A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I currently have an intimate relationship with my best friend, but when I bring up being in a relationship, she says the chemistry isn't there. I really think it's just because im not a big muscle tatted bad boy. We already get along great and complete the other half. We have talked about marriage far into the future when we both are ready to settle, but she just doesn't want to be in a relationship now. If it really is because of the chemistry, do you think it can be built up over time or come about later on?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 She is simply telling you that, will all the good qualities that you have and that she enjoys in you as her friend and temporary partner-in-crime, she does not see you as relationship material. It's not that she does not want to be in a relationship, she does not want to be in a relationship with you. Her ideal man is someone whom she gets along with, completes her etc. and ALSO feels strong chemistry with. So,ideally, a big buffed tattoed guy .. which she also can get along with etc.
She wants to have it all- the compatibility, and the passionate ,lustful attraction. And, as much as this is unfair and perhaps exploitative to you, I can't really blame her. At her age, why settling for just " good enough " when she has time to look for Mr. Has-it-all.
If this pearl of a man does not show up , she feels that EVENTUALLY she could settle for you, or someone like you. And that's what the " marriage " talks means.
But in the meantime, she wants to stay uncommitted, to see if someone better shows up . If he doesn't, at least she has you, if he does , she'll tell you " sorry, but you and I were just good friends to begin with ".
If you have strong feelings for this girl, this is a situation that could potentially become very painful for you, before going any further you have honestly assess if you could ( or should ? ) handle it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Not wanting commitment is not the same thing as not having chemistry. I'm not sure which one she is.If she feels there's no chemistry then why is she being intimate with you now, and why is she talking about marriage in the far future?? That sounds like she's using you as her back up plan if she can't find anyone else that she likes better. either that or she has a warped view of dating and marriage, it appears she thinks that dating is all about chemistry yet marriage doesn't need it. I don't think chemistry can be built up over time EXCEPT where it comes to simply not knowing someone that well right now, and then you get to know each other better and that's when the chemistry starts if it's going to. But if you've already been best friends that means you're already very familiar with each other. If there's no chemistry at this point, there probably won't ever be.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 December 2012):
 You may or may not have chemistry, but it seems like she's not ready for commitment. That is something that will come in time. If chemistry is not there, no it won't build up in time. However, if she's not ready, she may be ignoring the chemistry that is already present, and would become aware of it when she is ready to take that step.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I was very close friends with my girlfriend for nearly three years before we got together. We always had chemistry. We didn't always have a lustful desire to be with each other, that's what built up over time. We were always flirty and affectionate and very comfortable being so but never crossed that line with each other as long as we were friends. We both knew what could happen our friendship if we got that close and besides she was only 16 when she became part of my social group and I was mid 20's, that's another line I wouldn't even consider crossing.
Chemistry is there from the start OP, people confuse it with passion which can build over time. But chemistry is either there or it's not. People get the wrong idea that just because they have an amazing platonic friendship that there's chemistry but romantic chemistry is different.
If it's not there it never will be. You just know a person is right for you or they're not. I mean you feel beyond a doubt she's right for you but she doesn't feel the same way. It sounds to me like you're a stop-gap and she's settling for you because of all the great things you bring to her life and how well things are going. The fact she doesn't see you as "Mr. Right" in a relationship sense most likely means she never will.
You just don't tick all the boxes for her to want to commit to you OP and it's literally never about not wanting a relationship in general, otherwise why is she practically in one now and just not committing? She doesn't see you as permanent long term relationship material and all that talk of the distant future and marriage and stuff is just talk and is easy to do because it's so far away. I have 3 female friends who I'm promised to marry if we're single by the time we reach a certain age. I don't love them romantically but we're such good friends we could settle for each other in a last ditch type of way.
I think for now you just fulfil a need for her OP, it's not really going to be any other kind of way unless of course she's just in denial as the others have said but that's very doubtful, you're already pretty much in a relationship but she still wants to keep her options open and be free to move on if another opportunity arises.
Can chemistry build up over time? No, it can't. You're already intimate, she just doesn't feel it with you OP. She'd know by now.
When it came to me and my girlfriend we felt that need and desire before we ever became intimate, when we kissed for the first time and got sexual for the first time, it felt 100% right, the chemistry was there and it felt perfect. She didn't get that with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2012):
 No I don't think chemistry is something that happens over time. There has to be something from the get go, that makes you want to be with a person. Call it chemistry or attraction - I think it's a must.
Personally, I don't think she really wants to marry you, but she likes to have you as her "back up plan" if she doesn't find "greener grass".
You are FWB - no mistake.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I think that if you two end up together she will be "settling"
Chemistry is something that either is or is not.
Unless she is in denial of how she really feels (and why would she be if you have made it clear to her you want more than you currently have) then you've got all she is able and willing to give.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Unless she is in denial for some reason, then shes made it clear shes not interested in you in that way. Whilst it is possible for the chemistry to build up, I worry that you are keeping your options closed by waiting for her to have feelings for you. There may be someone else out there for you, so dont forget that!
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