A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts. My question is based on my own relationship history and my boyfriend's. Whenever I have broken up with someone, I haven't been able to stay friends with my ex's, for whatever reason. I have had 3 serious relationships including my current relationship.However my boyfriend (of a year almost), is still very good friends with his only serious ex girlfriend (beside myself). Although I don't mind their friendship, I find it really hard to accept just how close they are. It's phone calls, text messages, facebook messages, every day! I have asked him if he still has any romantic feelings for his ex and he insists it is purely friendship. I have also asked both of them to calm down the constant contact they have and my boyfriend has on his behalf however his ex kept it up. That was 6 months or so ago and it's causing fight after fight with my boyfriend. I did walk out a few months ago but agreed to give him another chance if his ex wouldnt intrude in our lives so much, and he kept his promise until a few day's ago and I found out he was still talking daily to her online! Before anyone says I was snooping, he had left his facebook page logged in on my laptop. I haven't yet confronted him, and I do believe he hasn't slept with her nor does he intend to because he could of got back together with her when we broke up earlier in the year. (She is single). My friend's are 50/50 on their views, and my mother says I'm a fool to put up with it so long. Am I over reacting or can ex's be friends without issues?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tenderlovingcare +, writes (20 May 2013):
 In my opinion, this is never okay.
My partner didn't see this at first, but I was honest and I just said I'm not having you talking to someone else that you have slept with. It's true, why should you put up with it. you need to be blunt instead of dragging it out. Just tell him, it's me or her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Shes an "EX" for a reason. First of all when I date someone there is NO such thing is BFF with your EX that's just ke Hell Nooo. I set my standards high and I love myself too much to allow any of my boyfriends to treat me like that...if he refuse to listen to you & your feelings leave him let him go back to his beloved EX he's not worth your time he's a confused young man. It's a matter of respect he needs to understand.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 There's a difference between friends and basically having a non-physical relationship. Unless there are kids involved I don't know many people who would be OK with their partner talking to an ex DAILY. That is way too close for comfort. Even if they wouldn't cheat or have sex, that's not the only part of a relationship. What he's doing sounds like emotional cheating. You're certainly not a fool for putting up with it, but personally I'd leave.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (20 May 2013):
I think the ability to be friends with an ex depends on many factors.First, how serious was the relationship? Second, how "moved on" are the two people? Do they have new relationships that they're happy in? In most breakups, there is one person who wants to end it and one who doesn't. In these situations, friends after the relationship often won't work well for quite some time. The two people each need time to heal and move on. Sometimes, after enough time has passed, it's possible however for exes to become friends. Depending on the circumstances of the relationship, some couples just drift apart gracefully and agree they're better off as friends, and the "breakup" has no hard feelings. In these situations friendships are a lot more likely.As you said, he had a chance to get back together with her, but he didn't. Without knowing more, I'd say that you really don't have much to worry about. I can understand how hard it is to watch this happen, however. So, if you want to talk to him about the situation, don't fight. Think really hard about WHY this makes you uncomfortable - you said that it's partly because of your own relationship past. Then, when you do discuss it, give him the chance to explain the nature of his relationship with his ex. If they are as close as you make it seem they are, perhaps you could give her a chance and even try to be friendly with her yourself? As I said, perhaps they just realized they are really better off as friends. So, as awkward as it may seem at first, perhaps you'll make a new friend.Good luck!
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