAVE outgrown this guy. That YOUR standard has changed. That you have some PERSONAL dreams to achieve that he isn't part of. (like travel, work overseas, further education etc.) something JUST for and about YOU.
Sorry, this answer got lengthy. But I have BEEN where you are. And I came out the other end :)
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