A
male
age
41-50,
*1md4
writes:This is what happened, i was with my now ex "Ladge" on and off for 2 years. We split and decided to become friends as we got on so well. We never loved each other but as she had a kid and enjoyed doing sports together we tried to keep a friendship going (Ladge wanted more than friendship but as i didn't we chose to stay friends) We both went our seperate ways love life wise. I met my now girlfriend on my birthday night out and this caused problems with ladge (as she was there) hence to calm down anger i lied to ladge and said i wasn't seeing her again while i actually started an amazing relationship and falling in love over a 10 month period.Now as i tried to juggle a secret friendship and a relationship my lies grew and on several occasions i got drunk around ladges and then we slept together, this happened several times in the begining and once about 5 months in. We both knew it was not right as we wanted to be friends and nothing more (me more so as i knew about my girlfriend)I was ashamed of what i had done and tried getting away from the friendship with ladge. Because of her kid and the history ladge and i would talk and decide it'd never happen again. Needless to say it did. The last time in January 2010. I left for afghan for 4 months in feb and therefore never told my girlfriend. Ladge and i decided we would not see each other again and it was the last time, friendship over and all parties hurt. Ladge found out about my girlfriend got in touch and told her recently.The outcome is obvious, my girfriend has split with me i told her everything and she wont forgive me, i crushed he best thing in my life and it was a suprise somehow?!?!Now i expect reading this so far i have not got 1 person in support of me so let me try and explain a little bit and i would then like your opinions.I was divorced at 21 as my then wife slept with my best friend and got her pregnant while i was in Iraq - i was gutted. I went mental and cheated and slept with many people until i was 23. I changed my ways as i am not a cheat and it wasn't me, i got into relationships where i never cheated and i was cheated on again but i also had some good relaionships and i believed i was scar free from my past. The first girl who i truly felt an unnatural amount of love for came along and i cheated on her (my now girlfriend). I am a bloke and i don't use words like love very often as it isn't a cool or manly thing!?!?, and i am saying now i feel sick about what i have done, i told all my family and friends what i had done and how sick i was about it (so i coldn' lie about it and do it again i guess) I love my girlfriend more than anything ever and i wish i could change my stupid error. I would literally do anything, counselling begging, spending my whole life making it up to her and her family. I haven't slept and i have read countless stories about cheats and i don't believe i am a cheat, i don't go out and look for girls or even think about them as i was so happy, but somehow ladge seemed to get through all this and i was disgaceful. I want my girlfriend back and i want to grow old with her. I want to stand in front of everyone of her family and say sorry and beg them and i want to call my mates dicks for telling me to, 'man up' and 'move on' i want to prove to her i am good and can make her beautiful smile come back. I truly mean all this, not some knee-jerk reaction.I love her and i want to do anything to save the genuine love we have. I know lots of people who have cheated and i believe many of them are cowards and would find it easier to cut there losses rather than fight for love. My losses would be to great to cut and i can't - i am devoted to my probably ex girlfriend and i am lost out here without her...Please give me advice - and if you are going to insult me that is fine as i know i deserve it...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, a1md4 +, writes (2 April 2010):
a1md4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah i have recently become aware of all this. I have recently hit the acceptance stage and seeing clearly and not being "soppy" and "gay". I have sent the letter you are on about and i am preparing for the worst.
Like you say i spent the honeymoon period of our relationship cheating and she consistantly says she can't forgive as our whole relationship was a lie - fair point her.
I am not a quiter but at the same time i am trying to get used to the idea that she'll never forgive me. I have sent her flowers - she gave them away and i have been very sparse with my emails an contact as advised. I will try the email as a friend approach but i hold out little hope.
If i were to get a week off soon (which may be possible) she is not aware of this. I was thinking of the best way to use this for my advantage to maybe win her back? knock on her door with roses - and beg?!?!?
I do love her so much and not having a chance is really hard to accept...
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 First, thanks for you service to your country and for the sacrifices you are making.
Let me explain this to you from one woman's perspective. You spent half of your relationship cheating on her. At this point, she does not want to hear about your past relationships; although other women cheated on you, she never did yet this is the treatment she gets from you. She feels your betrayal even more because you know her father's history and you probably told her on more than one occasion that you don't want to be like your father. Right now, she can't think of a way that you could even begin to "make it up to her", she views your explanations as excuses and the flowers and apologies are ringing hollow. You have shown her you are capable of cheating and she can't even look you in the eyes to tell you how much you hurt her because you're on the other side of the planet.
I don't want to dash your hopes, but right now there is nothing you can do to get her to forgive you. Forgiveness is earned and with you being in Afghanistan, there is no way you can do the day-to-day things to show her how sorry you are and that you are trustworthy.
My suggestion: if you're going to email her, send her a letter not only acknowledging your pain and selfishness, but also that you understand if she never wants to see or hear from you again. Then stop with all of the begging and pleading. Don't harass her friends and family because they don't think much of you right now. Instead, send her a message every few weeks or so as a friend, not as someone who wants to be her boyfriend. Maybe tell her about your day-to-day in Afghanistan or other general stuff. You're going to need to rebuild this relationship from the ground up, meaning you have to rebuild the friendship before you can rebuild the romance.
It is entirely possible that your relationship may never be the same again, and this is a reality you have to make peace with. Get some sleep, focus on the job at hand, and use the time apart to really examine your behavior so you don't make this mistake again.
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A
male
reader, a1md4 +, writes (31 March 2010):
a1md4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionroger that i will keep my distance and as you say hope she misses me as appossed to gets used to me being in no contact. I think because of my personnality i want to jump in and fix it straight away. All my friends and familys advice seems to be give her space so i will do just that.
