A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi all,Come to this site sometimes when level headed and anonymous advice is needed so here goes.Some years back I was involved with this guy for awhile. We drifted apart and then I moved to another part of the country.I thought e was an ok guy.He is attractive,seemed to have an eye for the ladies and after we broke up I think he was involved with other women which is how it goes sometimes.I do come back to that part of the country from time to time to visit family and friends and when I have a good friend of mine was practically doing backflips to get us back together.I found it odd.A mutual friend of ours has confided that she has seen this same friend flirting with him at parties and that they have gone skiing together.I always that they would get together eventually and now that this same friend has,recently called it quits with her long term boyfriend of fifteen years I would not have been surprised if they got together.I would not have been thrilled about it but if I did not know about it.....it would be ok.This friend is my brothers first wife...she is the mom of my niece and nephew and she is a good person who was not treated well by my brother.As of late she has been sending texts about my ex...how she runs into him...how he is handsome ect.I do not respond.I am thinking she wants me to but as I said I am not thrilled but dont want to deal with hit.I am not so much hurt as bothered...is there a chance I could lose a friend over this....awkward.Why is she sending texts stirring it up?Why am I bothered.Does this mean the friendship might be lost or altered.Has anyone here been in a similar situation.How did you handle it?Thank you to all who offer advice
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 I understand that it would suck to lose a friend over a guy. Any guy, really. But that can happen. Now if you try to be supportive of your friend, she can CHOOSE to see how GREAT of a friend you are or.. she can be so insecure that she can't keep you as a friend - which would be a loss to your both. However, you really can't change what is going on with him and her. Or.... you and her.
Therefore I say take the high road, be supportive of her and her new relationship and avoid HIM as a subject between you and her. If she wants to talk about him, I'd say:" oh that was so long ago. you and he will find what works for you two. It's not really for me to talk about him behind his back - be it good or bad".
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who answered.
I think there are a couple of factors which concern me.This has happened to me once before and I was adult and said nothing.I lost the friend nonetheless with her confessing that she was convinced there were still mutual feelings between me and my ex....she did not want to lose him.
Also there are millions of men in the world.I support my fellow woman and have no interest in being with someone a friend has dated.
That being said....the advice is good here....we will see if the friendship continues....I am a low key and private.person....so there would be no drama
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): Why does it bother you. You weren't still in love with him and he didn't break your heart. I don't understand why dating someone makes them off limits to certain people even when the relationship is dead.
You do t have to be thrilled but you should at least be an adult about it. Let your friend and ex be happy. The only way you will lose a friend is if you make this a big deal. Don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): The question is, are you completely over him? If you are, why should it matter one-way or the other?
She never went after the guy when you were with him, she supported you when your relationship was coming-apart. Time passes, we grow distant from our exes, and people view things differently regarding the past. It doesn't mean there is anything serious going on between your ex and your friend; maybe just a basic attraction. Mainly curiosity.
It bothers me that your feelings are based on gossip that you haven't substantiated with evidence. It's gossip or hearsay. Even if it's true, it's none of your business. You broke-up years ago; and from your own experience, you more or less characterized him as a player. You even said your own brother wasn't good to her. Yet she stuck by you as a friend.
They really don't need your blessing, nor your permission. They are two consenting-adults. You have no dibs on your ex; and you don't get to set limitations or restrictions on who he dates after your long-passed breakup. Once he's single, and considering the fact years have passed; I can't see why you would consider this any threat to your friendship? He's not your ex-husband, he's an ex-boyfriend. You grew apart.
Doesn't seem like a big-time romance that tragically-ended.
I admit, it's a little creepy; and could rub you the wrong way. It has a slight hint of betrayal; but being all grown-up, you shouldn't let this bug you. Nor should it jeopardize, or in anyway hamper, your friendship. In-fact, you should allow this to add to the closure of the past.
I got dumped a few years ago. No argument, no disagreement, and all was going well. I was simply blindsided. Here comes a friend two months later reporting he saw my ex at a resort; introducing his new boyfriend. It hurt my feelings; but hey, it's none of my business. He himself said I deserved someone better. I met someone wonderful, less than two years later. He's kind, handsome, and rich! He has a generous-nature and a heart of gold. Do you think I give a flying rat's ass who my ex is dating now? Any friend can have him!
Let them date. I always warn people, ladies in particular; about sharing their secrets about their exes. Don't air your dirty-laundry and domestic-problems with besties, or not-so best-friends. You'll tantalize them, and raise their curiosity. If they have even a minute-inkling of attraction for him; they will wait you out, for an opportunity to get their chance to date him. I've seen it happen to my girlfriends, and my gay-male friends. Talk...talk...talk!
So, if you don't want to witness a friend recycling your discarded-boyfriends; don't offer her the inside-skinny about his ways. Don't over-familiarize her with his habits. They may be the things she likes in a man. She'll feel she knows him, and figure she may be a better girlfriend than you. Is that what you're concerned about?
Stay friends. Just distance yourself, until you're sure their little "thing" is over. These flings don't usually last; because she will discover what it is about him that made him your ex. Nothing like firsthand-knowledge and experience! He'll put-on his best behavior and charm in the beginning; but being a fake is exhausting. His true-colors will come-out. She's the one who will feel stupid; when she had all the caveats up-front. He just wants a crack at her, and once he's had it, that's that! Shake it off! Don't let it grease your pretty feathers! I wouldn't!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 July 2018):
 If he is an ok guy, and you didn't part on bad terms, wouldn't it be nice if he found himself someone nice - like this friend? They are two nice people; why should they not get together? Are you, perhaps, jealous? Or do you still have feelings for him?
I do understand you may find it strange at first but you will get used to it. You do not have any "rights" over this man, just because you dated in the past. He is a free agent, as is your friend. It is hard enough to find decent partners without having to rule out ex boyfriends/girlfriends of friends.
Show you have a good heart, wish them well and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2018):
why not just ask your friend?
If there really is not chance of you and him getting back together due to distance and what not, why not LET her know you are OK with her dating him?
Maybe she keeps mentioning him to gauge your feelings about him?
He obviously has moving on from you and who he CHOOSES to date shouldn't be up to you, honestly.
While I do think dating a friend's ex is on the ... eeeehhh side of things - he obviously is a decent fella and she obviously is a decent woman so maybe THOSE two can make it work. Why wouldn't you want your friend AND your ex to find happiness, even if it isn't with you?
Does it mean the friendship will be altered? well... that is up to you and your friend, isn't it?
Why are you bothered? Maybe because you are single? Maybe you haven't entirely moved on from this guy, so there are still some feeling rattling around in there?
If I were you I'd wish them well - it would be a good way for you to find absolute closure with this ex. And if he makes HER happy and SHE makes him happy, then GOOD.
And... it might give you a little kick in the arse to find someone who is well suited for you?
Chin up OP, it's not strange that you find this situation a little weird and aren't sure how to maneuver this mind field - just know that they aren't seeing each other to hurt you and they relationship ISN'T about you at all.
You are all grown ups. Be mature.
Lastly, IF you don't WANT to hear about this ex, TELL your friend or simple change the subject.
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