A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need help.. my wife of 33 years has slept in separate room for 5 years.. she works but dosent contribute to mortgage, and all her income goes into her own bank. Mine goes into joint account, and she buys things out of this account. We have no physical intimacy. I do all cooking, shopping, my own laundry. We were separated 5 years ago for 10 months after I had affair. We reconciled, but after I moved in I thought we'd get back to normal after 18 months, but this hasn't happened. She has got more distant and often gives me barbed comments. I try all romantic things and to try to get close. She pulls away from any kisses. I have recently discovered she has sex toys. but she has no inclination to want to be romantic or intimate with me. I'm so lonely, and wondering if I'm just here to provide her with a nice home. I feel like a carer - so mentally exhausting. When I try to talk to her she gets angry and says I'm lucky she still living with me.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 You broke the trust by cheating on her, sounds like she has never fully forgave you for that. Therefore now you have two choices, you can live together as you are practically separated or else you can bite the bullet and see that it is not working and leave.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): Bad on you for cheating. And bad on you for assuming that everything would just be ok. But good on you for trying.
It really seems she's not wiling to try to move on and she holds you accountable for her upkeep- this is a totally understandable response from her perspective as the cheated on wife. But, it can't continue, for both of your sakes.
Try to convince her to go to counselling. It might not fix things but it will help the situation progress. If she's not willing, get your own bank account and stop putting money in the joint account. Tell her you're leaving because the situation is not healthy for either of you.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (26 February 2017):
You put up with this for five years? Why in heavens name would you want to save anything from this arrangement? I call I an arrangement because it sure as hell isn't a marriage?
LEAVE!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): Yes I think that your wife has never forgiven you for the affair. And the truth of that is that most people who have been cheated on struggle with that hurt and pain FOREVER. Until the day they die. If they stay with the person who cheated. Yes, the pain will get better after YEARS of healing. But even then it will never really go away. I think this is the reason for her withdrawal. Also possibly the reason that she doesn't contribute to the mortgage as subconsciously she sees you as having "wreaked" the marital home, and that you could walk out/ destroy her life again at any time...so why contribute to a joint fund when that may be pulled from under her feet if you separate or if you cheat again? I think she is guarding her own eggs closely in her own basket because trust was never restored. I don't know if you can save this marriage. The truth is many people can never recover from an affair. She may have thought that if she gave it enough time she would be able to forgive you. She may be still hoping that forgiveness will come. So, she may truly deep down hope that she CAN heal herself and this marriage. But the pain may be too great. You need to explore these issues at counselling, and then decide for both of you whether this is something your relationship can really recover from. If it can't it is best to separate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2017):
 I don't think she is really ever gotten over your cheating. However, she should NOT have agreed to reconciliation if she was going to hold it over your head for the rest of your days.
Are you really happy in this marriage? Doesn't sound like you two share ANYTHING in common anymore.
SHE made the choice to STAY with you after the affair, but NOW she is also CHOOSING to punish you daily for it. How is that fair? She wants YOU to be as miserable as she was/is. Misery loves company, that is true, but if you LOOK hard at the big picture, do you think EITHER of you are happy as things stand?
I'd say I'd suggest you two seek marriage counseling. If she isn't willing to, set yourself (and her) FREE by starting divorce proceedings. So you BOTH can find someone to BE with if you are so inclined.
You had an affair, you HURT her. But that doesn't mean you now have to live in this misery for the rest of your life. Or that SHE does.
You two need to talk. IF she doesn't WANT to move forward, to work on this - END it. Even if you have a 33 year history.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 February 2017):
 Your wife was obviously very hurt by your affair and is still angry about it, hence the physical withdrawal. Men and women differ greatly in how they see sex: men need sex to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to want sex. Your lack of sex life is a reflection of the state of your marriage. Your wife has not forgiven you yet.
Can you persuade her to go and see a marriage guidance counsellor? They can help you work out whether your marriage can be saved and, if not, help you work out how best to end things. If she refuses to go, go on your own so you have someone to talk to.
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