A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend of 2 years is great! I love our relationship and im incredibly happy. Although there is this one girl who causes problems and im at a loss as to what to do about it. Long before i met him he lived with another girl for about 2 years, they were never in a relationship and to others were close friends, except they did everything together, had the same group of friends and spent all of their time together they also slept together regularly although were never in a romanic relationship. although it is known that this girl loved my boyfriend and to be honest from what i can gather i think my boyfriend took advantage of this, as he had various short term relationships with other girls whilst living with her. Anywah They had a big fall out around 3 years back, she moved out and they stopped speaking. They still have the same group of friends and its awkward for my boyfriend at times as he avoids certain situations if she is going to be there. Anyway despite this fall out, since i got with my partner she has sent him a few messages every month or so, these were usually excuses to talk to him such as i saw this today and thought of you etc, at first he ignored her then she got in touch saying her sister was unwell and wanted someone to talk to, i asked him not to go as he hadnt spoken to her in a long time and was sure she could speak to someone else about it or if not even suggested a phone call, yet he still went to visit her last summer. This has been our one and only argument as i feel he totally disrespected my feelings. Anyway after he saw her the texts from her increased and because he kept ignoring her, she began to ring him but he continued to ignore her in anyway in the end he had to text her and ask her to stop contacting him he said there was no hard feelings but he had no desire to be her friend again so there was no point in communicating. So we heard nothing for a good 6 months. She then text him in march for his bday, he didnt respond and she has text again this week just saying she saw a film he would like, again he did not respond. My boyfriends best friend and work partner has asked this girl to help them to raise money for their latest project so my boyfriend has told me that hes going to have to spend time with her. Im not happy about this at all and dont know what to do. any advice? Do you think im wrong for asking my boyfriend to continue to avoid any event that shes at?
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best friend, money, moved out, no desire, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 April 2015):
 I'm totally with YouWish on this one. Since she's already said it perfectly, there's no need for me to repeat it.
I will add though that making rules for someone is a bad idea because you can't enforce them. All you can do is monitor and punish the breaking of them. It gives you a false and fleeting sense of security that is heavily dependent on control which taxes your time and energy and breeds resentment in the other person.
The only thing you CAN control is what you'll stay and put up with and what you won't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): yes you can. he has to respect your wishes if he loves you. I'm sure you'll respect his wishes if he ask you for the same thing.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2015):
 In principle, I agree with the others in that if they run in the same circles, it's inevitable that they would cross paths, and that if he's got a record of ignoring her, then you could extend a bit of trust.
However, you know, I wouldn't have touched the guy with a 10-foot pole, much less dated him. He's a woman user. What kind of sleaze would tell a woman that they don't have a relationship, sleep around, yet use her feelings for him in order to get a leg up financially?? He's unimaginably selfish and a woman user and untrustworthy.
And then your boyfriend's best friend...who should know if she's acting like a stalker, has instead ASKED her to "help them raise money"?!? So he's using her again to get money??? That's despicable! You don't go tap a woman you've been trying to ignore! He's using her hope to get back with her again!
I'm sorry, your boyfriend is a complete jerk. If he's avoiding her, he should put his money where his mouth is and not put you in this situation to begin with. Other than that, I wouldn't trust that he's not conning YOU in some way, because any guy who uses a woman to get sex, or finances, or a living situation is a pathetic player.
Sorry, but I smell a rat, and he's about the size of your boyfriend. You're going to get burned by him down the line if you're not already.
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A
female
reader, Questing for Love +, writes (10 April 2015):
 I think the fact that he has continuously denied contact with her for at least 6 months as you say, if not more, that he is perfectly trustworthy of working on a project with her. It seems that he no longer has feelings for her and it looks like he has definitely followed through with that claim.
Loosen your reins over him a little bit and give him some freedom. He clearly is doing his best to avoid contact with her. And by choosing to do this one event knowing she'll be there, is him actually showing maturity as he is handling the situation like an adult. Sometimes you don't want to do something with a certain person but if you have to, then you do it, and you behave peacefully like adults. He sounds trustworthy to me at least. Show him that you trust him and let him do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): He could run into her anytime, anywhere. I guess you have to trust your boyfriend, or go with him to keep an eye on him.
You seem to know a lot about your boyfriend's past with other women. Doesn't seem he keeps any secrets from you. Maybe you should try and trust him. It's a small world and we are all likely to run into or hear from old lovers. So will you, eventually.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 April 2015):
You can ask him to do it but it's controlling and shows a lack of trust in him. Not exactly a great thing to add to an otherwise good relationship.
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