A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Question about boyfriends family and how to split the time. My boyfriend is in the military, and got a leave to come home this weekend. I had not seen him in 3 months. He arrived Friday evening and left again Sunday evening, so not much time. I think it is obvious that I pick him up at the airport, but last time he was home his mother came to pick him up even though I said I would. So I called her, made sure she knew there was no need for her to come as well. Then she starts saying how she wants us to drop by them before we go home. This was originally not the plan, my boyfriend had told her we planned to go straight home. I had prepared dinner for us at home, so I told her we could come by, but that I had dinner waiting for us at home so couldn't stay long (I don't want to tell her she can't meet her son after all). So we dropped by on the way home, and at their place his mother started asking if we wanted coffee, if we wanted something to eat, started bringing out all this food she bought for HIM (he lives with me when he's on leave, so no need for her to buy him food!). We were very hungry, but were supposed to eat dinner at home, yet she wouldn't let us leave. We stayed there for over an hour. Then she invited us for dinner the next day and we said yes. Then the next day, while we're at her house, she invites us to dinner AGAIN on Sunday, and my boyfriend says yes! I must inform you, "dinner" is not just a meal, it takes all afternoon and evening. We left home at 1pm on Saturday to go shopping for his nieces, then to his grandmother at 3pm to pick her up, then off to his parents for dinner, and didn't get home until 8.20pm. Again, we had to insit on leaving because she originally didn't want us to go. My boyfriend had work to do, so the rest of Saturday evening was spent on work before going to bed. Then Sunday comes, again we have to go to his family for dinner, and then I took him to the airport without any time for me and him to say good-bye properly. I basically just had to drop him off because his family kept us there so late. Next time we meet will be in two weeks, and again there will be a family gathering. Would I be in the wrong to ask that we spend Sunday just me and him? This time I am flying in to meet him at his sisters home, and he will have already had 2 days together with them before I arrive.
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I do not think you would be wrong to ask to spend the day with him alone. I got the feeling he was a pushover and can't say no to his mom. Profession has very little to do with anything, I dated a guy in the military who was a doormat and couldn't say no to his father for anything. The problem is that neither of you will say no to his parents. You can speak to your boyfriend and tell him you want to spend Sunday alone but when his mom comes around requesting you spend the day with them he will cave. You will always need to be the strong one and the one to say no, which will make you look like a demanding bad girlfriend, as you are seeing from all of these answers you are receiving. It is not unreasonable to expect a day together when he has spent 3 full days with his family. You are obviously very accommodating but no one else appears to be. The only way to get what you want is to plan your actions with your boyfriend before he comes home, before seeing his mom. When she starts up with what she wants you to do you need to be able to stand strong and say "no thanks, we really have to be going now." then stand up and go. Explain again that you made plans. Your boyfriend won't be the one to do this. It's an uncomfortable role to have to be forced into if it's not in your nature, if you can't do it then both of you will have your relationship dictated by his family forever (not that they are ill meaning by their actions). But I have to stress again that you are not demanding or controlling by wanting some alone time for a bit, if anything you have shown the exact opposite of demanding by going along with whatever his mother says and a fear of saying no to them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I must say thank you everyone for taking the time to answer, but not half of you actually read the question. I'm not saying he can't spend time with family, I'm not demanding anything (at least I haven't yet). I am bending over backwards for him to see his family. I am not trying to remove them from his life. If that was my plan then I would not have played taxi when it comes to driving his family members to and from everywhere all day long. And that is the problem, I think. I am being too nice about this, always changing the plans in order to accomodate his family. My question was if it would be reasonable to ask for the final day of my stay to be just me and him (he will have had 3 and a half days prior to this one to be with his family). It was my idea to travel to his sisters, to save him the money and to allow him MORE time with his family. His original plan was to fly to me first, and then fly down to his sister (this would have given him only a day and a half with them, which is the time I will now get with him). I was the one who suggested I fly to his sister instead and that way he will save money and get to see more of his family.
cgrlygo, he stays at my home when he is here, but he lives at the military base. So we have not moved in together yet.
CindyCares, yes he is a pushover when he's not at work. He is horrible at planning and organizing his civilian life, unfortunately.
HoneyPie, you wrote that you do your best to make it happen when you ask who he wants to see. I do the same. I talked to him about what we should do and who he wanted to see, and I make it happen. But they ask for more than he has suggested himself, and I have not ever told them no (they ask me, not him, because he really can not organize his civilian life any good).
I gave all of your feedback some thought, and have decided that I need to talk to my boyfriend about firmer plans, and that once we make plans we need to stick to them, otherwise we will never be able to do anything we've planned. He is welcome to invite his family along, but once in a while they will have to follow our schedule (or actually, his schedule, as me and him plan it together). He needs to be more concrete about who he wants to see and when, and then stick to it and make it happen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2012):
 While I know you miss him and want alone time with him, his family is important too.
you saw him three months ago
you will see him in two weeks
sometimes with military spouses you go three times as long or longer between visits...
if you need more time with a man than he can provide perhaps you should consider ending the relationship as this is not going to change nor should it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I see this often. The thing is EVEN when you become the wife (if you marry at some point) his family have every right to see him too and HIM seeing them.
