A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was diagnosed with a cancerous mole a few months ago and had it removed. It was a simple procedure and I am very glad I caught it early, therefore I wasn't too shaken up by it. I had only told a few of my close friends that I had skin cancer. A few weeks ago I went to the beach with one of my best friends who I told and she saw my biopsy scar on my torso and asked me what it was. I told her I had a melanoma and that I had texted her about it when I noticed the mole, to diagnosis and we had even talked about it in person after I got it removed. She looked confused and said I certainly didn't. But then I showed her the text messages I sent her back in April and her response. She kind of laughed it off and I put it at the back of my mind as we were drunk on the beach and enjoying the weather. I thought about it later on and thought if there was anything a best friend should remember it would be their friend having cancer (even though it was treated easily). And I've not been able to shake that feeling off particularly because I usually have to listen to her problems, such as when her partner is in a mood or when her mum's dog died. Do you think I'm overthinking this or is she not as close to me as I thought?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2018): Please stop making sympathy stories in your mind and rating reactions. Cancer kills! you were not ambushed by it, you saw it coming. I walk around with lumps in my breast that may turn malignant, so my genetic counselor warned me. Every yearly screening feels like russian roulette.
Just be thankful for your lucky escape,and enjoy your life and your friendships, live love and laugh.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): I think you’re making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.
I had full blown cancer two years ago and I have new friends who are new friends and don’t even know I was once sick, new colleagues who are oblivious and old friends where it doesn’t ever really come up in conversation. It’s life. We have our hurdles and we move on because it’s healthy to do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): A lot of friendships continually re-shape themselves as they go along - from one month to the next you might feel closer to a friend than in other months. Many a time I've been about to mentally (if not actually) 'drop' a friend and then they have surprised me by being or doing something lovely next time I see them.In this case I honestly think you have to bear in mind that you were both drunk on the beach. It sounds like your friend actually DID offer you some support before and after your operation, but then became confused about the scar itself and how that related to what you'd gone through - and she was drunk as you were !Maybe for a while she won't feel as close to you as she has in the past, but that's not to say it can't change again in the future. Relationships aren't set in stone.Maybe she is a little self -absorbed - but most people are when they are in their 20s. I think you were just a bit taken aback that she hadn't put two and two together about your scar - and maybe because she'd offered support and it was a very quick and successful operation she didn't have it at the forefront of her mind. It would have been ideal if she'd followed up her previous attentiveness by asking you how you felt about everything now it was all 'over' - but relationships can't always be ideal. I had an operation on my ear and was left with vertigo (severe) for a year and a half, when it was only supposed to last two weeks. Did any of my friends ask me during that time whether I still have vertigo? No. They 'forgot' about it extremely quickly, but they did just carry on as normal with our friendship - similar to you, your friend is just carrying on as normal with your friendship - at least she is not stone-walling you or ignoring you entirely. This did happen to me with one couple I knew, who for whatever weird reason would not acknowledge I'd had an operation. I gradually faded them out of my life, but not my other friends.Another thing is, are you getting really strong support somewhere else? Eg family and / or a partner? I had no real support from anyone, so it hurt more when my friends 'forgot' about my vertigo. But you can't expect friends to replace the very close support that a partner or family would usually bring - that can be very hard to accept if you don't have family or a partner supporting you and you kind of hope that your friends will really 'step up' but they honestly just don't get it sometimes - it doesn't mean they don't care, just that they are limited like everyone else is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Are you overthinking it? Yes and no! I first want to say, congratulations that it was caught in-time!
Don't measure or judge friendship by how other people react to problems that are YOURS! All we can ask of people is for their comfort and support.
Would it have made you feel better if she put on a phony act of concern, and burst into tears? Do you recall the fact you were all drunk on the beach? Alcohol tends to make people scatter-brained! When you're on the beach, you're in the frame of mind to push all your troubles out of the way. It's not the usual topic of conversation to come-up when people are trying to have a good-time. I'm just saying!
People associate cancer with long drawn-out treatments under chemotherapy, and the associated hair-loss. If none of that occurred, there wasn't much to remind her. Some people have a way of suppressing or internalizing bad-news. Shoving it into the deepest recesses of their mind. It's a defense-mechanism when you can't deal with things that are traumatizing, or too scary.
Yes, it is insensitive on her part; and disappointing to know she wasn't more concerned. She may not even have understood the medical ramifications. Considering the outcome, and having an actual brush with death; all I could feel is the joy of still being around to be with my friends! With nothing but a scar as evidence it ever happened.
Everyone has their own lives and problems going on; and yes, they may even forget you had cancer! How many people and their problems were you concerned about when you were awaiting the results of your biopsy? At that time, what could be more important? Well, thank God! Your melanoma was in a treatable stage, and had not spread!
I think you should just let it slide. You can continue to dwell on it; until you supersize it into a major-issue, and end the friendship. Otherwise, you can rejoice in the fact things aren't as bad as they could have been. You are alive and well; and you were on the beach with your friends celebrating life!
I've lost several family members, and my partner of 28-years to cancer. My most recent loss was a sister in May, it was to lupus. You are among the most fortunate. You still get to celebrate life!
That's all that matters! Isn't it!
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A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (24 July 2018):
 You did mention that two of you were both drunk on a beach together, so the fact that she was under the influence of alcohol is an important factor to focus on. Who remembers anything when they're drunk?Yes, it is odd that the your best friend doesn't remember that you had cancer, but, you must also remember that it was a pretty minor case. It didn't evolve into you shaving your head from all the chemo therapy or anything like that. The best way to tackle this issue is to analyse the traits of your friend. Is she a good person? Dose she indicate that she cares about you? Can you trust her? What are her best qualities? What attracted you to her friendship? If besides this hiccup, she's is in fact a good person and friend then, let it go, it's disappointing but we're grown people with our own lives to deal with. However, if she has raised numerous red flags in the past she may not be as close to you as you think.Nobody's perfect, but once you can weigh the good qualities versus the bad ones I think you will have your answer.All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2018): She is not a friend and be careful what you confide in her in the future as obviously she is so self absorbed that she could be tricky.
You sound sensitive and decent and I wish you better friends in the future x
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (23 July 2018):
It sounds like she’s quite self-absorbed. It isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t feel close to you, it’s that she’s got quite a self-centred view of the world where the things that register most are the things that affect her and her life. I also suspect she doesn’t realise the seriousness of a skin cancer diagnosis.
IT’s good to have a wide group of friends and acquaintances but consider this a lesson learned – this one probably isn’t going to be in your corner when the chips are down.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 July 2018):
 I think you're overthinking it. Most people are busy and would forget something, even their own things! Let it go unless there's more to this.
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