A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my wife gets jealous every time she thinks im looking at a woman . the crazy part is that i will see her look a a girl or woman walking on even in her car and after she sees her she will look at me intell she passes to see if i look that way. what can i do ? we have been maried for 8 years and she has been this way ( somtimes she will hit me or punch me ) i have been hit and yell at in front of co-workers . she will not believe me at all and even to the point of going and asking some one if we are having sex . i have been fired from 6 jobes from my wife calling and trying to fight with me at work . i love her and love my kids but don't like the way she treats them . she down talkes them all the time and hits them , now i do make them listen to her because they should and they always listen to me and she has a hard time with them and that stress me out . i go to work for 12 hours and the house is a disaster and she is on the phone talking to friends and kids are doing what ever they want then she wants to fight all night long sometimes i have only 2 hours to sleep before i drive the 2 hours to work , i am about to just get up face the front door and walk out get in the car dirve for ever and never come back , just the thought of having sex with her makes me want to throw up . 1 more thing is that i cant use a condom ... if i do it will be ohh you dont love me you dont need one with me im your wife or what you think im infected , it goes from her being or soing love to just down right develish . 1 time she thought i was talking to another girl and she broke my phone after calling my co worker all the names in the book ( i work on cars and her car was broke down ) and when i just left the situation she called the police and said i kicked her in the belly and yes this was when she was pregnent 7 mo . yes i went to jail and was found guilty even thoe there was no marks . sorry for going on and on but i need some advice before i loose my head and do something bad . i think i need to leave , sometimes i hear her and she will close the door to my 2 girls room and turn the vaccum on and some how get very angry and hit the girls or pinch them very hard and i can fill my self almost black out and run up the stairs and well you get the pic .i love her but at the same time i never want to see her again . i sit her down and talk to her about our problems and it never goes anywhere . she will say im right and never do anything about it . it is so convincing that she will say yes to this and that and the next day it's like we never said anything , help and what should i do ? im 26 and my wife is 25 she has turned all my friends away from me by telling lies , my mom my brothers my sister and all her family so i have no one to talk to and im all alone with all of this . anything i sucseed at she will say good for you and behind my back break it down . she dose have seziers maybe 1 time a year but before we met she would have 6 or 7 a year . she is very charming and will make you her friend in 2 seconds so it is hard talking about it to people that look at me like i am lying . im a good honest man and i try and try and then try again after that but i think that i should give my love to a woman that can love me back BUT what about my kids ? do i just leave them ohh she will fight me to the death to keep them in a devorce , and her mom and her talk ###$ about me on the phone infont of me and i think she is just trying to make me made , i did smak her when i had my 3 month old in my hand and she throw a steel toe boot at me and missed ( the boot was stuck in the wall ) she could have killed my kid . what can i do i have a vid cam and i am thinking of vid taping and recording her and how she is to the kids but i would love to know im not alone with these type of problems and it goes way deeper than what i put on here . because i hate when a man or woman talkes trash about there mate . i want help and i am ready to do somthing about it
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female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (10 October 2010):
Hi there,
I was very concerned reading your problem. First and foremost get your children out of this appalling situation and NOW before they get badly hurt or worse. Have your parents or hers look after them until you both get this problem resolved. You may love your wife but the welfare of your children come first.
Get your wife to a doctor and get her medication reassessed as what she is on is not doing what it should and this may account for her behaviour. She may even have post natal depression so please also ask your doctor about this condition as it can last if untreated. It will be difficult and painful time for you both but your wife needs serious help and now. Don't leave until it is too late.