With him only getting that little time I think I would take what I can and accept that I am NOT the only person who loves him, cares for him and want to spend time with him. I would in fact follow what HE wants.
I've been the wife of a soldier for 14 years. He's been deployed 3 times, been away at schools, training and so forth many times. When he's had R&R (from deployment) I have always asked what he wants to do and WHO he wants to see and done my best to make it happen.
IT IS hard to be long distance.
Make the best of the time you get with him instead of DEMANDING things and being butthurt (pardon for being blunt).
And I don't know about you, but SUNDAYS have usually been family events in both my family and his, so asking him to spend it only with you might give you an answer you don't want to hear.
You really need to understand that there are other people in his life who LOVES him. They seem rather willing to SHARE him with you. I think you need to return that "favor".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I too don't think you have too much leverage , but for a different reason.
.. Did you talk to your bf about this problem, and... what does he say ? does he actually see it as a problem, or does he think it is a problem just because you are making it one ?... What he feels counts too, right ? And I've got this feeling that he is quite fine with the way things are. I mean, unless he is a total wuss- which it's hard to believe since the career path that he has chosen,- otherwise how hard can it be to say, sorry mom, we already have plans, we'll have to give X activity a miss ?... How hard is it to say "yes we are coming over for dinner, but we'll have to leave just after coffee "... In theory your bf is fit to deal with invading ARMIES, imagine if he can't curb an invading overenthusiastic mom :)
So, if he does not even try, maybe it's because he does not want to ?... because he loves spending time with both you AND his family ? because he sees this as a brilliant idea to kill two birds with a stone and not have to split himself in half between different obligations in the short time he is at home ?....Maybe ,seeing the particular circumstances, he does not give such a big priority to having " just me and you " time over being able to be close to his family ?.
I don't mean that he does not love you or does not like you. Only that if he is always away from home, and he has a very close-knit family, spending time with his relatives may be AS important to him as developping a r/ship with a recent gf.
Of course if you are really unhappy with this situation, you can talk to him and ask him for more " you and me " time, and then it's up to him to fend off some of the invitations. Just, don't be surprised if he does not see things, and priorities , exactly the way you see them.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Sounds to me like you have to learn to share...also I'm confused..you say "you need to get to know him" but you love with him? Might I ask how long before you two moved in? Also..its sounds to me he treats his family with love and respect (especially mom) which is a good thing...he respects women...but you forcing home to choose his time will cause a rift between youtwo. Why not spend the day with them? You guys went home at a resonable hour?!? I could understand if it was a special occasion (anniversary) but seriously ..this about you and the family and frankly it sounds like you are controlling. You want him to choose you over his family. " he doesn't talk to me when were with his Family " I guess not...he is catching up with them too, people who have loved him his whole life. From the sounds of all of this you are jealous of them....you really need to step back and review your situation before your "trying to remove them, out of his life backfires"
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Sorry chickie but I don't think you have much leverage here. His family has loved him all his life. As you say, you are a NEW component in his life so you will need to relax and and let things slowly develop. Some families are very close and I think you'd better get used to it. You sound kind of whiny to me by the way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): No, I did not get Saturday evening with him as he had work to do that evening. I also want to say that last time I flew to meet him he didn't inform me that his parents would be there as well, and we ended up spending 2 out of 3 days together with his parents that time too. This was not what me and him had planned, but something his parents suggested once I had arrived and he didn't say no to them. We had other plans that I wanted to stick too, but he delayed those plans because his parents wanted us to spend time with them. At first we would just do some shopping with them, then they wanted to drive us to other family members (this was not the plan), then they wanted us to have a meal together (also not the plan), then we had to wait for them to get ready as they wanted us to drive them to a party of theirs (and this final delay meant we didn't get to do what we had originally planned that evening). We spent the entire day with them although we were just supposed to spend a couple of hours.I like his family, but I need couples-time too. I am spending just as much time with his family (and when with family he talks to them, not me) as I do with him, but it is not them I am in a relationship with. When will I have the opportnity to talk, connect, develop our relationship? We are not married, we are still a fairly new couple and I need time to get to know him and develop a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): You are selfish....period. What would you do if you were his wife! You may understand that his MOTHER doesn’t need your permission to see her son when you have your own son and his girlfriend treats you like that and tries to cut you out of his life...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): You need to understand that although you are his girlfriend, he stil has a family and parents. They also dont get to see him often. I can understand if he was not in the army and they imposed on the relationship. You both need to work come a strategy to spend time with his family and also you get time to be with him. 8.20pm is not very late, so you did have him all night and I assume the morning. Parents and family also miss their loved ones even when they are in relationships. So both parties need to find a mid place.
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