A
male
age
36-40,
*lexander98
writes:I am currently in a 4 year relationship with my first and only girlfriend. Up until recently our relationship has been great and there's been no scares of infidelity or anything of that nature. It was a true love story, to make a long story short. We live together and last month she went home for vacation for a month to visit family. Now, to be honest, the relationship wasn't perfect before she left. We were having ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary. I could write for hours about this but I'll try to make it short. We would call each other and text every day while she was away until one day out of the blue she disappears and does not respond to my texts and calls. I am worried sick but not because I have any doubts about what she is doing. That sort of thing just didn't exist to me. She didn't respond that night and I found out that she had taken her car out somewhere but nobody knew where. The next day, out of nowhere, I get ahold of her finally and she says she is unsure if she wants to continue our relationship. I was crushed. I assumed the worse of what happened the night before but didn't want to make things worse by accusing her if I was completely off base. So we talked it out the next few days and eventually came to an understanding that she wasn't very happy with our relationship, things need to change, and I told her I'd make an effort to work on it, even though deep down I felt I was very good to her over the past few years. I made a strong effort to never give her any reason to doubt that I love her or that I have feelings for anyone else. Well, anyway, she told me that she went out driving that night and stayed at her friends house to sleep for a couple of hours because she was tired. I believed it. Again, long story short, she came back from her vacation and I found out I had been lied to many times. After sifting through lie after lie and uncovering many holes in her story of why she disappeared that night and then decided she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore, she came out with some facts. That night she was with an ex-lover, not an ex-boyfriend, just someone she had romantically been involved with a few times before meeting me. They were alone and were together all night. She said they hung out just as friends. I sort of saw things coming with this person, as she'd always keep in touch with him in small ways with facebook and texting but make a strong effort to hide it from me. I accepted this story because I wanted to believe in her so badly. Then I went on her computers search history and found searches over and over again, day after day, like "Is it ok to cheat on my boyfriend?" "Is a one time infidelity ok?" "I had sex with an ex-boyfriend, but still love my current boyfriend" etc etc. We are talking pages of this stuff. I confronted her about this and she says she was just reading about other peoples problems because she was bored. I wasn't sure about things at this point. I was already lied to many, many times about the situation and I am not sure what I could believe anymore. While she was away, she was in routine contact with this person via text and phone and made an effort to delete any history of it from her phone. She would look at his facebook profile over and over again every day along with those internet searches. When she was gone she lost a lot of weight, she groomed her private area (which she didn't do when with me). Both of these things she said she was doing to surprise me, but she groomed herself (this sound stupid to say but I can't think of anyway else to say it) 3 weeks before coming back to me, and right before that night. 2 weeks after being back home with me she is already gaining weight and seems to have lost interest in "impressing me". The facts I have right now are that if she didn't have sex with this person (I still have many doubts), she had a strong urge to and took many steps to act upon it. After debunking lie after lie, she has finally admitted to seeing this person and going as far as him kissing her (she says she pushed him away ,but I don't think things would have gotten to that point if she wasn't pushing for it), and then after pushing him away she says she left. But she didn't call me, and she pretty much almost broke up with me the next day. I also found out that she was telling this man that her and I were currently not together anymore or "taking a break". Another search was "My boyfriend and I are taking a break, is it ok to see someone else?". So that's the story I have from her mouth. And again, this is after several lies I had to uncover. More lies than you can imagine. I am having a very hard time believing her now after all of that. How do I know this is the truth? And to be honest, I don't think it is. But I want some feedback to get some other opinions. Maybe I'm just being crazy. She says she loves me and always has and wants to continue our relationship together. But I'm having a hell of a time moving on from this and it will eventually hurt our relationship with this in my mind all the time.Do you think she cheated on me? There's a lot of stuff pointing towards it. I really don't want to believe it though. I love this girl. I never thought she would do something like that. And even if she didn't, which I don't really have any way of finding out for sure, how do I proceed from here? Do I cut it off and move on? I'm just not sure what to do. Please give me some advice.
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a break, broke up, cheated on me, crush, facebook, infidelity, kissing, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): You've caught her lying repeatedly. For me, that's all the proof you need. You cannot trust this girl. I'm sorry to have to say this, but what you need to do is dump her and move on. The google searches, the weight loss, shaving her private area... what more evidence do you need?
Please, do yourself a huge favor and cut your losses now. This girl will only continue to hurt you.
A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Do you need a notarized letter? You basically caught her red handed, she just hasn't come right out and said, "okay we had sex". You decide. Do you forgive her and trust that she won't ever see this guy again? Or, do you walk away? I wouldn't stay with a girl that's still hung up on another guy. Although, I could forgive a girl for cheating. But that' just me.
If it makes you feel any better, I know exactly how you feel, because the same has happened to me.
If you cut the line on her, then you're free and happy again. You can save a lot of time not having to always worry about her or what she's up to. Let her worry about what you're up to and ignore her for awhile. See how she likes that. That is always a good strategy, ignore her.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 She sounds very confused about alot of things and maybe doesn't really know what she wants. This is what happens when people try to keep in contact with an ex, whether it's an ex lover or an ex boyfriend. It just clutters up the future you have with the person you love. It makes you dabble in the waters of infidelity even if you think you can handle a simply flirtation or you think you'll know when to stop. You rarely don't. I can't say for sure how far she let things go but I agree it looks suspect that they did and she wanted to pull the plug with you, out of guilt or the promise of a new relationship with him. You won't trust her again for a very long time, but your relationship certainly has no hope of recovering if she continues to keep in contact with this or any guy behind your back. You may have to give her an ultimatum about this other guy. And then be prepared to walk if she won't let go of their "friendship". It spells trouble for your future and you will never trust her as long as she contacts him and takes off to go see her family without you. She may be wondering what's out there, what is she missing out on by being tied down so young? She seems unsure of what she wants.
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