Unfortunately or fortunately i have wrote to her daily so far and as it takea about 10-14 days to get to her she will get post from me while i try and give her space, is this good or bad?
a week is going to be tough, buti believe you are spot on so a week it is, better tha forever which is unthinkable for m at the moment...
Cheers and i will keep you posted on developments...
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 March 2010):
 8 days? Ok, you definitely need to give her some space. I know it's hard. You are worried she'll find someone else, but in reality if you too were together long enough it'll be hard for her to move on THAT quickly.
Try going one week without any contact. And when doing so, look at it this way: You need to give her time to miss you. She's so hurt because she cared about you so much. That doesn't go away instantly. Let her get the flowers, but don't contact her or bug her. Give her time to miss you. After a week, then you can drop her a quick line telling her you were just thinking about some little thing she always does and how you miss that. And THATS ALL. Don't elaborate, don't stalk. Show her that you do miss her, but only after at least a week.
Hang in there man, I know it's tough but if you keep up slamming her with mail, email, etc you will make it easy for you to not want to talk to her....
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A
male
reader, a1md4 +, writes (30 March 2010):
a1md4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey Timmy that sound like some top advice, i am out here and my head is spinning. I think i over did thecontact yesterday. I a desperatl fighting for her as you can imagie and in reality she fund out 8 days ago! she must still be angry and seriously hurt.
I am going to give her space, but i fear by doing this it'll make her move on as apposed to healing and opening up to the idea of even chatting. What is a reasonable amount of time to wait? How long should i try before i cross the boundaries of boyfriend who made a mistake to stalker weirdo!?!?
I ordered her some flowers which should be delivered tomorrow. I am writing daily - i wrote and explined everything about my past (even though she kind of knows) and i have sent her several emails explaining how sorry i am and how i'd make it up to her. Her reaction was one of anger and she may have or at least has threatened to block me on hotmail which is my last way of communicatin with her as she blocked me on FB! I also gave hr access to all my hotmail accounts and facebook as she now suspects i have cheated with everyone i have ever spoke to - which of course i haven't but is understandable...
I'm pulling my hair out here but i think i need to let her breath and way up options. At the end of the day i can try my hardest but she may say no. I just wish i could sit in front of her and tell her this crap instead of being 3000 miles away and blocked...
All your advice is top quality thanks guys...
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 March 2010):
It's not so much "convincing" as it's gotta be more "asking". If you know here friends or at least know how to contact them, then maybe trying to meet with them isn't a bad idea. She's already left the door SLIGHTLY open by saying "If I took you back...." This gives you a shred of hope.
Talking to her friends could be good. But if you do, the conversation should not be about telling them "You have to help me get (your girlfriends name) back!". That would be bad. I suggest talking to them and saying something like "(Your girlfriend's name) values your opinions greatly. I really love her, and I really miss her. Is there anything I can do to EARN one more chance with her? I'm willing to do ANYTHING." Then you can proceed to tell them the same thing you told us (telling your family, etc). I'd leave out the "I'm not a cheat" because unfortunately you did just that. Honesty is your best chance here.
In the mean time, give your girlfriend (ex) some space. Don't keep annoying her. Give her time to think, and time to heal. When the time comes, stress that even if it means starting fresh as friends again you'd be willing to do that to slowly begin repairing the damage you did to her.
Keep us updated.
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A
male
reader, a1md4 +, writes (30 March 2010):
a1md4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind words, in truth i was expecting a torren of abuse which is no more than i deserve. I have told her abot my past ad she knows and i do believe she understands. But her father and mine were both serial cheats and she believes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I am mega disturbed by my behaviour, i told my mum and whole family what i did in order to embarrass myself ad ensure i don't/won' do this again. I know i am not a cheat as in past relationships it was never an issue it was just a horrible mistake.
I have wrote to her, i have spoken to her, i have emailed her. I may send her some photos as suggested as she said she threw everything out - fair one!
I do love her and i want to prove this to her. in her latest reply she says i have hurt her so deeply and that if she took me back her friends would think she were stupid. She relies and is very close to her friends so this is something i want to address? should i email her friends and try to convince them? i don't care about embarrassig myself i just need to make things right.....
it is so hard out here this is making everything somuch worse (which might provide her with some sort of comfort ha)
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A
female
reader, Tasmanian devil +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Why don't you try talking to her, telling her about your past relationships and how they've effected this one, how you feel, how she is the love of your life (im guessing) and how you would do anything for her. But do it quick, before she moves on!! And just thinks of you as a past memory, write her a letter if your out to war, but more importantly give her a reason to take you back, send her a photo or something that will remind of her of the love you shared and good times you had. Re-ignite that spark. Gud luk!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (29 March 2010):
No insults, friend. First and foremost you are putting your life on the line to protect your country and I respect that. The simple fact of the matter is, you cheated. And not only that, you lied in the process. I'm not disputing the love you have for your girlfriend (ex), but actions speak louder than words. I'm not going to beat you up anymore with words and tell you something you don't already know. It sounds like you're in enough pain as it is.
My suggestion? Write a nice long letter to your girlfriend. Explain your past (even if she already knows). Tell her how you were torn between a friend you knew before her and your girlfriend's loyalty. Beg forgiveness, and ask for one more chance. Tell her you know she doesn't trust you and if anything else you'd at least like to earn that trust back (it won't happen over night) Don't pressure her. Ask her to think about it. If she's willing to listen you can tell her all of this in person. And finally, tell her you are willing to go slow. If she doesn't want a relationship right away because she's hurt, just ask if you can be friends.
Show her you know you screwed up and show her you'll do whatever it takes to get her back... even if that means you have to be patient. You screwed up man... but if you're willing to admit that and acknowledge her pain... you might have a chance with her. MAYBE.
Good luck.
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