Wishing you both the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis has been a hell of a ride . she has just stoped taking her meds and dose not want to take thim anymore
. i still almost move out every week. i said i done , put my hands up . i have done all i can . i have now started a study of the bible and things are looking up for me
and maybe her some time later. i plan to seperate from her
in the next 3 months till she decides to change and this is just for the sake of the kids , after this i don't want or need another relationship ! i love her and understand she has mental problems but that dose not mean we need to live together . have a nice day
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i am back , she went to the doctor and they said she has extream ocd , short term memory loss and extream depression . they got her on 3 pills , she dose not fight that much to the point of devorce so i can say they helped some but she is still the same persone at hart
and now she wont stop stealing from stores! she is stealing more and more im scared everythime we go to walmart if we will be going home together and she will get our kids to steal . i got recorders now and use them
but thanks for the help i think i can get it from here thans will update
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 May 2010):
 I wish you the best with everything. Recording seems sneaky, but going through this myself at one time, my ex seemed possessed at home, but in public, especially with those who have authority, she'd come across as a "I can do no wrong" angel. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate . shortly after the last post i sat her down and we talked for 3 hours and i felt great after . she agreed to go to the doc and get some mental help . 2 day later
she flipped ... real bad this time i don't even want to say what happened but same crap . i am tired of b.s and going back and forth , my kids see everything and she makes sure they here it also . im done . but not stupid as i will not leave my kids disaster . i went on eBay and got a dvr card for the computer and a few tb hard drives
so i can record her and keep me and the kids safe . it hurts thinking i will do this to my wife but i gave her too many chances . now it is a divorce and i know by the way she treats me and the kids i will get them , it's bad
to hear your wife that at times acts so loving could be that cruel to a child , my hart starts racing and i don't want to black out and wake up in jail ! anyways i came to a conclusion to start life once again and also to stay single for some years . this has been a living hell !!
and i would never do it again .
thanks for the support ! i can see me doing it now thanks
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 February 2010):
Your welcome. I hope all works out for you, the kids and your wife. I've had experience with those who have BPD, but don't know what it's like being the one who looks through the eyes of turmoil as people do with this disorder, and setting the disorder aside, most of us have not and may never experience the level of trauma in our lives that precedes the abnormal behavior changes, so whether or not you salvage the marriage and she seeks help, treat her with empathy and compassion and don't hold a grudge against her for something she's not consciously able to control.
Take care and I look forward to receiving an update.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks , i will first look up and read about bpd to get a better understanding WOW it sound like you know her .it's like she has a mind of a 10yo most times really !i cant believe she can argue with a 5 yo like she dose not believe she is a adult . she has a very hard time with them witch i have to worry about when im gone or at work . i will talk to her about him and like i said her mom is still with the guy and she will talk to him like it aint nothing . i don't understand that part yet and also talks to her mom like they are best friends . i found pics she never showed me the other day with her over her moms house and my 5 and 3 yo in the molesters arms in a swimming pool , that got me pissed and yes she is a very good manipulator and lair but i hope she takes the help so i don't leave . she ruined my business 1 time before and i had over 100 regular customers , now 3 years later im up and running again and don't want that to happen again . anyways i will post a update after we seek help and if there is any progress and she will even go this time if not i tried for 8 years that's all i can do . thanks all for the help , and for this site don't know how i found it !
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks , i will first look up and read about bpd to get a better understanding WOW it sound like you know her . it's like she has a mind of a 10yo most times realy !i cant believe she can argue with a 5 yo like she dose not believe she is a adult . she has a very hard time with them witch i have to worry about when im gone or at work . i will talk to her about him and like i said her mom is still with the guy and she will talk to him like it aint nothing. I don't understand that part yet and also talks to her mom like they are best friends. I found pics she never showed me the other day with her over her moms house and my 5 and 3 yo in the molesters arms in a swiming pool , that got me pissed and yes she is a very good manipulator and lyer but i hope she takes the help so i don't leave. she ruined my buisnes 1 time before and i had over 100 regular customes, now 3 years later im up and running again and don't want that to happen again. anyways i will post a update after we seek help and if there is any progress and she will even go this time if not i tried for 8 years that's all i can do. thanks all for the help , and for this site, don't know how i found it!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 February 2010):
To the other poster, not nuts, but about as close as you can get with a trauma related disorder as you can get to nuts, or at least from where she is now to developing "multiple personality disorder."
