A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently went home with a man I've had a crush on for the past year or so. He is twice my age and we've known each other in a strictly professional capacity, so it was quite unusual and exciting to have the chance to sleep with him. When we got to bed, he had trouble maintaing his erection. We stayed up together for about 5 hours, but he couldn't make love to me. He came close, but just couldn't keep it up long enough. I was quite disappointed and upset. I thought it was my fault or that he wasn't attracted enough to me. But he kept saying how he'd been fantasising about me all year, he kept complimenting me, wanting to be intimate with me, asking that I come back the next night (I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to). His hands were shaking. He said he felt nervous and anxious because of my age and also because of our professional relationship, as we would have to keep the sex a secret. I've never had this problem with a man before. I still don't know if the erection problem was genuinely because he was nervous, as he said, because of my age and because he'd been anticipating the moment for the past year. I don't know if I should feel embarrassed now, or if he perhaps is feeling embarrassed. Can this happen to men sometimes out of stress or nervousness, or is it simply a lack of attraction? Grateful for any answers please.
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male
reader, Mitchell1978  +, writes (20 July 2011):
Yes off course, nerves and anxiety are a killer for a man's erection.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Dear all,
Thank you for your responses. I do feel better now and relieved, so thank you very much. Unfortunately this was just a once off night. We are going to have to work together again so there is no way we can date each other. I am very attracted to him, but sadly a relationship would never work out.
He didn't want to keep me "secret" in an unpleasant way. We both just realised that it would be unprofessional and bad for both of our careers if people knew about it. This is unfortunate, but I am glad to have had the opportunity to be intimate with him,if only once.
Thanks again for your help and advice.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 July 2011):
 aw it sounds like he had a lot on his mind, you had a crush on him and he did not want to disappoint you by not living up to the fantasy, his age - again did not want to disappoint you, your working relationship - might have made things in work afterwards awkward - especially if he disappointed you, plus first night nerves of not knowing you sexually before, not knowing what you like and don't like, not knowing if you would be happy with his size. poor bloke, i can understand why his dick was scared to come out and play! i hope you will give each other another chance
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): You've become a sort of fantasy. Many times, when a man has the opportunity to realize a fantasy, it sets up all kinds of strange emotions that are unexpected...some positive, some even negative. The resulting anxiety can take over the lustful urges that help maintain an erection.
I was in a very LTR, left, and it took me almost a year before I was fully comfortable with my new partner enough to stay rock hard as long as we both wanted. I am 42, she was a bit younger.
Just be patient. Dont assume its you, and dont assume his age is the problem. Early 40's is NOT old from a sexual perspective...at least not with me. I can last longer, go stronger, ejaculate more and a whole slew of other things better than when I was 22. Only thing that has changed is I take a bit longer to recover.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 July 2011):
Aw that poor man, bet he is really beating himself up over not being able to perform. Men can lose their erections if the smallest amount of anxiety creeps in. I'm sure it has happened to nearly all men at least once in their life. Definitely wasn't to do with you not being attractive, it's totally down to him being anxious.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Sure, nervousness causes this all the time.
But, take some time to think here.
"He said he felt nervous and anxious because of my age and also because of our professional relationship, as we would have to keep the sex a secret."
Why would you date someone that is going to keep you a secret?
Really.
This guy is twice your age, and going to keep you a secret, that is not very respectful, or very constructive to your self esteem over time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Oh yes...he most definitely was nervous. Trust me, it's because he was *too* attracted to you that the thought of not performing was terrifying to him, which unnerved his erection.
I'm guessing that he's had some erection problems in the past as well. Sometimes you can psych yourself into becoming that which you fear. He was so scared of being impotent that...he became impotent. He's attracted to you alright, and it's not your fault.
I think you should give him the chance to "get back on the horse" so to speak, meaning have another time of intimacy between you two. Once he calms down, I'm sure it'll be great.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Most common cause of not being able to keep an erection.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Oh yes, this is far more common than you think. When a man gets nervous and starts thinking too much, he can and will lose his erection. And the more they think of it, the harder it will be to maintain it. They have that "pressure to perform" that us ladies don't have to think about. If you are with him again, just try to be cool, chill, and let things happen as they may. It can become more common as a men gets older, but trust me, this can happen to a man at ANY age.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 This is very common. You haven't had it happen with you before, but take my word for it. It is common, and happens more often than you think. It happens when a guy gets nervous. Don't stress the sex part with him, make him feel relaxed and comfortable, and then things will flow naturally. Just give it time.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (18 July 2011):
 yes performance anxiety...its common
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