A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone!I'm finding it hard to watch my sister throw her life and children away! A little background: my sister has always struggled with attention after our mother had an affair and divorced our father when she was only 13. This led to my sister going off of the rails slightly and participating in underage drinking and sex. She deemed sex a form of attention or love something I guess she was lacking from our uninterested parents. She had boyfriend after boyfriend and would never be by herself, she would spend a few months with one guy and then cheat on him with another and then get into a relationship with a new guy who would be 'mr right' for a few months until the same viscous cycle started again. Our mother moved away with a man half her age and was not interested in either of us, our father started dating another women and then was diagnosed with cancer, a few months after his diagnosis he committed suicide- my sister was aged 19. I supported her through this and offered her a home with me and my partner (whilst I'm only 2 years older I am emotionally more stable than her). She declined so I helped her set up a home for herself. She entered a relationship with a new guy around that time who she stayed with for two years until you guessed it, she cheated and fell pregnant with the one night stands child. (DNA tested confirmed at birth). She then entered a relationship with this 'one night stand' whilst initially I had my doubts he is a lovely guy. They had there first child and he proposed. This man provided for my sister and there child, got them a beautiful home and clearly loved her to pieces. He treated her like a princess and you could see how much he cared for her. When there child turned 1 my sister started an affair with another man. I caught her out as I new something was wrong. I was furious with her and she promised it would stop. Eventually it resulted that this guy had given her an sti and she has to come clean to her fiancé. He was distraught but vowed to give her another chance. She promised me that she realised what she had and would not ruin things anymore. They started planning there wedding and she appeared happy. He said he didn't want another child at that time as he wanted to focus on improving his career to provide for their child. She tricked him into getting her pregnant by stopping her birth control. He still does not know this too date. He gave up on his career plans and started working a second dead end job to provide for the new addition. She remained off of work. She then decided she wanted to start a career which she would need a degree. He funded her college tuition and drove her too her classes. He was fully supportive of her wishes. She betrayed him again. She met a 19 year old guy (6 years younger than her) and decided to kick her fiancé out and end the relationship. No talking to her as helped. This 19 year old has no interest in her children so she has become disinterested in them as well. They are 4 and 2.5. The children now hate being with my sister and cry for there father. When they are with him they are in tears when they have to go back. She has no interest in them and sits in her phone texting and checking up on this new guy. She's trying to buy him with money she doesn't have, buying him lavish gifts and wisking him away in holiday. She lost her home due to not paying the rent and is now housed in a state flat. She hasn't sober Christmas, new year, Mother's Day or her birthday with the children. She ships them off to there father so she can spend time with her new boyfriend. He refuses to be around the children and his exact words 'wants to pretend they don't exist'. She's happy with this. I don't know what to do. Those children are beautiful, intelligent, well mannered and behaved. My heart bursts every time I see them. They are growing up right in front of her face and her selfish ways are ruining that. I don't know what to do anymore. She only considers herself and in the end I see her losing those children, either the though the services or there resentment towards her. How can I make this better? I've offered help, support and love her whole life but she only see's herself.
View related questions:
affair, christmas, divorce, his ex, money, one night stand, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 April 2015):
 You can't :(
She might need some SERIOUS counseling or wake up call, but telling her what she is doing is wrong and bad will go for deaf ear by her. SHE doesn't WANT the responsibility of being an adult and a parent at that. Which is probably why she is dating a kid (19 is a kid, let's be honest here).
What I would do in your situation?
I would be there for the kids and the husband (helping him make the transition to becoming a single dad easier).
I hope to GOODNESS this guy (her husband) will take her to court for custody and STOP supporting her with money. Rather then the kids going into the system.
I'm sorry, I know you feel rather helpless her, but this IS her mess - all you can do is HELP the kids, be there for them. SHE is a GROWN up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): I think what's going on here is that it's not just a situation in which she gets 'love' and/or attention from sex. What I'd want to know is what happened to her/your Dad after the divorce? I ask because a lot of women behave like this if something traumatic means that their Dad (and also their Mum) is not consistently in their life, but in and out of it instead. The young girl finds this traumatic and, ever after unless she gets help, will unconsciously gravitate towards UNAVAILABLE men. What I mean by this is NOT that she never sees them, but that they are ultimately emotionally unavailable - either they are too busy, too emotionally immature or too selfish to extend real love and care to a woman. She then sets up a trap for herself, through these men, in which she consistently keeps trying to 'win' their love (which is impossible because they're incapable of it), only to then turn against them or pull back whenever it seems possible that they might become more stable and more available (because this is what she inwardly can't cope with - the message sent to her in earlier years was not to expect this from a man AND it means that her own development, in this respect, has been interrupted and effectively 'put on hold'; hence she will behave like the teenager that she was when this all started).
She really needs counselling to deal with this. It's very clear that she just isn't 'wired', at this stage, to accept stability and love and intimacy from someone who genuinely loves her; as I say, at an earlier stage in life, the very traumatic message imprinted in her psyche is that you have to try to 'win back' the love of men who become unavailable to you. It's like a teenager constantly craving the 'big hit' of infatuation, rather than wanting the more persevering, sometimes boring but ultimately richer love that well developed adults can share.
In terms of the children, without doubt they'd be better off with their Dad right now. It would also probably help if he could at least get his head around the pattern of behaviour that I'm describing - not necessarily to win her back, but to put himself in the best position to look after his kids and to explain to them, without hatred and as they grow up, what has happened. Hating her won't do any good to anyone. But she's incapable of being loved, at this time, as he wanted to.
And as for your position - the other reader is right - be the kindest, most loving auntie that you can. If you can bear it, try to drag your sister to counselling to sort herself out and act as something of a bridging mechanism between her and her kids. But get the kids out of that situation because the way she is behaving is really going to negatively affect them. They need love and stability and consistency and the example she is setting will send out entirely the wrong messages to them in regard to how to behave as grown ups. Do this as soon as you can - they love their Dad, he's hard working and stable and can give them the love they need.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 April 2015):
 This segment: "She only considers herself and in the end I see her losing those children, either the though the services or there resentment towards her.
How can I make this better? I've offered help, support and love her whole life but she only see's herself."
....is really all one needs to see to advise you.
1. You can't "make this better." Your Sister is screwing things up.... yes it's like a slow-motion train wreck....but it's HER train wreck...
2. You CAN be the best Sister and Aunt (to the kids) that is possible.... and be there for them throughout (and after) the train wreck.
P.S. Why CAN'T the kids be in the custody of their father?
P.P.S. I had a similar experience when I was younger... and had the "Angel" of an Aunt that I've described you could be.... and she (my Aunt) helped make the hurt from my Mother (her Sister) go away....
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): If you want what's best for those kids help the father get full custody, your sister needs help, she can't currently care for herself let alone two small children, if she ever gets help you can help her get visitation and build it up to weekends/every other week.
...............................
|