I'm sure with some of her behaviors, you've noticed, child like behaviors as well. Not just acting immature, but fits thrown as if she was 12 or 13 years old. When my ex, who had this would argue with my teen daughter, and I'd sit them down to talk, they were like a couple of teens in the principles office. She'd tell my girl, "oh man, we did it now", etc. This is a form of traumatic regression. She was molested at an early age, consider that part of her past locked at that age. This is why standard therapy does not work with BPD, well at least 98%. When I was in psychology class. I asked my instructor, instead of dealing with the disorder, how about dealing with the cause "past trauma", by doing so, wouldn't that cause the disorder to decrease and possibly eliminate its self? He said that was absolutely right, but you can't help what she won't recognize she has wrong. If I were the one treating her, I wouldn't even mention her borderline at this stage. Reason being, she was molested and treated like crap, so I'd deal directly with those issues, and not the aftermath of.
As I said before, look up and find someone in your area who is a "neurolinguistics programmer". This "science" is getting such astonishing reports in working with childhood and adult related trauma. Look at what has happened to her, if not taken care of trauma grows, when it gets to large for the subconscious it peeks its way into the conscious mind, in the form of the anger you see not. Her changing from somewhat of a regular mood to anger is called splitting, "a form of split personality" it's automatic, and what make this extremely difficult is that each behavior has no knowledge of the other behaviors existence. This is why she'll want vengeance against you, and then sex and doesn't see anything wrong there. NLP takes trauma, as we map all experience and store the experiences in our subconscious, and changes the map.
I've studied NLP, and use some visual programming methods with individuals, and where its said that the mind is a terrible thing to waste, it's also true that it's powerful in healing pains and traumas, if dealt with in a certain way.
One exercise I want your wife to do immediately, before counseling or other help, is a few different letters (doesn't have to be sent or shared its for her benefit). (1) Visualizing her molester, or by his picture, and writing out everything she feels he took away from her by doing what he did. Going out on him with everything she's wanted to say that's been building up and is part cause of this disorder. (2) With her mom, same method, what she did by ignoring her cries for help, ignoring and not protecting her child. The hardest part of both of these is the end. She NEEDS to forgive them in her heart for the past, not because they deserve it but because she deserves to live without what they had done to her. There's a difference and just as trauma grows, having a grudge and anger toward others grows just the same. (3) With a picture of her when she's younger, she needs to write a letter from her adult self (knowing what she knows now) to her child self (helpless and couldn't protect). This letter needs to relieve her child self from wrongdoing, guilt from what happened, and written in a way that she would talk to a child sitting with her that has gone through these horrific experiences.
Doing those is taking a personal stand, such as "you affected me for x number of years, I'll be damned if I allow it to continue." You'll also notice a change in behavior, may not be gone, when abnormal behavior arises, it may not be as intense. I'd still recommend seeking NLP to complete the process with the trauma, and have him do a second part as well, which is to assist her in developing a plan for her to build up her self worth, and her realization that even she has the right to happiness, and to live without turmoil, and that she is an important person, first for herself then to you and her children.
Study what BPD is, and you'll see why these steps are necessary, and steps should not be skipped. Trauma lowers abilities to properly grow positive behaviors, so she'd be reducing the cause of these issues, but what has not been built, now need to be. I hope this helps. I know it's a living hell, I've been there. Even so, I wouldn't want to know what it's like living in your wife's mind. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes she told me when we first met that she was molested by he moms current husband , she saw her mom beaten up to the point that she was unconscious and bloody her mom put her on the street at the age of 13 so her husband would not face charges for molesting her she is still with he today . her sister was molested also by her husband ,and as crazy as it seams her sister had sex with him to get back at her mother . the first time i noticed a problem was when we were in a store and said something about her and she yelled don't try to get to know me all in 1 day . and this was 6 months after we met.then she started the digging her nails in my face thing and yes i would bleed and would lie at work about what happened , i guess i felt bad for her . she was always saying how mean every one els was to her in her family , and after some time i was the one that told her to talk to them again now i wish i didn't . i took car of her deeply and almost killed for her many times . she latter told me she was on medication when we first met but stooped right before we got married ( about 9 months ) . i have asked her to start taking them again and she has agreed , but when the day comes she says she don't need the pills and i have a problem and not her so she won't go to the doctor .
1 time she did go but she would hid the pills under her tongue . thanks for all the help!! i am trying to provide for us and she is making it impossible .i am doing better and looking to make things better because my kids will grow up and will need a stable parent to lean on and i know i need to be there for them .. i guess it is the only reason i stay . i want to get a separation and then if we can work together to make it better through counseling and lots of pill taking we could be a family witch i want so bad to work but if not i will go els where but will always stay in my kids life's . i just got a spy cam so i can catch her and it won't be my word against hers . i also have tapes of me trying to talk to her with her knowing but it always turns out bad . so i say the best thing for us to do is to stop talking and i wont say a word to her until she calms down ..
1 more thing , when i talk to her about how much i love her at first we will be on the other side of the house and as i am talking she will smile like she is getting emotional and slowly move over to me 1 step every 2 min while i am talking , it looks as tho she is not even listing to me at all and dose not hear nothing i say but she goes from yelling out side how a had sex with this girl and that girl ( never happened ) and all kinds of sexual perverted things and yes the neighbors can hear her , then she wants to have sex and get's very emotional and the anger goes away . and she wants to hug me and be under me and i just push her away because i know it wont last 1 day and she wont remember anything we said . i don't want to talk trash about her but hay it's the truth . seams like all the things she told me her family did to her and how bad it was , she would do it to me or our kids in a hart beat and have a very good excuse . we will agree both that we wont do something then 2 days later she did it again and has a good excuse for it . i will try again to get her help , if she don't go again im gone .
i saved up lots of money so i can pay my rent for 1 year if anything happens so i should be cool in that aspect.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 February 2010):
 you need to leave this woman shes nutttts!!! she got you arrested on domestic violence charges HMMPFF, i would have been kiked her to dah curb what are you waiting for,let her keep the you can come visit hell the kids will probably want to live with you.
You need to play this smart first start saving up so you can make a clean break, get your money straight now adays these woman will go after every penny like pirahnna on raw flesh after the divorce, have a bank account she knows nothing about if your cool with some one your mom brother dad etc put some stuff in there name so she wont be able to get a greasy fat paw on anything.
Dont let her kno what your up to start documenting stuff get witnesses your gonna need more then just your word over hers when you go up to the judge remember this the woman is always rite its always your fault your guilty unless you have proof otherwise its cold cruel world get a sweater or a mink and a lawyer oh and video tape.
Theres to many fishes in the sea to be throwing your chum to this psychotic shark,
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 February 2010):
Definitely start the cam to record. How long has she been this way? I would like to ask if you know anything traumatic that has happened in her past? Such as childhood sexual, physical of mental abuse. Also if anything has happened to her as a teen or adult that may add to this abnormality?
It sounds like a trauma based abnormal personality disorder called "borderline personality", which they are looking at changing the name to "merging personality" disorder. Does she see a counselor now? If not, she's going to need diagnosed and placed on the proper medication to control these outbursts. I recommend you read, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." and "Walking on Eggshells." Great books to explain what's going on to cause what we view as abnormal, but for those who suffer with this disorder see their behavior as normal. Reason being, during the formation of these altered personalities, the new traits "merge" with the previous personality, where she would not recognize the difference between the two.
If you choose divorce, it is imperative for you to research how to first, in order to limit her retaliation. It's important, without immediately involving the authorities, you talk to them, let them know what your plans are, and how its going to be done. That way, if she tries to get you arrested again, they are already informed of what she may try.
If you stay together, she's going to require therapy to reduce any of these symptoms, and while going to therapy, I highly recommend seeking help from someone who is a neuro linguistics programmer. This science deals with the mapping of the brain, and is highly effective in reducing and/or eliminating negative affects from trauma related disorders. Even in cases of child abuse, results are noticeable in a matter of a few months, rather than years.
I know what you're going through. I was with someone who did a majority of the same things she's doing there. There is hope for a change. I feel better not being with her, and she's doing wonderful now (properly medicated) and expecting her second child. I wish the best for you, and although difficult, either way, there is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.
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